It’s the offseason, a magical time of the year where there’s time enough to dive into topics that might not get much attention when there are games to be played. Like the matter of our favorite Buffalo Bills players and what endorsement deals they might land. No, I’m not talking about Josh Allen and his product endorsements for… well just about everything at this point.
This is the time of year where we can dive into the new advertising campaign featuring Bills safety Damar Hamlin. If you hadn’t heard
yet, Hamlin is following in the footsteps of notable bowling superstar Roy Munson. If that reference didn’t land, Hamlin is featured in an advertisement for Trojan brand condoms. Now here’s the kicker, in my opinion; I’m all about players leveraging their celebrity status for endorsement deals but I just don’t understand the connection between this product and Damar Hamlin.
Which is how I landed at the premise for this article. Let’s make some oddball pitches for ads we’d like to see and pair them with some of our favorite Buffalo Bills players. Stick to community guidelines but let’s have some fun with it.
Tourism campaign starring Joe Andreessen
Our ad begins with “Buffalo Joe” strolling along Buffalo with shots in all four seasons in beautiful Western New York. He’s dressed in full Western New York attire (Bills gear if the NFL and NFLPA are on board with it). Andreessen talks about his love for his hometown, how excited he’s been playing for the home team, and how great it is to be home.
And then he closes with “Come visit [City Name]” and it’s some place not remotely like Buffalo or the imagery shown. Bonus points if it’s a town that’s so small it has no business having an advertisement budget. “I’m not nicknamed ‘Buffalo Joe’ for nothing. I love my home town, team, and all that Buffalo has to offer. Come visit Los Cerillos, New Mexico.”
The less explanation the better.
Greg Rousseau for Surge soda
This is your typical athlete ad at first glance. Groot is seen first hitting the weights in the gym. We get rapid-fire cutscenes that are part of the familiar training montage format. As the scenes get more intense, you can see Rousseau visibly frustrated that he’s not reaching the mythical “next level.” Lightning crackles across the screen, a vibrant green can appears in Rousseau’s hand. He smiles, nods, and drinks it down.
The montage changes to Groot wreaking havoc on offensive lineman and quarterbacks, ending with a triumphant pose atop a pile of defeated foes. It all captures the “extreme” attitude of the late 90s and early 2000s which is appropriate given that Surge was discontinued in 2003. I have no reason to think they’re bringing it back either but why not make a commercial for it?
Dion Dawkins for Little Chocolate Donuts
Yes, I know. This is very much like the Greg Rousseau one, but I had to include it. John Belushi’s “Little Chocolate Donuts” sketch for Saturday Night Live has lived rent free in my head for as long as I can remember. One of the pinnacles of satirical comedy, I’d love to see the Schnowman do as close to a shot-by-shot reproduction of this gem as he could with football rather than track and field.
Matt Milano for Duolingo
Matt Milano is in Venice trying to order a fancy coffee, but OH NO! He doesn’t speak the language. He leaves the cafe with his head hanging in shame. Cut to Paris, France where he runs similarly afoul of the language barrier trying to buy a baguette. After the same result at various other destinations Milano is seen downloading Duolingo to learn as many new languages as he can.
Note that we never hear him actually practicing the language, we just have to assume that he’s absorbing it somehow and might actually speak out loud if it came to it. Like in an emergency situation maybe. I can’t think of anything that might make the man speak, but I imagine there’s gotta be something.
It was surprisingly hard to find the video of this gem online, but if you’re wondering about the inspiration for this piece, here you go.
