Before we get to this in-depth comparison of Mizzou’s 17-6 loss to Oklahoma to the 2002 film and fifth entry into the Skywalker Saga of the Star Wars cinematic universe Attack of the Clones, let me drop some quick takes. Actually, it’s one take in two parts.
Part 1: Not only is The Phantom Menace not all that bad a movie, it’s easily the best of the prequel trilogy.
Part II: Revenge of the Sith is one of the worst films ever made. One of the very few films I’ve ever started watching (I’d seen it as
a child and was revisiting, for clarity) and thought, “yeah, I don’t need to keep up with this.”
Would you like me to expound upon those takes? Too bad. That’s not included in the free version of this article. And it’s also not included in the paid version of this article. Because the review is always free, baby, you get these zingers free of charge. And also free of context.
OK, now onto the proper Revue. You ready for the Revue? I’ll bet your ready for The Revue. Here, have some music to get you ready for The Revue.
Here it comes. I’m gonna hit you with it!
I don’t remember a damn thing that happened in Attack of the Clones. Just for fun, I’m going to recount the plot from memory. Please note that I played Star Wars video games obsessively growing up, so some of the details, much to my chagrin, will be correct.
At the beginning, I think Obi-Wan and Anakin are in Las Vegas, or at least the Star Wars equivalent of Las Vegas? They’re searching for a bounty hunter that transforms into a nasty alien that’s wearing all purple, who dies after getting killed by… I think it’s Jango Fett? Anyway, they’re trying to learn about the sith lords, who are clearly up to no good because when are they ever up to any good. They return to Corescant? Croissant? The place where the galactic senate operates. The Jedi Council tells Anakin he’s got too many midichlorians in his body to be a real Jedi, so they put him on guard duty while they send Obi-Wan to a very wet planet to figure out what’s going on with a secret government contract. Anakin and Padme get all kissy, Obi-Wan finds all the clones and then Obi-Wan chases the bounty hunter (Jango Fett again, I think?) to a planet where he gets captured by a hiding droid army. Anakin tries to contact him but can’t get ahold of him, so they travel to that same planet and get captured too. Before they get executed by gladiators and monsters, the Jedi and senate show up to rescue them and they Jedi fight Christopher Lee, wait, COUNT DOOKU that’s his name. No one dies and everyone gets away and nothing happens and the whole narrative arc of the film doesn’t advance the story in any meaningful way.
OK, now that’s over, I’m going to Wikipedia to check myself. Be right back.
I have to say, I’m kind of undercutting myself here because that was actually pretty close. I missed the whole assassination bit at the beginning and the part where Anakin watches his mom die and some of the wider narrative devices, but I think that’s a C+ recall exercise at the very worst.
So where was I going with this? Ah yes. Mizzou vs. Oklahoma. That game happened less than 72 hours ago and I can already feel the details of the game slipping from my grasp. I remember Eli Drinkwitz should’ve gone for it on 4th and 3 and that Robert Meyer got two kicks blocked, although one of them still went in. Beau Pribula threw two interceptions. I think Damon Wilson II had a sack? Kevin Coleman had a few big catches on the last few drives.
The point is, I’m having to go into active memory recall mode to bring up the details of a football game that I watched (IN FULL) earlier this weekend. Attack of the Clones came out almost 24 years ago and had a stranglehold on my childhood years. The prequels were everything to me. I played the video games (including Star Wars: Bounty Hunter and the superior Star Wars: Battlefront), I memorized which planets people were from, I watched the movies over and over again. And despite all those hours of dedication, I still had to close my eyes and start trudging through my memory palace to bring up a C+ plot synopsis of this film.
What’s the lesson here? That sometimes the thing you want to be good just isn’t. Not only that, it’s boring. So boring it should be illegal, honestly. Neither movies nor football games should be allowed to be this boring. Every time I watch a football game (or a movie) that begins to pass through my brain like air, I should be directly compensated for my time. That doesn’t seem like too much to ask, right? After all, this isn’t sports betting. I’m not paying you money with the expectation I’ll get nothing in return and ruin my life. I want something for my dollar. Time is money, right? It’s not, but it is for the purpose of this article.
Anyway, I apologize for kind of recycling a bit that I did last season, but I do think there was a defined difference in what I was trying to say about the performance. How successful was I? You be the judge. Complaints can be filed at doge@mail.house.gov.
For being boring and making me have to sit down and think about Attack of the Clones and, indirectly, Revenge of the Sith, Mizzou gets 1 out of 5 of these things from the gladiator scene. Embarrassing creature design, really. “Let’s make it a bull with different colors and move the horns,” ass idea.
