We’re back! Sorry for not getting this out last week, some personal stuff came up and I dealt with that instead. For those interested, here are Week 8’s rankings:
And last week’s inspiring lead-in:
Given
that I’ve ended up shouldering nearly all of the Power Polls this season, I admit I’m starting to burn out a bit. This may be because Nebraska is starting to burn out a bit too, and that makes this all a little bit less fun. But, it’s either write this or do work for my actual job, and I don’t feel like doing that either.
Adulthood. Preeeeetttttttyyy cool.
Last weekend, after my team lost on Friday night, my Saturday was clear, and I installed a new storm door. I chose a full-glass affair, to better display my front door, which I’d painted a lovely shade of pink (“Youthful Coral”) on a whim last summer. This was very satisfying, and since I’m currently scraping the bottom of the barrel on these topics, I’ve decided to go with Sherwin-Williams Paint Colors for this week’s theme. Hey, it was that or “Things You Can Find at Menards” (actually, I should do that! I’m inspired again.)
I chose these colors for your team based on vibes, either from the name or the color. Don’t look too closely at it, it’s not that deep.
On to Week 9!
1. Indiana – Baked Cookie
First Place Votes: 6 High: 1 Low: 2 Last Week: 2
In the apparently timeless (source: Curt Cignetti) debate between brownies and cookies, Sherwin-Williams apparently has made a choice– they don’t even have a color that mentions brownies. So, cookies it is, specifically “Baked Cookie.” This color is taking me back to the mid-00s, when dark beige and brown were all the rage. This is also the color the previous owners of my home ill-advisedly chose for the bathroom. The mid-00s were also the Bill Lynch era for Indiana fans, which I don’t think they really want to think about, but now they just did. 🙂
(This was funnier and more timely last week, sorry Indiana.)
2. Ohio State – Black Magic
FPV: 3 H: 1 L: 2 LW: 1
Black like the Death Star. Black like their hearts. And also very possibly the exact formula that Ryan Day uses on his beard.
3. Oregon – Envy
H: 3 L: 3 (pretty rare to have a unanimous vote outside #1 and #18) LW: 3
Envy, as in green with. Let’s face it, it’s how the rest of us feel about the Ducks. Limitless Nike money that’s paying off with a winning team? This color might be a little too garish to be practical, but who among us wouldn’t put up with being tacky if it meant winning this many games?
4. Iowa – Lucky Green
H: 4 L: 5 LW: 7
Sometimes you’re good. Sometimes you’re lucky. Sometimes your coach is Kirk Ferentz, Forever King of doing Just Enough. This might mean you’re lucky, or perhaps not – this is a matter of some debate.
Update: Sometimes your coach is Kirk Ferentz, your opponent’s coach is PJ Fleck, and “Just Enough” suddenly doesn’t apply.
5. USC – Surfin’
H: 4 L: 5 LW: 5
It’s not exactly news around here that USC fans are a scarce commodity. Presumably some exist, but none of us have ever seen one in the wild. The theory is that they are all doing Beach Things, which we Midwesterners would know nothing about, and that these pressing Beach Things preclude attention to and attendance at college sports. Fair enough, I suppose. USC may as well head out to the beach to hide after breaking the second* cardinal rule of the Big Ten: Don’t Lose to F*cking Notre Dame. We can’t really blame the Trojans though – you see, there were raindrops– a calamity not to be borne.
*The first, as you must know, is “Punting is Winning.”
6. Michigan – Oat Milk
H: 6 L: 8 LW: 6
This has nothing to do with current Michigan, because honestly, being a solid-but-not-elite team is super boring to write about. Instead, I shall wax poetic about my favorite departed coach, Jim Harbaugh. (Michigan fans presumably miss him too, but for different reasons.) I could always get a reliable hit on the Power Poll based on some cockamamie Harbaugh soundbite or action, and honestly, I miss that. I’ve awarded him the color “Oat Milk” in absentia, as I think it would really piss him off. Why? Because of one of my favorite Harbaugh quotes: “We refuse to drink the candy-ass skim milk or the 1%.” Now that’s a man! That’s masculinity! Ah September 2016… you were a different, better, simpler time. I miss you.
7. Washington – Dignity Blue
H: 6 L: 7 LW: 9
This looks much more blue than purple to me, and actually has blue in the name– in spite of being classified in the purple color family and being described as a “deep saturated violet with cerulean undertones.” Color is fun, but also this is why paint is a pain in the ass to get right. Last week, Washington joined the glut of teams in the Big Ten with a 5-2 record (seriously, there are eight teams with this record), but is likely feeling a little undignified after a late pantsing by Michigan.
Side note: I think I love this color? What should I paint?
8. Nebraska – Gauzy White
H: 8 L: 10 LW: 12
Last week, this was a joke about wearing surrender white uniforms (which statistically, are maybe not as bad as we think – but we still hate them.) It was about “gauzy” being the perfect adjective to describe Nebraska’s line play, both in terms of its solidity, and in terms of its current injury status.
This week, the Huskers won their close game, this time against Northwestern (the lone outlier of recent years in Nebraska’s one-score game record, interestingly.) The lines once again didn’t play great. It’s not as funny of a joke this week, but there are eighteen of these to write, so someone was going to get stuck with last week’s (gauzy) material.
9. Illinois – Navel/Naval
H: 7 L: 9 LW: 4
I chose “Naval” for my bedroom, and I absolutely love it – it’s a great navy blue, perfectly vibey and awesome for sleeping. But I discovered when I was picking out this color that SW also has a homophone paint – “Navel,” which has a much different and less soporific quality. While a Naval/Navel mix-up would likely cause problems for just about any customer, if the customer is an Illinois fan, it actually just might work.
10. Northwestern – Radiant Lilac
H: 9 L: 12 LW: 10
This mauve-violet hue is an unapologetic statement maker. The color of confidence.
Radiant Lilac stands out on SW’s website because it has the dubious moniker of The Loneliest Color™- allegedly SW’s least-popular color. I don’t totally buy this, as colors like what I assigned the Gophers exist, and certainly must be less popular than this rather nice purple, but marketing does its thing. To begin the season, Northwestern appeared poised for some dubious distinctions itself. But the last few weeks have seen the Cats turn it around to an extent that they’re now firmly trending upwards.
Update: Womp womp. I still think they have a decent shot at a bowl.
11. UCLA – Fun Yellow
H: 10 L: 15 LW: 11
With hundreds of paint colors, I guess the fine folks at SW couldn’t help but phone it in on a few of these names. Fun Yellow feels like a contribution from somebody’s kid, or a just-before-a-deadline moniker. Not a lot behind it. However, in spite of its lackluster name, it IS a fun color! The Bruins started the season more than lackluster, they were pitiful. But now, somehow, the fanbase has started to have… fun! Though that particular sensation will likely be in short supply this weekend, you never know. UCLA has already made their mark as the surprise of the season.
Update: Ok, so less fun this past weekend.
12. Minnesota – Offbeat Green
H: 10 L: 13 LW: 8
Last week’s version: You might think “Offbeat Green” is a joke about Peej and his forced whimsicality, but he’s been at his schtick long enough that it doesn’t actually seem that offbeat anymore. No, I picked this because it’s particularly hideous, from a portion of the color wall that looks like fifty shades of snot, and since my team can’t actually beat shitty-ass Minnesota, ever, all I can do is give them a shitty-ass color. Yes, I am still a little annoyed about last week.
This week’s version: Emphasis on the “beat,” amirite? Lolololol. What the hell was that, Peej?
13. Maryland – Gray October
H: 11 L: 14 LW: 13
I know, I couldn’t believe my luck with this one either. No tortured turtle references or ugly state flag jokes – SW with the perfect seasonally cursed paint color for our beleaguered Terrapins.
14. Rutgers – Mud Slide
H: 14 L: 16 LW: 14
I was a bit worried about the bottom tier of this list on this theme – for obvious marketing reasons, the fine folks at SW aren’t exactly lining up to name their paint shades things that would actually work for this portion of the list – “Crusty Booger” and “Skid Mark” aren’t the kinds of names that drive sales, no matter how perfect they are for these teams. But then I found the Sherwin Williams Vinyl Paint Collection – and it turns out, people LOVE to paint the OUTSIDE of their homes depressingly named shades.*
Rutgers has enjoyed an ignominious slide into the cellar of the conference this season, in spite of lofty pre-season predictions of them being “not that bad.” Splat. Fortunately for them, Purdue is good for what ails you – barely. Jesus, Schiano. What was that?
*I like to imagine this is a passive aggressive swipe at HOAs – “Oh, you only want shades of brown in your cul-de-sac? Enjoy choosing between ‘Sediment’ and ‘Ground Hog,’ Bruce.”
15. Michigan State – Tanker
H: 13 L: 17 LW: 15
Emphasis on the “tank” part of this. It’s hard to imagine enough refueling happening to save Jonathan Smith’s job in East Lansing. Last week’s farce against Michigan went as expected, though somehow the Spartans had a few chances to pull off the miraculous at the end of the game. Unfortunately, a series of bizarre and foolhardy coaching choices meant that once again, Paul Bunyan was forced to don hideous yellow pants for the ride back to Ann Arbor.
16. Penn State – Snicker
Last Place Votes: 1 H: 13 L: 18 LW: 16
Last week’s bye week was arguably the Nits’ best performance this season. **Snicker**
17. Purdue – Weeping
H: 15 L: 17 LW: 17
Bob: Gary! What are you doing?
Gary: Painting my siding, why?
Bob: If you’d read oUr HoA ByLaWs, you’d know that the only acceptable colors are “Weeping” and “Box of Nails.” This looks like “Crazed Beige” to me, and you know I’ll be a dead man before there’s a “Crazed Beige” house on this street!
Rookie mistake, Gary. Gary’s clearly not a Purdue fan, or he’d have gravitated to “Weeping” of his own volition.
18. Wisconsin – Speechless
LPV: 8 H: 17 L: 18 LW: 18
This week, with big-name firings rippling across the college football landscape, Wisconsin’s AD and one of its mega-donors both came out with statements of support for, um, embattled head coach, Luke Fickell. Many Badger fans wonder if “more investment” will matter if a coach is simply in over his head. Is Fickell in over his head? His press conferences of late have not been confidence-inspiring: “Yeah, there was [an idea of a quarterback change],” Fickell acknowledged. “There was… As we were rolling, I didn’t ask as much until halftime.” This sounds strikingly like a guy who once claimed that while he didn’t know exactly how to fix some big problems, he had “the concepts of a plan.” That situation is also going swimmingly, for those keeping score at home. /s
