Come one, and come all, as the NBA’s Great Tank Race is in full swing, now just one month into the regular season. Oh, and what a marvelous and festive occasion it is to gather as a community and celebrate
our sport’s most prestigious and fiercely uncompetitive pastime: Losing basketball games at the highest rate imaginable.
Last season’s champions, the Utah Jazz, were largely expected to recapture their previous excellence and stand among the greatest failures by this point in the year. Instead, carrying the tiresome burden of five wins and knocking on the door of the Western Conference Play-In Tournament, what was second-nature just a season ago is suddenly a habit that must be re-learned in the Beehive State.
Utah’s goal is to build through the draft, and the fruits of their efforts finally began to take shape as Ace Bailey slipped to the team with the fifth pick. The top players in the upcoming draft class are even more exciting, even more tantalizing, and yes, even more capable of leading a potential charge to the NBA Finals when the opportunity arrives.
But at what cost? Scars left over from stray shrapnel. The ringing that persists from the sounding of the unrelenting buzzer, marking losing effort after losing effort. Turnovers. Humiliation. Ineptitude. The constant threat of Oklahoma City seizing a first-round draft pick.
This season’s tank race has a highly saturated field of competitors, with bottom-feeders flocking to the bottom of the standings like middle-aged white men (and 24-year-olds with exceptional taste) to the Creedmas Holiday Tour.
So let’s meet the competition. Let’s size up the jockeys. Let’s do some scouting on the bottom of the barrel in hopes Utah can rediscover the lingering stench of humiliation.
One month of basketball now behind us, here is the status of the Great Tank Race in the NBA.
The Great Tank Race Standings: NBA Month 1
1 | Washington Wizards (2-15)
A familiar face, and a welcome sight near the bottom (top? I’ve confused myself) of any tank race. Why? Well, let’s just say the representatives from our nation’s capital are seemingly only consistent at one thing: ineptitude. And that applies to the Wizards, as well!
*Rim shot*
Thank you, thank you! I’ll be here until you inevitably click off the article in disgust.
But it’s true — nobody does losing quite like the Wiz, and last season’s tanking runners-up are still seemingly a few pieces away from being a few pieces away from competitive basketball. Alex Sarr, for all his weaknesses, is coming into his own as an almost Chris Bosh-esque stretch big in the modern age. I say that in the hopes that the basketball gods may show mercy on me and not smite me for blaspheming. Kyshawn George is the pleasant surprise for the team as well, averaging over 16 points, nearly 5 assists, 7 rebounds, with a steal and a block.
Bub Carrington, Bilal Coulibaly, and Cam Whitmore round out the rest of the ‘wait, does Washington have a promising young core?’ rostered hoopers. But despite the influx of promising players on this roster, they remain supremely terrible this far into the year.
2 | Indiana Pacers (2-15)
But soon, the Tyrese Haliburton-less Pacers will square off with Washington in an ultimate challenge for putrescence on the hardwood.
Back in August, I pitched the Pacers as a tank race contender, to the disagreement of many a commenter (that’s right, I know what you’ve been doing down there).
“Thanks to Miles Turner’s defection and the state of Tyrese Haliburton’s God-forsaken Achilles tendon, it’s with great displeasure that I introduce a contender for the worst record in basketball.
A 50-win team on the incline is now horrifyingly directionless and hopeless for a season. Their star point guard’s injury will keep him sidelined for this entire season, and despite Pascal Siakam’s best efforts, it may be in the Pacers’ best interest to punt on the 2025-26 campaign.“
Not to lift myself prophetic, but the Pacers have been horrible in a way almost unfathomable for a team that was a game away from winning the NBA Finals in June. Without Turner and Haliburton, this team’s patched-together nature is more apparent than ever.
3 | New Orleans Pelicans (3-15)
There’s a reason why Smoothie King Arena has more empty seats than not these days. There’s a reason why Willie Green (my NBA 2K13 ringer with LAC) has been discarded from his head coaching seat. There’s a reason why, despite lucking into Zion Williamson in the 2019 draft, the Pelicans have been non-competitive in the seasons their basketball savior was supposed to rule the league.
The reason? There is a house in New Orleans, and it’s been built brick by brick. Loss by loss.
4 | Brooklyn Nets (3-15)
Drafting five rookies in the first round and forcing them to share one basketball with an offensive black hole like Cam Thomas is equal parts cruel and unusual.
But since Thomas went down with an injury, Egor Demin and Drake Powell have risen as the hopes of the franchise (along with Michael Porter Jr, apparently). Demin, shedding all accusations of shooting limitations, is a sizzling and deadly weapon from long range, and appears to be the antithesis of early returns from Nolan Traore and Ben Saraf, who spend more time with the Long Island Nets these days.
Without Thomas, the Nets have been better, and their young core has captured the narrative of inadequacy to replace it with one of unpopular brilliance.
5 | Charlotte Hornets (4-13)
Kon Knueppel is that dude. Unfortunately for him, Charlotte remains Charlotte: a team with no hope and no future, yet here they sit in fifth place in the tank race. Even LaMelo Ball has had enough and asked to hit the ejection switch. They warrant no further comment, and I leave them to dwindle in obscurity.
6 | Dallas Mavericks (5-14)
What on Earth are you doing here? Are you trying to tell me that Nico Harrison actually didn’t have everything under control when he dealt one of basketball’s brightest stars for one of its least available? Color me shocked.
All the same, this team has Anthony Davis, Kyrie Irving, and Cooper Flagg. They have no business falling so far from grace, and they should be deeply ashamed of themselves. Now go stand with your head in the corner and take a minute to think about what you’ve done.
7 | Sacramento Kings (5-13)
Kings.
8 | Los Angeles Clippers (5-12)
Is it fair to officially declare the Kawhi Leonard/Paul George offseason one of the most significant failures in the history of the NBA? Two All-Stars and MVP candidates sharing a uniform at the peak of their powers, and what do they have to show for it? George darted in free agency. Leonard is more of an arborcurial entrepreneur than a basketball player in recent years.
A shell of their former capabilities, 36-year-old James Harden has control of the offense, and you’ve given up the reigning MVP along with a tsunami of draft capital for the honor of overpaying washed-up has-been stars. Not even being a Play-In team right now is disgusting.
9 | Utah Jazz (5-12)
Even without defensive anchor and everyone’s favorite tradeable center, Walker Kessler, the Utah Jazz have been considerably improved from last season’s tanking masterclass.
Adding Ace Bailey is a step in the wrong direction when it comes to accumulating losses, as the rookie has popped early with his new NBA home. Lauri Markkanen is undeniably in All-Star form at the moment. Scoring 30+ points with regularity and looking like a reflection of his 2023 self.
But most shocking of all is the leap of one Keyonte George in year 3. I could sing the praises of Key for ages, but that’s a story for another article. Or two. Or three.
Still, when it comes to the tank race, the Jazz are in dead last among all other competitors. For the first time in years, however, the Utah Jazz are a fun basketball team. Take the good with the bad?
Calvin Barrett is a writer, editor, and prolific Mario Kart racer located in Tokyo, Japan. He has covered the NBA and College Sports since 2024.
