What is the story about?
Hi,
I got tired of seeing every hockey site posting “BOLD predictions for each NHL team” that weren’t very bold. Truly, they were mostly just lists of “this completely realistic thing could happen but my editor required that I make it sound bold,” and then they slapped “bold” on the headline for some rote, click-baity reason.
So I made my own list, for catharsis. Kindly disregard.
Pacific Division
- Anaheim Ducks: Pat Verbeek is such a tough salary negotiator that he spends the entire season trying to fit his 23-man roster under the cap.
- Calgary Flames: The Flames miss the playoffs. Bold!
- Edmonton Oilers: After being suspended for projecting individual players’ TikToks on the hot tub big screen, Mike Babcock is replaced as head coach by Mark Messier, who promptly awards himself with the Mark Messier Leadership Award.
- Los Angeles Kings: Pete Laviolette is fired by his seventh franchise, replaced by Darryl Sutter who guides them to a Stanley Cup.
- San Jose Sharks: Ryan Warsofsky is replaced by Pete Laviolette.
- Seattle Kraken: Jordan Eberle remains captain, but laments that his best-performing years were when he was required to be clean shaven before showing up to work.
- Vegas Golden Knights: Praised for always going above and beyond, Vegas puts a bunch of guys on LTIR and acquires Connor Hellebuyck. But this achievement pales in comparison to ensuring Bruce Cassidy remains unemployed.
- Vancouver Canucks: With performance and attendance dwindling, the Canucks announce a rebrand based around a new logo featuring an orange and black orca whale skating downhill in the shape of a hockey rink.
Atlantic Division
- Detroit Red Wings: Dylan Larkin is traded. Bold! But the Wings still extend their franchise-record playoff drought to 11 seasons.
- Buffalo Sabres: The Sabres miss the playoffs, because Buffalo is a cruel, cursed sportstown.
- Boston Bruins: Warning that he won’t re-sign when his ELC expires in three years, James Hagens requests a trade. Also: Mired in a five-game losing streak, Hampus Lindholm and Elias Lindholm get in a bloody fight in practice, tearing the locker room apart.
- Montreal Canadiens: Noah Dobson wins the Norris Trophy.
- Florida Panthers: Brady and Matthew Tkachuk combine for 50 goals and 200 PIM. Bold!
- Ottawa Senators: The LeBreton Flats arena plan falls through yet again, and the Senators announce a plan to share a state-of-the-art arena in Hamilton with the Hammers.
- Tampa Bay Lightning: The Lightning make the playoffs.
- Toronto Maple Leafs: Auston Matthews and his teammates return from their Phoenix preseason junket without harassing any security guards.
Metropolitan Division
- New Jersey Devils: Sunny Mehta — not to be confused with the late, longtime Alfred A. Knopf publisher Sonny Mehta — is fired as GM and replaced by Lou Lamoriello. Chris Lamoriello is named assistant GM, Martin Brodeur is named interim head of player nutrition.
- Columbus Blue Jackets: Every single American on the team demands a trade to a U.S. market where there is less pressure.
- Washington Capitals: Alex Tuch outscores Jordan Kyrou by four goals, but they are separated by 26 in plus/minus.
- New York Rangers: After years of disappointing everyone by simply existing, the sadsack Rangers franchise finally folds. All their historical statistics are transferred to the Winnipeg Jets, except for the 1994 Stanley Cup, which is returned to the Edmonton Oilers franchise.
- Philadelphia Flyers: Kevin Kurz files multiple articles about the team in the opening week, including another “Why I Joined The Athletic” thought piece.
- Pittsburgh Penguins: Egged on by local media, Penguins fans spend the entire 84-game season complaining that Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin and Kris Letang do not get enough respect, while Mario Lemieux laments that he needs to rethink whether he wants to be a part of it all.
- New York Islanders: The Drive for Five…regular season wins continues into November.
- Carolina Hurricanes: NHL fans are reminded that this team won the Stanley Cup, and it turns out it’s their second in this century.
Central Division
- Chicago Blackhawks: Patrick Kane returns to one of his old franchises and manages to avoid a drunken tussle with a cab driver.
- St. Louis Blues: With both franchises in self-deluding late-season playoff pushes, the Blues swap a 7th defensemen to the Islanders for a fourth-line forward, each team raving about the new acquisition’s “veteran presence.”
- Colorado Avalanche: ESPN names Ray Bourque the Most Inspiring Sports Story of the 21st Century.
- Winnipeg Jets: What prediction can you possibly give a team who already has everything?
- Utah Mammoth: Anders Lee reaches 20 goals for the 10th time in his career at age 36.
- Dallas Stars: Despite doing almost everything right for about a decade, GM Jim Nill continues to have to push the rock uphill.
- Minnesota Wild: Not getting quite enough media praise, Bill Guerin is awarded an Emmy for his performance as Jimmy McNulty on The Wire.
- Nashville Predators: Former GM Barry Trotz looks at the current Predators and looks at the current Islanders and mutters, through tears, “Why…why did we ever do any of this?”
