Few things in baseball are as instantly iconic as a great mustache, and Payton Tolle is proving that true in Boston.
His mustache isn’t just facial hair—it’s a statement. It’s got that perfect mix of swagger and old-school grit, the kind of look that makes you think he was born to wear a Red Sox uniform. Watching Tolle take the bump at Fenway Park last week with that parted pencil ‘stache beckoned like a callback to the days when facial hair was not just part of the team’s identity—like the bushy
beards of the 2013 World Series champs—but when having a mustache was an art form, the true handlebar heroes of Red Sox history, the pencil pushing pitchers, the whalloping walruses, the paint brushes painting corners.
Tolle’s glorious mustache truly sparked an idea: what if there was an All-Time Red Sox roster, not just by stats or accolades, but by their facial hair game? From iconic lip rugs to playoff beards, Red Sox fans have seen it all. Tolle’s whiskers could stand among the greats someday, but for now, this All-Time Facial Hair squad sees the best of the best—from the cleanest edges to some truly remarkable cavemen.
First Base: Mike Napoli
The OG of the Beard group of 2013, Mike Napoli’s beard was probably the most iconic on the team. His contributions in 2013—especially in the playoffs—en route to a World Series win made it very easy to put him in this slot.
Second Base: Jerry Remy
Dustin Pedroia came pretty close to lading in this slot, but RemDawg isn’t RemDawg without his stache. His presence in the NESN booth alongside Don Orsillo is beyond missed and may his memory forever be for blessing.
Shortstop: Trevor Story
I was a millimeter shy of giving this to Rick Burlseon—his mustache was pretty decent. Still, Story’s beard is almost model-esque. Perfectly full and business professional, just like the way he’s carried himself in inarguably his best season in Boston so far.
Third Base: Wade Boggs
I know, I know, he defected to the Dark Side. Still, Mr. Drink All the Beer In the World on a Flight absolutely deserves this spot. Mike Lowell is an honorary mention, but Boggs takes the cake with this classic ‘stache.
Left Field: Jonny Gomes
Yet another beard pullee of 2013, Gomes was such a glue piece on that roster. And he performed, too, with some absolutely majestic walk-off homers against the Padres and Rays, as well as a dinger in Game 4 of the World Series. Left field was oddly bare for candidates, so Gomes is the standout winner.
Center Field: Johnny Damon
Another absolute beast taking the cake here. Damon’s caveman look is picturesque and one of the first things I associate with the Idiots that reversed the curse in 2004. Seeing him downgrade his look when he shaved after joining the pinstripes was absolutely awful.
Right Field: Dwight Evans
I had Trot Nixon in the slot until the absolute last second. Look at that mustache. Absolute perfection. While Trot did help reverse the curse, Dewey is embedded into the fabric of the Boston Red Sox.
Designated Hitter: David Ortiz
Was this the no brainer of all no brainers? The evolution of his facial hair—the pencil outline beard early on to the clean lines he has now—will forever live on in Boston. You can’t not see Big Papi without his beard. It’s just not possible.
Catcher: David Ross
Similarly to right field, I had someone else penciled in here until the very last second—Jason Varitek. But if this is a beard competition—not just an accolades competition—Ross’ is a work of art. The skunk stripe in white, another extremely yankable set of whiskers, it fit perfectly in 2013. Him lifting up Koji is an all-time memory.
Starting Pitching: Luis Tiant
Luis Tiant had the handlebars for days. From his pitching days all the way to the very end, El Tiante’s handlebar mustache aged with so much grace. It may even be my favorite of the bunch.
Closing: Craig Kimbrel
A wild pitcher in Craig Kimbrel fittingly had a wild, wild beard. As ginger as can be, completely unkempt, it fit his flamethrower activity—and then his wild lack of command in the end—on the bump for his Red Sox career.
What do you think? Who did I miss? Any more honorable mentions?
