Welcome back to part two: the National League. Some stronger Twins connections and overall enjoyment from watching the team led to some higher scores this time around. As a reminder, here are the categories we are ranking teams with:
- Twins Connections: how connected are you to the Minnesota Twins? This includes former Twins players, prospects, coaches, or greater Minnesota ties. Additionally, are there any current Twins who would get rings if you win the World Series? The longer tenured your former Twins, the better your score.
- Entertainment: How fun is it to watch you play baseball? Style of play is a factor, but moreso do you have players and storylines that are fun to root for and players who have fun on the field? Think Harrison Bader. Ironically, a bad bullpen also plays up here because it keeps things interesting.
- Ethical Ball: This is the style-of-play and anti-Cleveland Guardians category, who I find both infuriating and unenjoyable to watch. We don’t want all homers or all dink-and-dunk singles, we want a power/speed mix, aces to carry you, and an elite bullpen with good stuff.
- Most Recent World Series: This is straightforward, how recently have you won a championship? I like some 2019 Nationals/2023 Diamondbacks out-of-nowhere deep postseason runs, sorry Dodgers.
- Intangibles: a catch-all category to award or dock points as I see fit. Is your owner ideologically aligned with the Pohlads? How many former Cleveland Guardians do you have on your roster? Do you now or have you ever employed Aroldis Chapman? Are you the Yankees? All these things will lower your score in the intangibles category.
Let’s get into it and crown a champion!
Milwaukee Brewers
Twins Connections: 1/10
- Trevor Megill: 1 Season with Twins
Despite their geographical proximity, the Brewers have very few connections to the Twins. Megill pitched for the Twins in the 2022 season before being traded to Milwaukee where they instantly turned him into
one of the best relievers in baseball, as they are wont to do.
Entertainment: 8/10
The Brewers are what the Guardians think they are. They have two bonafide stars in the middle of the lineup in William Contreras and Jackson Chourio, while Christian Yelich is a half step below them as he’s been playing through a slew of back injuries in his mid-30s. They’re complimented by 10-12 legitimate, above-average bats who all are good enough at certain skills to keep opposing teams off balance. Brice Turang does everything well, is an elite base stealer, and led their hitters in fWAR. Caleb Durbin, Joey Ortiz, Isaac Collins, and Sal Frelick are all high-end defenders with some juice, while complimentary/platoon bats Andrew Vaughn, Jake Bauers, and Rhys Hoskins can start or come off the bench and completely change a game.
Milwaukee’s pitching staff is led by perennial dark horse Cy Young contender Freddy Peralta and backed up by a contingent of electric young arms like Quinn Priester, Jacob Misiorowski, and Chad Patrick. The late season injury to Brandon Woodruff put a dent in their plans, but they are chock full of starters that can take over a game. Their bullpen is headlined by the electric Abner Uribe and his sinker he can pump up to 100 MPH and the aforementioned Megill. This staff is electric.
Ethical Ball: 9/10
The platonic ideal of ethical baseball. Elite speed, game changing power, an excellent mix of power and finesse in the pitching staff. The only thing docking them a point is their starters behind Peralta and Priester. Misiorowski, Patrick, and even wily veteran Jose Quintana have gone through stretches where they’ve looked like a competent third playoff starter, but none of them have been able to perform consistently. The Brewers are being coy about Woodruff’s availability for the playoffs, but a strained lat coming off of major shoulder surgery that kept him out for 18 months make his return unlikely.
Recent World Series: 10/10
The Brewers have never won a World Series or an NL pennant. Like the Mariners in the AL, this is an easy 10.
Intangibles: 7/10
Milwaukee once again comes up clutch when they need it most. While the Brewers have been viewed as an ideal for building a contender on a budget, they’ve made investments in spots they’ve needed to and are excellent at self-scouting and shoring up holes. This is the best version of what the Twins want to be, though it would still be nice if they could get their payroll closer to the top half of the league. I will give them the benefit of the doubt since they are a little ahead of schedule this season and have shown a willingness to spend in the past.
Critically, the Brewers are not the Yankees, only employ a single former Guardian (Bauers), and have never had Aroldis Chapman on their team. Let’s split the difference and call it a solid 7.
FINAL SCORE: 35/50
Philadelphia Phillies
Twins Connections: 10/10
- Jhoan Duran: 4 seasons with Twins
- Max Kepler: 10 seasons with Twins
- Harrison Bader: 1 season with Twins
- Twins Rings: Mick Abel, Kody Clemens
- Matt Strahm is from Fargo, ND
While there isn’t a lot of quantity here, the quality is unmatched. Kepler spent 15 years in the Twins’ system and 10 years in a Twins jersey. Duran is probably the most electric reliever in Twins history and probably a top five reliever even in just 3.5 seasons. Bader was with us for a short, but fun stretch. And Strahm is sneakily one of the best athletes to come out of Twins Territory in a while. Add in the fact that Clemens and Abel would get rings, and there’s a lot of Minnesota athletes I’m personally invested in seeing succeed.
Entertainment: 9/10
Even in his 30s, Bryce Harper is good for a fun quote every time he has a mic in front of him. They lost Zach Wheeler, currently in the “best pitcher in baseball” conversation, but still have an exciting staff of electric lefties (Jesus Luzardo, Ranger Suarez, Cristopher Sanchez) and solid veterans (Aaron Nola, Taijuan Walker). Their bullpen behind Duran, Strahm, and Orion Kettering is suspect, but they have the starters that means they won’t have to get into the ‘pen all that often. The lineup is great 1-9 and these guys simply like playing together. They’re fun to watch!
Ethical Ball: 8/10
With a caveat that I haven’t watched much of the Phillies this season, these guys are very solid ethically. The loss of Wheeler hurts on the ace front, but the acquisition of Duran shored up their biggest real world and satirical ethical weakness. Power from Harper, Kyle Schwarber, Alec Bohm, and Nick Castellanos mixed with the speed and defense of Trea Turner, Bader, JT Realmuto, Kepler, and others makes for ideal baseball ethics. With a strong bench, the Phillies legitimately go 12 deep here and can mix and match as needed.
Recent World Series: 6/10
The Phillies haven’t won it all since 2008 but have been a regular in postseason in the near 20 seasons since. They made a surprise NL Pennant run in 2022 and have infamously choked in wide open NL’s of the past when teams like the Dodgers were eliminated early. Time to redeem themselves and push it all in for 2025!
Intangibles: 10/10
The Phillies spend money on a competitive roster, have an owner who has openly said he’s okay losing money on the team in an effort to be a better steward in their community, and have a good mix of homegrown players and external acquisitions. POBO Dave Dombrowski’s self scouting is elite, allowing him to shore up the roster when needed. Meanwhile, they have never employed Aroldis Chapman, are not the Yankees, and have 0 former Guardians on the roster. The platonic intangible ideal.
FINAL SCORE: 43/50
Los Angeles Dodgers
Twins Connections: 2/10
- Eddie Rosario: 6 seasons with Twins
- Brock Stewart: 3 seasons with Twins
- Ben Rortvedt: 1 season with Twins
- Brusdar Graterol: 1 season with Twins
- Twins Rings: James Outman, Noah Davis
Rosario and Stewart are a strong base, but Rosario played 3 games with the team while Shohei Ohtani was on parental leave, making him arguably the funniest replacement player all season. Stewart pitched 4 games for the Dodgers and then got yet another season ending shoulder surgery. Ben Rortvedt is only on the roster because Will Smith is hurt. Brusdar Graterol has been out all season. The ties are weak and James Outman is bad.
Entertainment: 10/10
I hate to admit it as much as the next guy, but one of the positives of the Dodgers acquiring everybody is they tend to be very entertaining. Ohtani is, in my opinion, the greatest baseball player of all time. He’s about to win his third straight MVP (and fourth overall and fifth straight top two finish), is the greatest hitter alive, and did it while putting up Cy Young-caliber pitching numbers in 14 starts since returning from his second Tommy John surgery.
Then there’s the rest of the team. They are stacked with aces and first-ballot Hall of Fame pitching out of the bullpen in his final season. The bullpen, frankly, is awful which will keep lesser teams in it longer than they should be. Mookie Betts had his worst season as a pro, which should make his postseason heroics all the more entertaining. Max Muncy put on glasses and became a top five hitter once again. Insane, wildly entertaining stuff happening in Los Angeles.
Ethical Ball: 5/10
The Dodgers may be fun, but the bullpen liability takes a huge bite out of their ethics score. And while the Dodgers have power and hits in spades, their aging roster and Ohtani’s unwillingness to run since returning to the mound make the lineup rather boring. The only player under 30 starting for LA is 24-year-old Andy Pages, who had a terrible second half after being an All-Star.
Recent World Series: 1/10
I don’t award zeroes in this exercise otherwise that’s where the Dodgers would be. They won it all last season for the second time in five years and have spent to the point where it’s shocking when they don’t at least make it the World Series. Sorry, Dodgers.
Intangibles: 5/10
Now, by the criteria previously laid out, the Dodgers should theoretically rank much higher. They’ve never employed Aroldis Chapman, are not the Yankees, somehow employ 0 former Guardians despite their roster churn, and have an ownership group who are the antithesis to the Pohlads. However, the 2020s Los Angeles Dodgers are the spiritual successors to the 2000s Yankees with their roster chock full of aging superstars. And while they get a pass on the Chapman thing, they have repeatedly demonstrated they will sign players who are among the worst guys in the league (Trevor Bauer, Julio Urias), meaning they would absolutely employ Chapman if they could. Wins over everything, I guess.
FINAL SCORE: 23/50
Chicago Cubs
Twins Connections: 8/10
- Caleb Thielbar: 8 seasons with Twins
- Ryan Pressly: 6 seasons with Twins
- Taylor Rogers: 6 seasons with Twins
- Willi Castro: 3 seasons with Twins
- Carlos Santana/Michael Fulmer: 1 season with Twins
- Michael Busch from Minnesota
- Twins Rings: Genesis Cabrera, Brooks Kriske
The Cubs get credit for quantity over quality here. Thielbar has sneakily been one of the best relievers in baseball, regaining his 2021-2023 form with the Cubs. He gets bonus credit for being a born Minnesotan as well. Rogers and Pressly were longtime staples at the back of the ‘pen for some bad Twins teams and are on the tail ends of their careers, though Pressly is no longer with the team. Meanwhile, Castro has been bad in his sparing usage in Chicago while Santana was left off the postseason roster entirely. Kriske just opted for free agency and Cabrera will likely be non-tendered within a few weeks. A load-bearing Thielbar is holding things strong.
Entertainment: 5/10
The Cubs were fun in the first half when Kyle Tucker and Pete Crow-Armstrong were playing like MVP candidates. Both have fallen hard in the second half, which frankly just makes me sad. Breakouts from Michael Busch and Seiya Suzuki have provided a bit more of a spark, but the rest of the lineup is good enough to win, but boring enough to make for a mediocre night at the ballpark.
Much like the lineup, the pitching staff is good, if uninspiring. Cade Horton was sneakily one of the best pitchers in MLB in the second half, while wily lefties Matt Boyd and Shota Imanaga both had solid seasons. The bullpen is a rotating cast allowing them win match ups, but leaves a lot to be desired on the entertainment front. The Cubs get points for winning, but lose some for being boring while they do it. Let’s split it right down the middle.
Ethical Ball: 7/10
The fall offs from Tucker and PCA take this down a bit with the lineup becoming somewhat unbalanced. That being said, Tucker, Happ, Busch, and Suzuki bring plenty of power on their own while Nico Hoerner, diminished PCA, Carson Kelly, and Dansby Swanson lock down the defense up the middle and bring plenty of speed and small-ball in their own right. They take a hit on pitching due to their mix-and-match unreliability, but still come out solid overall.
Recent World Series: 4/10
Since winning it all in 2016 and breaking one of the longest championship droughts in professional sports, there is no way to describe this team other than uninspiring. The only player left from that era is Ian Happ, who is a perfectly acceptable, boring player. There’s been little postseason success since then, but that’s on execs Theo Epstein and Jed Hoyer for not investing in a team’s championship window.
Intangibles: 4/10
Let’s venture into the very safe and uncontroversial world of politics to briefly (BRIEFLY) talk about rookie third baseman Matt Shaw. Shaw was mediocre, at best, and uninspiring in his first MLB season, but that’s not why I’m writing about him. Shaw missed a couple games earlier this month to attend the funeral of Charlie Kirk. If you’ve read me before, you should clearly understand that I didn’t agree with Kirk in any way, shape, or form and found nearly all of his platform to be disingenuous hate speech disguised as intellectual talking points. To be clear, I do not think Kirk deserved to die for that. To be even clearer, Matt Shaw should not have been allowed to miss any games, let alone ones in the midst of a playoff race, to attend the funeral of a person who he saw on YouTube and met a few times during Spring Training. This was an organizational failure from everyone involved on the Cubs. Okay, back to fun baseball now!
Outside of that debacle, the Cubs also don’t speed nearly as much on their roster proportional to their market size and cultural impact. Jed Hoyer seemingly likes to cosplay as a small market GM while having the financial resources to compete with the Dodgers or Yankees if he chose to. Aroldis Chapman, of course, was instrumental to their 2016 World Series run and they only employ two former Guardians. Let’s balance this one at a four and move on.
FINAL SCORE: 28/50
San Diego Padres
Twins Connections: 1/10
- Luis Arraez: 4 seasons with Twins
Oops, all Arraez! The three-time batting champ is the only connection Twins fans have to the Padres at this point. Arraez can be fun when things are working, but the defensively-challenged infielder has had a rough season, putting up just 0.9 fWAR in 154 games, with a wRC+ barely above league average. Never a power hitter, Arraez’s advanced metrics have taken a turn for the worst, putting up career lows in average exit velocity, ISO, batting average, OBP, hard hit rate, barrel rate, and WPA. Sure, he set a modern record by striking out in just 3.1% of his plate appearances, but there simply weren’t enough hits to justify his lack of power.
Entertainment: 7/10
Arraez and Jake Cronenworth are boring, but the core of Fernando Tatis Jr., Manny Machado, and Jackson Merrill are as fun as they come. They also saw nice bounce back seasons from Xander Bogaerts and Gavin Sheets, while shoring things up by acquiring Ryan O’Hearn and Ramon Laureano at the trade deadline. Plus, Jose Iglesias is an international pop sensation!
They’ve been hit by the injury bug on the pitching side, but still have a solid top three in Nick Pivetta, Dylan Cease, and 39-year-old Yu Darvish. Their best starter, Michael King, will pitch out of the bullpen as he is still working back from a season of injuries. In the bullpen, they have four All-Stars and legitimate weapons with Mason Miller, Robert Suarez, Jason Adam, and Jeremiah Estrada. If the Fathers can piece together the first five innings, the back four are locked down.
Ethical Ball: 6/10
Tatis and Merrill are excellent and basically everything on the diamond, from small ball to power to stealing bases to defense. After that, there’s a bunch of one dimensional players like Arraez, Sheets, and O’Hearn and are severely lacking in the speed/base running department. Pitching wise, they are a starter short if King is unable to pitch five innings, though that electric, lock-down bullpen can make up for that.
Recent World Series: 10/10
They haven’t been around that long, but San Diego doesn’t have a championship or pennant to their name. They also recently got their football team stolen from them, so I think the city deserves to see the Padres bring it home.
Intangibles: 10/10
The Padres are perfect in the Chapman, Guardians, and Yankees departments, so let’s talk about ownership.
Former owner Peter Seidler made a concerted effort in his last few years at the helm to push the Padres to a championship, outbidding the likes of the Dodgers, Yankees, and Red Sox for the services of Machado, Bogaerts, Darvish, Cease, and Juan Soto, among others. Despite their financial restraints, the Padres have pushed hard to compete. Peter’s brother John has taken over since Peter’s passing and maintained a top five payroll despite their relative market size. This is exactly what I’m asking the Twins to do, if not beyond my expectations. You don’t need to spend all the time, but push your chips in while you have a championship window. Instead, the Twins cut their payroll by $40M when their window opened in 2023.
FINAL SCORE: 34/50
Cincinnati Reds
Twins Connections: 2/10
- Taylor Rogers: 6 seasons with Twins
- Zack Littell: 3 seasons with Twins
- Emilio Pagan: 2 seasons with Twins
- Ian Gibaut: 1 season with Twins
- Spencer Steer, Christian Encarnacion-Strand, Chase Petty: Former Twins prospects
The Twins recent penchant for trading with Cincinnati means they are littered with former Twins prospects. However, Rogers is now on the Cubs, Littell was a decline acquisition, Pagan had one infuriating and one decent season in Minnesota, Gibaut was forgettable (how many of you remember his time here?), and CES/Petty were left off the postseason roster. But hey, we always have Spencer Steer.
Entertainment: 4/10
While the Guardians stormed back to steal a playoff spot, the Reds fell ass-backwards into one thanks to the Mets’ incompetence. They went 40-40 over their last 80 games to sneak in thanks to a tiebreaker with New York, while their electric shortstop Elly De La Cruz had his worst season as a pro. The rest of the lineup is littered with guys who are good, but not great like Steer, TJ Friedl, Tyler Stephenson, Noelvi Marte, Gavin Lux, Austin Hayes. Meanwhile, their big trade deadline acquisition Ke’Bryan Hayes is simultaneously the best defender and worst hitter in baseball. Their pitching staff is fun, though! Hunter Greene and Andrew Abbot are a fun duo while being backed up by solid arms. Also, by the time this is being posted they’re already eliminated, which is not very entertaining.
Ethical Ball: 5/10
Let me describe this team in the exact same way their second half went. Perfectly average. They don’t do anything great. They don’t do anything terrible. Rather than being balanced with a mix of players who excel at certain aspects of the game, everyone here is completely average at everything, which makes for a perfectly average ethical viewing experience. A perfectly average 5 for you, Cincinnati.
Recent World Series: 8/10
The Reds last won a title and a pennant both in 1990. They had some competitive teams in the Johnny Cueto/Joey Votto days, but never were able to put it all together.
Intangibles: 6/10
I’ll give them this: the Reds have at least tried. They don’t always have the highest payrolls, but they’ve demonstrated a repeated willingness to push some extra cash in when the team is competitive. They only have two former Guardians, but unfortunately, Cincinnati is the originator of Aroldis Chapman. Another category, another average score for the Reds.
FINAL SCORE: 25/50 (a fittingly, perfectly average final score)
With an overwhelming final score of 44/50, congrats to the official Twinkie Town Fan Guide champions: The Philadelphia Phillies!! I’m very excited to be rooting for Duran, Kepler, and Bader again.
From now until the Phillies are eliminated, we are officially rebranded as Phillies Town (open to suggestions here). I’m very excited to be rooting for Duran, Kepler, and Bader again, as I’m sure you all are as well. As we always say here at Phillies Town: “Win, Phillies, win!”
