Wild Wonka and The Guardians’ Chase
– by Mario Crescibene
This season has been pure chaos — enough ups and downs to make you feel like you’ve stumbled straight into Willy Wonka’s Tunnel of Terror. Don’t remember that fever-dream boat ride? Here’s the clip:
And so, without further ado, step aboard for Wild Wonka and the Guardians’ Chase.
(The Guardians’ boat heads into the Wild Card Tunnel.)
NERVOUS FAN: Hang on… where are we going?
ANXIOUS FAN: I don’t know, but I don’t like the looks of that stretch against Detroit and Texas. Hey Wonka,
I want off!
WONKA: ’Round the bases and home again — that’s the Guardians’ way!
IMPATIENT FAN: I don’t like this ride, Daddy, we should be leading the Wild Card race by now!
WONKA: Faster!
NERVOUS FAN: The Mariners keep winning!
WONKA: Faster! Faster!
PESSIMIST FAN: We’re gonna lose, I know it — the Rangers are heating up too!
REALIST FAN: Hey, Wonka! You can’t possibly see where we are going!
WONKA: You’re right. I can’t.
Nervous FAN: This is kind of a strange season!
OPTIMIST FAN: Strange, sure, but we’re still only two and a half back!
YOUTHFUL FAN: This is terrific — scoreboard watching every night!
(Commotion builds. Standings flash across the walls. Rays… Mariners… Rangers… Royals. The wild card chaos spins faster and faster.)
WONKA (chanting):
There’s no earthly way of knowing,
In which direction we are going.
There’s no knowing where we’re rowing,
With the standings always flowing!
Are the scoreboard lights still glowing?
Are the baseball gods all-knowing?
The Wild Card race is ongoing,
So the danger must be growing.
Last year was easy going,
But our struggles are now showing.
Yes! The danger must be growing,
For the Mariners keep on rowing,
And they’re certainly not showing,
ANY SIGNS THAT THEY ARE SLOWING!
IMPATIENT FAN: Wonka, this has gone far enough!
WONKA: Quite right sir. Stop the boat!
(The tunnel brightens. The boat slows. The standings remain.)
WONKA: We’re here.
(Just two and a half back. One game left against Tampa…and then on to Kansas City…)
The ride may leave us dizzy, but the Guardians are still in the thick of it. Two and a half games isn’t an abyss when there is still plenty of baseball to be played. They may not look like a championship team, but you only need a ticket to have a chance. So buckle up — we haven’t been kicked out of Wild Wonka’s factory yet, and if Cleveland steadies the boat, the golden ticket could still be ours.
Just don’t go drinking from the chocolate river…
