Oh no, they’re turning me loose to try to figure out the WordPress editor. WHAT AM I DOING? (panics, runs into door facing)
As a reminder of how all this started, feel free to click on the first Global Song Competition post in which we determined “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” was Australia’s best ever contribution to music to learn the rules of this game. In short, we didn’t want to talk about the aftermath of the last regular season baseball series, so Andrew started a distraction contest to…
…determine
the greatest song of all time, based on my limited knowledge of music and other countries.
First, we’ll go with the smattering of countries I can accurately point to on a globe and spell correctly—sorry, Kyrgustan (nope: it was Kyrgyzstan). If you’re confused about why we’re back to A again, well… we need the other side of the field of 64, and now states from the good ol’ US of A will get a chance to play along with the countries we didn’t include last time. Click here for a better explanation.
*Note: Feel free to disagree with my choices violently, and suggest better songs in the comments. I will not listen to you, nor will it affect the outcome of this ridiculous distraction contest, but I want you all to feel both seen and heard, even though I don’t know what most of you look like, nor sound like, but I want you all to feel effectively placated.
Well, we don’t particularly want to talk about the aftermath of this season’s baseball either, so here we are.
Seriously, what is seriously up with this WordPress editor? Back in the day, one could till the rich loam of GeoCities, and bring forth a website from nothing but HTML and FrontPage Express. what am i typing
Previous Results
We’re actually not 100% sure who won the Inca Empire poll for multiple reasons. For one, the old polls were deleted (boo!). But also, that article went up right when SBN switched over to this new format, and apparently suppressed the voting totals (based on the comments).
I think K’ala Marka won with “Cuando Floresca el Chuño” but am amenable to a revote. Debate in the comments. We demand purity and transparency with our nonsense.
See our list of all previous winners.
What we do know is that you people voted for Jackson for J, because why wouldn’t you do that. (“Wait, what did you vote for?” “Jackson.” “…”)
And as promised, I’m just going to pick songs that you’d hear on West Tennessee’s classic rock station, 92.3 FM. Basically, if you hooked my brain up to speakers, this article is what it would sound like.
JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF PARLAGI’S MIND, EVERYONE!
Not…not like that.
The Songs
1) Jimi Hendrix, Purple Haze
Hey look, it’s the song that describes the experience of trying to make sense of my comments!
I’d point out that this also made an outstanding ringtone, but I’d just wind up typing that on every entry.
2) Cream, White Room
Hey look, it’s the song that basically sounds like the content of my comments.
Wait, did I just imply that I’m a bot and Cream is an LLM model? Is the white room a data center that uses more water than the state of Louisiana? Are they powered by nutria? If I claimed “Rabid nutria, eating swampland, goodbye Lake Charles” was an actual lyric, would anyone know the difference?
Sunshine of your love.
3) CCR, Fortunate Son
This won a bonus joke poll back during the Vietnam entry, and did so in a blowout. Here’s your chance to actually vote for it now!
Remember when people thought that one day, songs like this would lose their societal relevance? Oh you sweet summer children.
4) Led Zeppelin, Immigrant Song
Valhalla, I am coming! Of course I’m going to use the Viking Kittens video, from back in the days when Flash animation roamed wild and free like the passenger pigeon.
Oh wow, this was uploaded to YouTube on August 9, 2006. Back when Josh Henderson was still settling into middle age during his 27th season at Vanderbilt.
5) Boston, More Than a Feeling
I really regret not spending COVID trying to grow Brad Delp’s hair and mustache. I probably would’ve failed, but what a worthy endeavor. So it goes. This version actually cuts out the second verse, which is a shame, but I really wanted to point at that majestic hair. All of it.
I have no idea how he hits that note at 2:32. And that guitar riff and chorus afterward! If you aren’t turning up your volume like a lunatic for the guitar riff, I don’t know what to tell you.
Granted, you could say about all the guitar riffs above. Let’s pick one with a different instrument:
6) Foreigner, Urgent
BEST SAX SOLO EVER. And the rest of it is pretty great too.
Fun fact most of you probably already know: That’s Motown legend Jr. Walker of “Shotgun” fame playing sax.
Honorable Mentions
Johnny Cash & June Carter, Jackson
True story: Both Johnny Cash and Charlie Daniels specifically stated their versions were about Jackson, Tennessee and not Jackson, Mississippi. (The authors said they didn’t have a particular town in mind, so their loss.)
Carl Perkins, Blue Suede Shoes
He didn’t just live in Jackson, the civic center is named for him. Hat tip.
Luther Ingram, If Loving You Is Wrong
I had no idea he was born in Jackson until just now. Education!
Vote in the Polls
In the last article (the Inca Empire), I wrote “We’re going to try to set these to close after a few days again. I remain terrified these newfound attempts at competence are going to do something to ruin the site.” And sure enough, then the entire site was redesigned. As always, I blame Vertigo, God of Insanity.
Apparently we have to create these polls externally? Fine, whatever. This is almost not worth it:
