There are a trillion ways to determine if a young player will be a successful in modern football. Professional scouts review a player’s physical attributes, technical ability, and statistical profile in an imperfect
science to see if a wunderkid is truly the next Messi, Neymar, or Mahmoud Dahoud. There’s one fact about a player that is more important than any of the others, however: their name.
Erling Haaland strikes the ball like a Nordic god because his name belongs alongside Odin or Thor. Kylian Mbappe is only fantastic because his first name is Kylian. Jude Bellingham is a generational talent only because soccer teams can release cringe signing presentations singing ‘Hey Jude’. 17-year-old Nathan De Cat could be the most important signing in Borussia Dortmund’s history because his last name is ‘De Cat’.
Sure, he’s a talented young player who has impressed in the Belgian league for Anderlecht and is wanted by top level clubs, including Borussia Dortmund. But none of that really matters. His name is purr-fect and Sebastian Kehl needs to do anything pawsible to sign De Cat.
Other Cool Stuff: Predicting the Bundesliga
Typically I use this section to share Dortmund related news, like Karim Adeyemi being fined half a million dollars for possession of weapons, or Bundesliga news, like Gladbach permanently appointing Eugene Polanski as head coach. Today, however, I’d like to highlight one of the rare (VERY RARE) times that one of our Fear the Wall writers does something awesome. Resident nerd, Paul Johnson, released a statistical model that breaks Bundesliga teams into ratings depending on their underlying numbers and predicts how the league will play out. The work is genuinely fascinating and easy to follow, even for a Luddite like me. You can check out his work HERE, keep tabs on Fear the Wall for a future article from Paul, or follow the nerd on the app where all nerds reside (Bluesky).
Your Thoughts
What is the greatest name in soccer? How about the greatest name in sports?
