THE UTAH JAZZ ARE DIVING to the bottom of the standings once more this season. Despite what the optimist renting an apartment in your brain may insist, there will be no playoff chase in the Salt Lake Valley. No nail-biting play-in bid. No postseason to speak of. Sorry. Basketball in Utah is taking a hiatus, and in its place, an unidentifiable conglomerate of dribbling, shooting, and anything that could — by definition — be described as professional hoops.
The average fan may observe the Utah Jazz
and define the sum of its parts as a basketball team, but those nearest to the team understand one simple truth: 2025 will be trampled by a fleet of tanks. Piling in like a clown car, the Utah Jazz are contending for the 15th spot in the West. They’re scrapping for the 30th standing in the entire NBA. That’s right, they’re going for back-to-back titles this season in Tank Race II: Electric Boogaloo.
Understandably, a losing record won’t excite the average fan. Frankly, I don’t even believe it excites 99% of the freaks who are already bought-in to the lose-first program. Losing isn’t fun; winning is fun. This is a universal truth, of course, but maximizing odds to claim the top pick in the NBA Draft is a decent consolation. This is why the Jazz still sell out the arena. This is why actual real-life individuals purchased highlighter yellow Cody Williams jerseys with actual real-life money. Fandom survives, no matter the conditions.
But for those of you who join me in the remaining 1%, I welcome you. Let’s do group therapy when this is all over.
By setting their sight on the loss column, the Utah Jazz are flipping the NBA on its head. OKC, New York, and similar traditionally good franchises are competing for brilliant golden hardware and a banner in the rafters. They’re playing basketball at the highest level. The bottom-dwellers are playing high-stakes Uno at the end of the bench. It’s an entirely different game, but it’s still a competition.
The Jazz are not alone in their conquest; they do not run unopposed. They won only 17 contests last year, and claimed the number one draft odds by one game and one game only. That’s too close for comfort. To overcome the competition for another year, Utah needs a plan. Any competitive strategy begins by first identifying one’s adversaries.
Let me introduce you to this year’s likely suspects.
Washington Wizards
Division: Southeast
2024-25 record: 18-64 (29th)
Previous lottery result: 6th (Tre Johnson)
The Utah Jazz had a tough draw by tumbling to fifth in the draft order, but let’s not forget that Washington arguably had it just as bad. Finishing the year with just one more win than Utah, the Wiz were set on a top-3 selection, and a franchise centerpiece in the form of Flagg, Harper, Edgecombe, or Bailey.
Yeah… that didn’t happen.
Tre Johnson is one heck of a consolation prize, but there’s no denying that draft night ‘25 didn’t finish with Washington as the headliner, nor will Wizards fans bear witness to Cooper Flagg’s heinous goatee. No, the Wizards have been regulars at The Tank Bar and Grill essentially since the decline of the recently passed John Wall and Bradley Beal combo in 2019 — with one 2021 8-seed playoff appearance as an exception (yay!).
They’re a whacky bunch in the nation’s capital, but arguably hold one of the most intriguing young cores in basketball with a whipped-up recipe of Alex Sarr, Bub Carrington (king of the mid-range pull-up), Bilal Coulibaly, Kyshawn George, the already-mentioned Tre Johnson, and former Rocket Cam Whitmore. Mirroring their young core is an interesting mix of veterans, including whatever remains of Khris Middleton and the discarded CJ McCollum.
But they’re far from ready to move forward and compete, so expect to see Washington in the mix for last place.
Charlotte Hornets
Division: Southeast
2024 record: 19-63
Previous lottery result: 4th (Kon Knueppel)
Let’s face it: the 2025 NBA Draft Lottery was unabashedly stolen by Dallas, San Antonio, and Philadelphia, three teams that each already roster at least one top-25 player in the NBA (when healthy, in Embiid’s case), and grabbed three fantastic players from the mouths of the hungry, impoverished franchises below them. Charlotte has long abstained from any semblance of basketball happiness. This miserable franchise has only posted a winning record once since 2016, when they eclipsed 44 in the W column in 2021-22 (party like it’s 1997!).
If sustained misery were a worthy reason to earn the number one selection, Charlotte would win the next three draft lotteries by default.
As the team stands today, they have very little reason to hope the scoreboard tilts their way many times in 2025-26. LaMelo Ball is the team’s main draw, and he’s electric as a young point guard could be (when he stays off the injury report), but beyond Ball, sweet-shooting Brandon Miller, and the recently-acquired barrel-chested, feathery follow-through shooting bucket-getter Knueppel (who deserves more fanfare, in my humble opinion), with which players can the Hornets sincerely expect to build a foundation for prolonged success?
It’s bleak in NC come basketball season. Their luck is bound to turn around eventually, right? Right?
Phoenix Suns
Division: Pacific
2024-25 record: 36-46
Previous lottery result: 10th (Khaman Maluach)
The Phoenix Suns are getting dragged into the Tank Wars, either voluntarily or by force.
Quickly making a case for the worst-run franchise in the NBA, the Matt Ishbia regime has sent the Suns into a tailspin since losing to Denver in the Western Conference Semifinals in 2023. They gave up far too much to pair Devin Booker with Kevin Durant and Bradley Beal, and now Booker is — once again — a lone All-Star in the Arizona desert.
This team has wrung itself dry of any assets, pushing all the chips in the middle to “win now” with no support beams to keep the entire structure intact. No draft picks and no clear path to contention, would it be inaccurate to say the Suns are again trapped at the bottom of their division?
In return for Durant, Phoenix got a return of Jalen Green and Dillon Brooks, a two-headed dragon that can light up the box score on offense and lock down the opponent’s number one option on defense. Here’s the problem: they’re two separate players whose greatest strengths are the other’s most glaring weaknesses. They’re codependent, and Phoenix is already without a leg to stand on.
Even at the current roster’s best-case scenario, is this team’s backcourt stronger than the likes of a Lillard-McCollum tandem? I’d lean towards no, and that’s the only thing this team has going for it at the moment, unless Maluach becomes a top-5 center in the next few years. Kicking and screaming, Phoenix is falling to the bottom. Fight as they may, I’m not optimistic they make it to the All-Star Break before reconsidering their current constitution.
My forecast? Complete and total implosion.
Indiana Pacers
Division: Central
2024-25 record: 50-32
Previous lottery result: N/A
An NBA Finals squad in the race for the number one pick just one year later? Thanks to Miles Turner’s defection and the state of Tyrese Haliburton’s God-forsaken Achilles tendon, it’s with great displeasure that I introduce a contender for the worst record in basketball.
A 50-win team on the incline is now horrifyingly directionless and hopeless for a season. Their star point guard’s injury will keep him sidelined for this entire season, and despite Pascal Siakam’s best efforts, it may be in the Pacers’ best interest to punt on the 2025-26 campaign. Sit down, rest up, develop some youngsters, and start their revenge tour a year later with a top-5 pick to pair alongside Haliburton? Doesn’t sound too bad.
I love you, TJ McConnell, Obi Toppin, and Andrew Nembhard, but without an engine, the offense just won’t run like it used to. One year is a very short amount of time. Just close your eyes, and soon it will all be nothing more than a dream. A horrible, horrible dream.
Calvin Barrett is a writer, editor, and prolific Mario Kart racer located in Tokyo, Japan. He has covered the Utah Jazz and BYU athletics since 2024.
