The Florida Gators are heading south down I-75 to the Florida Turnpike and into lovely Miami Gardens, FL to face the Miami Hurricanes at Hard Rock Stadium. As we ’Canes are well aware of, the Gators and their fanbase are jort wearers and the chafing issues in the South Florida humidity cannot compare to nearly anywhere else in the north-western hemisphere.
Upon leaving the Land of Petty for the Garden of Ross, Gator fans can take a few tips before suffering ‘chub rub’ in their denims.
1- Hide your
thunder. I personally wear drawlz under my shorts but for those “Silly Gators” that are never-nude, the over the top panty like in the Britney Spears “Slave 4 U” music video from 2001 might be an option. Hard Rock has had weather delays due to thunder and lightning already this season so how about hiding yours.
2- Do the Lagway. Do the Lagway is in reference to the Terror Squad song, “Lean Back,” from 2004 that featured Fat Joe. Do the rockaway err… the Lag-a-way and turn it over to someone else. DJ Lagway, the Gators starting QB, prefers to throw the football to the opponent more than his own teammates and that’s a suggestion for the Jort wearing Gators… give your buddy the chance to help with your chafing.
As a football coach we’d tell the chubbo offensive linemen to protect their thighs by using roll on deodorant, Gold Bond medicated powder, and if the taints got really dire- Desitin cream.
3- Hold a seminar. Maybe the Albert the Alligator Orange and Bluester Club can hold a seminar on “How to tackle chafing in the South Florida heat.” If you’re already going to be in Miami you might as well book Dr. Schoenweiss in the ballroom at the hotel where most of your cousins are staying. Cletus, Festus, and their boys will be appreciative of the gesture.
4- Dance with somebody. Apparently it’s the Hard Rock gameday DJ’s favorite song and will more than likely get some air time at the stadium. A little dancin’ with some-bod-ee will help you forget that the 501’s are riding up your turnpike and the turnpike is exactly the way UF will head back to Gainesville with another loss on their record.
