Hey there! Tottenham Hotspur played at home to Aston Villa on Sunday and lost. That wasn’t fun, because it’s never fun to lose. So what do we do here at Carty Free Towers after Spurs lose and people get annoyed? We try and distract you with a fun player ratings theme, that’s what.
Remember that video from last week that showed Johan Lange and Fabio Paratici being interviewed by Tottenham’s media guys explaining their new working relationship whereby they will share a Director of Football role? Sure
you do. I just reminded you of it! And you can read the article where I summarized and dug into their YouTube video here.
There’s a lot you can take away from that video, but the biggest is that Paratici and Lange (Paratange? Langatici?) have some real buddy-cop vibes. Look at those two, sitting on a couch together holding cock-on-ball pillows and looking all happy with themselves. Aren’t they sweet? You almost expected Paratici to reach over and pat Lange on the arm a few times during that video, didn’t you?
So today’s player ratings theme is mostly leaning into that. I got the idea from some Carty Free readers in a group chat and I thought it was so good I ran with it. Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings for their loss to Aston Villa to the theme of alternative couples for Paratici and Lange. I’ll leave it up to you to figure out which one is which.
5 stars: Bert & Ernie
No Tottenham players in this category.
4 stars: Wozniak & Jobs
Joao Palhinha (Community — 3.5): Look, I still think I’m right about the midfield, but I’ll say it again — whatever else he does or doesn’t do, Palhinha is a generational tackler and defender. He put in some world class open field tackles in this one.
3.5 stars: The Mandalorian and Grogu
Kevin Danso (Community — 3.5): Kevin doesn’t have the wand of a leg that Cuti Romero does, but I have to say I was never worried that he was going to get caught out in defense, and he didn’t. I’ve seen enough to feel like he’ll be a perfectly cromulent defender if Cuti or Micky are out for any length of time. Caught two defenders on the ankle, only one was a foul and neither were particularly worrying.
Micky van de Ven (Community — 3.5): Picked up a cheap yellow but otherwise didn’t put a foot wrong. Got back well on the rare times Villa broke, and pocketed Ollie Watkins late.
3 stars: Frodo & Samwise
Guglielmo Vicario (Community — 2.5): Yes, both goals were bangers. No, Vic didn’t have a chance on either. No, none of them were his fault. No, he didn’t have to make a single save otherwise. Three stars.
Pedro Porro (Community — 3.0): Not bad, as far as these things go. Had a couple of very nice switches in play, got forward into space pretty often, and his delivery was decent. Earned a few good fouls as well.
Djed Spence (Community — 3.0): Not his best effort and stayed mostly deep as Spurs looked content to focus their attacks through Pedro Porro. Did fine defensively, but not quite enough to post a “Matty Cash Welcome to the Penitentiary” graphic on Insta, which is what I was really hoping for.
Rodrigo Bentancur (Community — 3.0): I mean, he ran around a lot and passed the ball sideways impeccably. Was it what we needed? I say no. Was it in and of itself an okay performance? …I guess.
Mohammed Kudus (Community — 3.5): Had he managed to stay onside for the ball he had in the net, he’d be ranked higher. He continues to confound with his final pass as much as he impresses with his dribbling. The wheels fell off midway through the second half and he should’ve come off for Johnson a lot earlier.
Thomas Frank (Community — 2.5): Spurs lost, so the ratings will be lower because that’s how this works. That said, while I’ll never agree with the Bentanhinha midfield and I’m irritated by the late and ineffective subs, the tactics seem to be… fine? Lots of entries into the final third and not enough talent to convert, that’s not really his fault. Ball no go goal, whatchagonnado?
2.5 stars: Julius & Vincent from “Twins”
Xavi Simons (Community — 2.5): God love him he tried, but this was not a good tactical setup for him. Looked to be stymied in the attacking third and a little puzzled that others weren’t making runs or finding him when he made runs himself.
Wilson Odobert (Community — 2.5): Once again, you can see the glimpses of potential but the end product still isn’t there. Wilson’s in a fish bowl due to injuries right now and that’s not helping him. He needs time to develop, but Spurs don’t have that kind of time at present.
2 stars: Turner & Hooch
Mathys Tel (Community — 2.0): Go back and read my comment about Odobert — it’s that, but more so. You forget how young he is, and he’s clearly excelling at the international U21 level so the talent’s there, but you simply can’t whiff those kinds of chances when they come and expect to keep getting them. We spent £30m on him this summer and I have to believe the ROI will come soon, but boy he makes it tough sometimes.
Richarlison (Community — 2.0): I really expected Richy to facilitate Spurs carving up Villa’s wide-open back line and he just… didn’t. Barely touched the ball, completely ineffectual. I love the guy but he might now be behind Dom Solanke AND Randal Kolo Muani.
1 star: Thing 1 & Thing 2
No Tottenham players were as bad as Thing 1 & Thing 2.
Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating:
Lucas Bergvall, Randal Kolo Muani, Brennan Johnson, Pape Matar Sarr
