Welcome to a limited series called “Overreactions: Where answers become questions, questions become more questions, and you question your own sanity so much that you slowly convince yourself that Malik Rose could have been an All-NBA point guard if Gregg Popovich had a little bit of imagination.”
It’s a safe place for anxious fans to overreact to every loss, win, tie, and moral victory after every single game in these NBA Finals. And because there are no ties in the NBA, we should add that item to another
longstanding list of grievances from NBA fans for Adam Silver. That list includes putting up a statue of Manu Ginóbili plucking a bat out of midair during an actual NBA game and putting that statue out in front of the NBA office in New York, New York.
Today we discuss Game One. It’s time to panic.
10. Jalen Brunson is unstoppable. Kelly Oubre said the hardest part about guarding the Knicks star guard is that big ol’ head. The Spurs could bring out a replica of Rick Moranis’s big (expletive) helmet when he played Dark Helmet in Spaceballs, chase Brunson around the court and try to corral him in it to prevent him from putting 30 points up again, but it’d be no use. The Villanova Knicks will find a way.
9. Karl Anthony-Towns is the only good thing about The Devil Wears Prada 2. Have I seen the second movie? No. Do I love the first movie because I love anything with Meryl Streep, Stanley Tucci, Anne Hathaway, Stanley Tucci, and Stanley Tucci? Of course. Will I pay $90 for a babysitter, $40 for two tickets to go see the sequel in a movie theater that smells like the mops are soaked in melted butter to clean the floors or wait until it comes out on streaming where I could just use my wife’s aunt’s mother’s streaming service login? The latter. What does that have to do with KAT’s stellar line of 18 points, 12 rebounds in 34 minutes of bruising play down in the paint? I don’t know. Why is Stanley Tucci so (expletive)ing charming? We just don’t know.
8. De’Aaron Fox will never make another shot in the fourth quarter again. Ever. Ever never ever again. The former (and inaugural) NBA clutch player of the year for 2022-23 season will be forced to return that award just based alone on the cries of angry fans’ reactions all over Spurs Twitter. That’s the only criteria, and frankly the only one we as a society should use to evaluate anything from Fox’s fourth quarter metrics to why penguins cannot fly—because angry people on social media demanded it so. Maybe if penguins paid a monthly subscription to have a blue check mark next to their names, they’d be able to fly off that huge island of ice and hang out in warmer climates like the Kohl’s parking lot in Irving, Texas that has no trees for shade in the heat of summer.
7. The Spurs are going to keep shooting 25% from three as a team. I mean take away Julian Champagnie’s 5-10 shooting from downtown and the team percentage falls all the way down to 18%. Do you know what is the only thing that is higher than 18%? Every single credit card interest rate. So worry not, if the Spurs’ insanely low (almost outlier-ish from a statistical standpoint) three-point percentage doesn’t keep you up at night, those CC APRs should.
6. The nuns are out. They brought us so much luck, charm, lucky charms, and distractions through the Western Conference Finals, and we owe so much to their faith in serving others, selflessness, and humble vibes. But now? After Game One? It’s time to panic and bring in Alex Caruso lookalikes dressed as chupacabras. Nothing says panic like making unholy alliances with chupacabras. Doing all of this nonsensical, downright delusional non-basketball bits won’t guarantee a win in Game 2. No, we just want to let the panic wash over us like a terrifying flashback of every made three pointer that left Alex Caruso’s magical hands in that last series.
5. Blame the corgi. Yeah, the corgi is cute. Like too cute in fact. And it briefly united the world against the Oklahoma City Thunder, the defending champs, because no one’s going to test the magical clairvoyance of a freakin’ corgi. But fame is a fickle mistress. And no one has more mistresses in the dog world than corgis. You know that meme where the dude is looking at another woman while holding hands with his current significant other? That meme was created by dalmatians as a warning to humans that corgis are coming after humans’ loved ones next. Behind those cute little round eyes is the charm of a certified psychopath. What does that have to do with the Spurs shooting less than 25% from three as team in Game One? Nothing. I just need to blame someone, even a cute, little corgi.
4. Mitchell Robinson broke his pinky at home on purpose. Hear me out. But maybe Victor Wembanyama’s least favorite finger is the pinky. Maybe his least favorite genetically enhanced laboratory mice who try to take over the world are Pinky and the Brain. Insert Charlie Kelly conspiracy meme from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia here. Just maybe, these things were enough of a phobia to distract Wembanyama from taking more shots down low. It’s time to panic, people, so we cannot leave any stone unturned or unblamed.
3. The Knicks are never going to lose another playoff game. Ever. Ever never ever again. This 12-game playoff winning streak will extend into next season and into playoff seasons for the next 10 years. During that time, they will make four more sequels to The Devil Wears Prada, and us NBA fans will be begging Adam Silver to quit rigging the playoffs in favor of the Knicks just so Anne Hathaway can continue to share cameos with KAT. I’m not trying to jinx their streak. I’m legit panicking. Didn’t you read the sixth sentence up there? It’s time to panic and overreact to every little thing. What is a Knickerbocker? Does it translate to “Bane of Spurs’ existence”? Don’t bother googling what a Knickerbocker is AIing it or whatever you kids use AI for today. And don’t bother explaining it to me. I want the smell of panic to linger over us because we’re definitely not going to act like we’ve been here before (6 times). Yes, I remember 1999. But we Spurs fans want to panic. We need to panic.
2. Speaking of panicking over every little thing. Who gave their Spurs court-side tickets to Ben Stiller? I know he’s a Knicks “superfan,” but have you seen The Secret Life of Walter Mitty? It’s a really good movie that was vastly underrated when it came out. I know those big market teams like parading their celebrities around like a proud parent who just saw their kids play little dribblers with no enforced rules for dribbling! Rules are rules, and I just don’t like seeing dual threat actor/director Ben Stiller seeing his favorite team win against our favorite team. If TSLoWM comes on cable, sure, I’ll stop what I’m doing and watch it again because I love that movie, and yes I still have cable. But I don’t have to like it, even if I do like it.
1. It’s time to give up. There’s a scene in Airplanes II: The Sequel where Buck Murdock (played by William Shatner playing Captain James T. Kirk playing Buck Murdock. It’s Kirk Lazarus’s “I’m the dude playing the dude pretending to be another dude” before Kirk Lazarus or reborn Robert Downey Jr. ever existed) gives up trying to help William Striker land the plane because the latter couldn’t find a piece of metal to shove into the control panel. The scene reads as incredulous as Shatner’s acting style. At the first sign of difficulty, he (Buck Murdock) completely gives up and tells everyone to shut it down. He even tells them to go home as he’s packing up his own suitcase while still on the line with Striker (even if the control tower they are all working in is on the moon where the plane piloted by William Striker is about to crash into).
That’s my overreaction. Let’s just give up. What’s a man doing with a bobby pin? 1982 humor. Gotta love it.
