I drive a lot for work. That’s no secret. But I drive and have become particularly hungry lately, because I (1) haven’t stopped at a Kwik Trip for food in 6 months1 and (2) have begun listening to a podcast all about people’s dream menu.
1 In what I’m sure is completely unrelated news, I’ve lost 30 pounds since May.
That’s right—I’ve officially become a podcast douche.
The recent guilty pleasure is Off Menu, a British comedy podcast hosted by standup comedians and panel show mainstays—think Taskmaster,
Mock the Week, QI, and more—Ed Gamble and James Acaster. Each week, the two of them welcome in a guest—from another British standup to Robert De Niro and Jeff Goldblum—to a “Dream Restaurant”. The pair then ask the guest to tell them, as Acaster puts it, their “favorite starter, main course, dessert, side dish, and drink—not in that order.”
There’s a “secret ingredient,” usually some off-the-wall food like kangaroo meat or much-maligned spice like coriander, a minor plot point for each episode: if the guest includes that ingredient in one of their dishes, they are thrown out of the Dream Restaurant. It has happened exactly once.
Acaster serves as the “Genie” of the restaurant, the waiter who pops out of a lamp—just making a loud whooshing sound to try and scare the guest, a strategy he repeats when, following the guest’s choice of water and some banter, he screams “PAPADAMS OR BREAD!” at the guest, forcing them to choose their bread course (either some kind of bread or a papadam, the latter a crunchy fried bread from South Asia).
I genuinely just encourage you, if you’re a podcast person, to give it a try—there are good stories, good laughs, and a genuinely collaborative approach to comedy that’s really enjoyable. I personally prefer the British panel comedy style, where cleverness and a kind of camaraderie are rewarded, and would recommend an episode like Sarah Millican (episode #87, a Christmas special) or Claudia Winkleman (#76) before graduating to the really batshit episodes, like Joe Thomas (#50) or Munya Chawawa (#97). But there are also some good American ones from Anthony Jeselnik (#74) to Jason Mantzoukas (#252). Scroll the list; they’ve got 300 episodes at this point.
I was thinking I would tell you my dream menu, but then there’s not a ton exciting about listening to a fat guy list foods he wants to eat. It’s largely normal shit: steak, lots of good seafood, my own stealing of a few of the hosts’ “hacks” like getting an aperitif (Malört, of course) and an amuse bouche (a whole pepperoni pizza from my hometown spot—yes, I’m aware that’s not what an amuse bouche is), and so on.
Instead: what would you DORM dream menu be? I’m talking only food you ate in the dining halls in college—of course, you can and will and should “hack” this however you see fit; however, I reserve the right to kick you out of my dream restaurant at any time.
I went to Northwestern University. More often than not, I ate in the Foster-Plex Dining Hall (West Side). However, there will absolutely be moments I bounce around.
Welcome to the Off Tackle Off Menu Dream Menu…of MNWildcat (James: MNWildcat).
Still or Sparkling Water?
This question usually sees the guest choose one of the two options; however, “tap water” is another popular response, because even some celebrities are cheap.
MNW: Diet Coke with the good pellet ice; failing that, Diet Coke with ice.
I never wasted time with water unless it was extremely hot after marching band or I was extremely hung over. (Both of those things happened more often than we need discuss.) This was college: if I wanted to mix five kinds of cereal in the name of some bacchanalian orgy of breakfast, I could do that. If I wanted to top said cereal with Diet Coke, I could do tha—
PAPADAMS OR BREAD? PAPADAMS OR BREAD, MNWILDCAT, PAPADAMS OR BREAD?
MNW: Bread, mostly because the dining halls didn’t—I don’t think—serve papadams, but also because eating a big cracker doesn’t appeal to me. If I wanted a sleeve of saltines, I would get some, thanks.
Normally, this was a skip: I was not there for long enough to fuck around with bread. Besides, bread at its best is a vehicle for butter—cafeteria butter either came in the form of “hard as a fucking rock” or “little shitty packets of whipped stuff.” NO THANK YOU.
I will take cheesy bread—or, if it’s not there, but it’s my Dream Dining Hall so it is—from Allison, thank you.
I am trying to remember whether these were actual calzones, pizza rolls, or anything else—there was something greasy and fatty from the Allison dining hall, and I miss it. The “jeers” went to the shitt(ier) cheese pizza with the braided crust. What the fuck was that? Why did you inflict that on me? PUT MORE CHEESE ON THE PIZZA.
If I was really cheating here BUT had to do bread? I’d say a toasted bagel with chive and onion cream cheese from the Secret Einstein Bros. in Pancoe, and I’d navigate the campus to find Pancoe Hall and the Secret Einstein correctly on the first try.
Starter
MNW: The toughest of the bunch for me, because dining halls aren’t particularly suited to an appetizer. You go through, buffet-style, and get your plates. All of them. You sit down with your plates. All of them. You eat your plates. All of them.2 Fuck you, service a la russe.
2also coincidentally, I gained about 25 pounds my first year at Northwestern. Beer played a role, of course, but so did food on demand.
So, with that in mind, I’ll go with the mini made-to-order pizzas in Willard Dining Hall, which I’m told is no longer there. [ed. note: good. filthy sheep people.] Just a simple pepperoni pizza, and by the time my buzzer goes off, I’ll be famished and ready to house this.
That’s good, because it’s…
Main Course
MNW: Foster-Walker West BURRITO NIGHT.
Steak. Rice. Beans. Cheese. A little lettuce. Hot salsa. Load that fucker up. Gimme.
This was a must after marching band practice—the problem was dismissal. You’d get to Plex and there would be a line a couple dozen people long for these beatiful grilled and pressed burritos. I miss them, and I am a 34-year-old man who was surely just eating shitty Sodexo ingredients.
Side Dish
MNW: French fries. Plex West.
Don’t overthink it. They were hot, fresh, and there for you.
Drink
MNW: Especially on Burrito Night, that burrito with a plate full of fries was your base for going out that evening— and while I can’t say “Keystone Light, smuggled into the dining hall,” I’d be lying if I didn’t occasionally fill a Nalgene bottle (it was, like, 2009, they were all the rage) with Mountain Dew or Diet Coke for the going-out that night.
If I’m cheating, though—and I am—let’s say a Jamba Juice smoothie, bought with WILDcard points [that’s not how they stylized WildCard…how did they do it?] from the stand in Norris Center. That was a treat when I was broke as hell, freshman year.
Dessert
MNW: Allison Hall. HOT COOKIE BAR. Take as many as you could. Fill a little dessert plate for all I cared—and grab them before they were gone.
Next: slather those fuckers in soft-serve. Sprinkles. Dress it up real sexy before you ravish it.
God, do I miss HOT COOKIE BAR.
What’s your dream dorm dining hall menu?
Thursday Evening
Somehow I’m even more behind than usual. Blame the kids.
Don’t Watch This
whatever NFL bullshit is on
Watch That
Tuskegee Golden Tigers at Benedict Tigers
6pm | ESPN+
Rice Owls at Charlotte 49ers
6:30pm | ESPN | Rice -2.5 | O/U 42.5
A positively NFLian over/under here, but an interesting one. Rice went off-board in drafting program-builder Scott Abell (Washington and Lee, Davidson) to lead the way in Houston, but the ol’ Hoot Hoots kept Houston in line for a half last week as they transition from Mike Blomgren’s pro-style attack to a more option-oriented look.
Charlotte, on the other hand, poached Ohio coach Tim Albin in what was, at best, a lateral move in terms of program prestige—but certainly a step up from the MAC to the AAC3. The 49ers—so named for the “Spirit of [19]49”, the year the Charlotte branch of the University of North Carolina became a campus of its own—have been a mixed back: blowout losses to Appalachian State and North Carolina, and a 7-point win, 42-35, over FCS #20 Monmouth.
3no, not the American Conference. Stop trying to make fetch happen.
Stay pessimistic, but also I might take the over and see what happens.
Friday Evening
Don’t Watch This
Columbia Lions at Lafayette Leopards [5pm, ESPN+]
St. Anselm Pollsters at Assumption Asses [5pm, Flo]
Jeeeeeeeeeeeesus.
Iowa Hawkeyes at Rutgers Scarlet Knights
7pm | FOX | Iowa -2.5 | O/U 45.5
Potential Firing Alert!
Tulsa Golden Hurricane at Oklahoma State Cowboys
6:30pm | ESPN | OKSt -13 | O/U 55.5
I mean…these are your options. I’m sure volleyball is on, and someone can tell you in the comments or somewhere else—this is the internet, there’s really no point to this part of the article anymore—where you can find those matches.
I will start on Tulsa/Oklahoma State for two reasons:
1. It comes 30 minutes before the other game, and
2. If Mike Gundy loses, they might just bury him alive right there on the field. And I would like to see that.
Saturday Morning
Don’t Watch This
SC State Bulldogs at South Florida Brahman Bulls [11am, ESPN+]
Syracuse Orange at Clemson Tigers (-17.5, O/U 55.5) [11am, ESPN]
UNLV Rebels (-2.5, O/U 48.5) at Miami Hydroxide Redhawks [11am, ESPNU]
Bowling Green Falcons at Lhvl Crdnls (-26.5, O/U 51.5) [11am, ACCN]
Maryland Terrapins at wisconsin badgers (-9.5, O/U 43.5) [11am, NBC]
Wofford Terriers at Virginia Tech Headless Hokies [11am, ACCNX]
UAB Blazers at Tennessee Volunteers (-39.5, O/U 69.5) [11:45am, SECN]
Wagner Rheingolds at CMU Chippewas [12pm, ESPN+]
Watch That
#17 Texas Tech Red Raiders at #16 Utah Utes
11am | FOX | Utah -3.5 | O/U 58
North Texas Mean Green at Army Black Knights
11am | CBSSN | UNT -1.5 | O/U 52.5
Arkansas Razorbacks at Memphis Tigers
11am | ABC | Arky -7.5 | O/U 63.5
SMU Cocaineponies at TCU Horned Frogs
11am | ESPN2 | TCU -7 | O/U 64.5 | IRON SKILLET
Saturday Afternoon
Don’t Watch This
Oregon State Beavers at #6 Oregon Ducks (-35.5, O/U 55.5) [2pm, BTN]
UNC Tar Heels at UCF Citronauts (-6.5, O/U 48.5) [2:30pm, FOX]
Kent State Golden Flashes at #7 Florida State Seminoles (-45.5, O/U 56.5) [2:30pm, ACCN]
#22 Auburn Tigers at #11 Oklahoma Sooners (-6.5, O/U 49) [2:30pm, ABC]
Purdue Boilermakers at #24 Notre Dame Fighting Irish (-26.5, O/U 55.5) [2:30pm, NBC]
Toledo Mud Hens (-14, O/U 51.5) at Western Michigan Dutchmen [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Balls Tate Robotbirds at UConn Huskies (-21, O/U 52.5) [2:30pm, CBSSN]
James Madison Dukes (-9.5, O/U 48.5) [2:30pm, ESPNU]
Louisiana Ragin’ Cajuns (-2.5, O/U 51.5) at EMU Eagles [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Troy Trojans at Buffalo Bulls (-6, O/U 42.5) [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Gardner-Webb Runnin’ Bulldogs at Ohio Bobcats [2:30pm, ESPN+]
NC State Wolfpack at Duke Blue Devils (-3, O/U 59.5) [3pm, ESPN2]
NIU Huskies at Mississippi State Budllogs (-21.5, O/U 49.5) [3:15pm, SECN]
Temple Owls at #18 Georgia Tech BEEEEEEES (-24.5, O/U 53.5) [3:30pm, The CW]
Keep an eye on…
Idaho Vandals at San Jose State Spartans [4pm, MWN]
#19 Incarnate Word Cardinals at #17 Northern Arizona Lumberjacks [4pm, ESPN+]
Watch That
Tulane Green Wave at #13 Ole Miss Rebels
2:30pm | ESPN | Miss -11.5 | O/U 61.5
#21 Michigan Wolverines at Nebraska Cornhuskers
2:30pm | CBS | Michigan -2.5 | O/U 45.5
Perhaps it is a universal truth that the loss of liberty at home is to be charged to provisions agst. danger real or pretended from abroad. —James Madison to Thomas Jefferson, May 13, 1798
I assume he was talking about how I’m taking James Madison to cover 9.5 points.
If you are a constitutional literalist—though I think we’re finally rid of the last of those fucking morons around here—you are obligated to bet the Dukes.
Saturday Evening
There Is Only One Game
#9 Illinois Fighting Illini at #19 Indiana Hoosiers
6:30pm | NBC | Indiana -4.5 | O/U 52.5
I’m just excited as shit for this. I will be at Farm Aid, so I’ll only get to check scores, but FUCK YES it’s fun to see a ranked-on-ranked Big Ten game that…well, isn’t the same 6-7 teams over and over again. I hope everyone has fun, no one gets hurt, and Illinois loses by a million.
Not gonna list all the other games, you lazy putz? Is that how much you want us to watch Illinois-Indiana, or are you just that far behind on getting this done?
Fuck you, bold header guy.
#13 Southern Illinois Salukis at SEMO State Redhawks
6pm | ESPN+ | THE WAR FOR THE WHEEL
There. Happy?
It’s late and I’m drunk…
Don’t Watch This
UL Monroe Warhawks at UTEP Miners (-5.5, O/U 47.5) [8pm, ESPN+]
Southern Utah Thunderbirds at #9 UC Davis Aggies [9pm, ESPN+]
Wyoming Cowboys at Colorado Buffaloes (-13.5, O/U 44.5) [9pm, ESPN+]
Cal Golden Bears (-12.5, O/U 48.5) at San Diego State Aztecs [9:30pm, CBSSN]
Watch That
UTSA Roadrunners at Colorado State Rams
8:30pm | FS1 | UTSA -4.5 | O/U 59.5 [manifesting the over here]
Michigan State Spartans at #25 USC Trojans
10pm | FOX | USC -17.5 | O/U 55.5
Fresno State Bulldogs at Hawai’i Rainbow Warriors
11pm | MWN (mobile only) | Fresno -2.5 | O/U 47.5
Something I learned the hard way last week: Hawai’i is no longer on Team1Sports—it’s on Mountain West Network just like the rest of the conference now, but you can still only watch it on mobile devices on the mainland. So download the app if you, like me, have a problem.
Last thought from me, just because of the lack of “Watch That” on the eminently-possibly-good Auburn-Oklahoma game above. These are copied and pasted from a Discord I’m in, because, well, I had thoughts after teaching my lecture on “American Empire, 1862-1909,” a lecture in which we discussed whether or not America was (and/or is) an “empire”—asking first-semester undergraduates to first come up with a working definition, and then answer the question after I gave a lecture on it:
Today I lectured on empire. Was the first time I’ve given this lecture (rather than assigned it as a take-home because of time) in a year and a half. Students ID’d (ON THEIR OWN!) that an empire wasn’t just a monarch and a strong military, it was power and economic concentration. Connected it to the Gilded Age. And then had to sit and deal with how we participate in or memorialize empire, whether it’s in boarding schools or in “Boomer Sooner” or in “Well Natives have had casinos for a long time, why do they need government support?”
The latter (albeit not the gov’t support part) was a legit question a young man had. And he earnestly wanted to know; it wasn’t a gotcha.
So we got to talk about how settlers participated in colonization (homesteading for the empire), then kept the fruits of their labor; meanwhile, how Natives didn’t get the Indian Gaming Act until 1988 and how quickly can you undo what (spoiler) was going to be another 100 years of termination-oriented politics (save the brief Indian New Deal)? Led to a great conversation, students raising hands to show what they knew and had read, etc.
The kids are alright, is my point. Idiots, but alright.
I just pray they’re going to get a chance to fix our mess.
Enjoy the games, everyone. Let me know your Dream Dorm Menu in the comments.
