Football is ultimately intended to be a form of entertainment. But things can get pretty intense on a forum like Hogs Haven as passionate fans debate the latest mock draft, and argue about what their team’s GM has to do at each pick to avoid disaster and elevate the team to perennial championship contenders.
To lighten the air a little, on the eve of the big event, I give you the All-Name Team for the 2026 draft.
Regular commenters who follow dg28’s weekly Future Hogs updates throughout the NFL season
will know that I am a big fan of the creativity that goes into naming many of the college prospects coming through the pipeline.
I am not the first to highlight the unusual, comical, and sometimes crazy names of NFL draft prospects. As I was pulling together the position group roundups that I published over the past few weeks, I kept notes on some of the more outlandish names I came across. And that gave me the idea for this piece. To help help readers kill the time before the draft, without rehashing the same debates about which player to pick 7th overall, the wisdom of picking an RB in the top 10, trading back vs sticking, or the timeless classic, BPA vs need, I decided to put my own spin the “best names in the draft class” concept.
The All-Name Team is a complete NFL roster composed of prospects in the 2026 draft with the most unusual, amusing or otherwise interesting names. To make it as topical to Commanders fans as possible, I’ve included as many players as I could who might actually find their way onto Washington’s roster, or would be good scheme fits. However, being a good armchair GM, I had to remain mindful of maximizing value with each selection. When faced with a choice, I always prioritized name talent over team need.
I started off with the intention of keeping to the number of players at each position on an NFL roster. But I lost discipline for two reasons. First, the 2026 draft is deep in name talent at some positions, such as LB and CB, and thin at others, including QB and TE. Secondly, there were just too many great names to cut it down to 28 players (11 offense & defense + 6 special teamers).
The end result is a highly selected roster of players, who might not be able to defeat the DC Defenders, but would certainly make it an entertaining game to watch.
OFFENSE
Quarterback
Grayson Loftis, Charlotte – Pocket passer who puts a lot of air under the ball on deep throws
Running Back
Le’Veon Moss, Texas A&M – I don’t see how you can go wrong with this particular combination at an offensive skill position. Just hope he doesn’t hold out for a contract extension.
Savion Red, Sacramento State – Could be good value to pick up after the draft, at Liquor Barn.
Fullback
Mareyohn Hrabowski, Western Michigan – I have never met anyone named Mareyohn. How about you? This gets extra style points for the easily pronounced ‘Hr’ combination to start the last name. And of course, anything with a ‘zcy’, ‘cz’ or ending in -owski is going to be a good fullback name.
Tight End
Dakota Twitty, Virginia – If football doesn’t work out, there is a career ahead of him in country music.
Wide Receiver
Germie Bernard, Alabama – Great receiver and occasional rushing weapon, just remeber to mask up and wipe down in the locker room.
Jacob de Jesus, California – With Noah Brown gone, Jayden Daniels needs a new Hail Mary target.
Squirrel White, Florida State (Slot) – Who guessed that Squirrel is a 5’9”, 177lb speedy slot receiver/return specialist? Great name, but not a great receiver. Squirrel turned up as the low outlier in the Catch Rate Over Expectation analysis for my wide receivers roundup, early in the draft season. I suppose it’s not too surprising that he struggles to catch the ball with those tiny paws and no opposable thumbs.
Offensive Tackle
Dametrious Crownover, Texas A&M – A big name for a big man to protect the QB’s blind side.
Isaiah World, Oregon – An even bigger name at swing tackle
Reuben Fatheree II, Texas A&M – Dametrious’ book end is the paternal type.
Fa’alili Fa’amoe, Wake Forest – This name has an infectious rhythm to it. Repeat it a few times and you’ll see what I mean. Also, I’m a sucker for Polynesian names with multiple apostrophes between vowels. And you can never have enough islanders in the trenches.
Guard
J.P. Benzschawel, Wisconsin – Five consonants in a row just roll off the tongue.
Joseph Immediato, UTEP – Great burst off the line, reaches his landmarks at the second level very quickly
Center
Jake Slaughter, Florida – Defensive tackles will think twice before shooting the A-gap.
DEFENSE
Edge
Popeye Williams, Western Michigan – Hits OTs with heavy hands and forearms, strong to the finish
Quintayvious Hutchins, Boston College – This year’s winner in the Alternative Neo-Classical category
Demon Clowney, South Carolina – Just run
Interior Defensive Line
Dontay Corleone, Cincinnati – Dontay goes by the name Don, and nickname The Godfather. Blockers just need to remember that anything which happens after the ball is snapped is just business. Pairs well with the linebacker the Commanders might draft in the first round (see Linebackers section)
Tywone Malone, Ohio State – Rhyming names are always fun. Except it’s pronounced TIE-whan, according to the Ohio State football website. Even so, it has a ring to it.
Skyler Gill-Howard, Texas Tech – SGH is an undersized gap shooter who had a Top 30 visit with the Commanders. Is it just me, or does anyone else over the age of 55 get his name confused with “The Revolution Will Not Be Televised” singer, Gil Scott-Heron? If the Commanders draft him, that’s what I’ll end up calling him.
Cornerback
LCB Hezekiah Masses, California
RCB Ephesians Prysock, Washington
Both of these players are actually on my board for the Commanders on Day 3. They are athletic corners who flash great coverage skills, with upside to develop. My main concern with these two is whether they will be available to play on the Sabbath.
Slot Boogie Trotter, Marshall Thundering Herd – Neither boundary CB is allowed to dance, so we need Boogie to balance out the CB room. As an added bonus, he played for one of the best named programs in college football.
Backup Slot Al’Zillion Hamilton, Fresno State – You don’t even need to see Al’ play to know that he is destined for stardom.
Linebacker
This is a deep linebacker class for the All-Name Team. I tried my best to pare it down to three, but there were too many quality options to pass up. In keeping with BNA philosophy, the GM needs to load up on these guys when the name talent is available.
“Sonny” Styles, Ohio State – Sonny is not a particulaly remarkable name. The fun part is the story of how the young Alex Styles acquired the nickname Sonny. According to his mother, Laverna Styles:
“He had such a hot temper, so we named him after Sonny from ‘The Godfather’ because when him and little Lorenzo [his brother and fellow NFL draft prospect] would get into an argument, he would get so mad,” Laverna shared. “He could go from zero to 10 in the blink of an eye, so his nickname became Sonny.”
Tight ends and running backs had better think twice about that before working his territory.
Wade Woodaz, Clemson – It would be perfect if Wade was an old school MLB, who lays the lumber. But maybe it’s even better that he’s a lighter, speedy WILL, with fluid movement skills who needs to play a little tougher at the next level. Either way, if a linebacker named Woodaz is available, you have to draft him.
Mister Williams, San Diego State – If he makes it in the league, the comic potential of commentators calling his plays will be worth a late round pick. Also, I’m confused on the etiquette for addressing him in a formal setting. If you address him as Mr, is that being too informal?
Mitchell Gonser, Buffalo – Not every prospect will make it in the NFL.
Scooby Williams, Texas A&M – Scooby profiles as a roster fringe WILL linebacker. Sadly, he does not appear to be related to the edge rusher from Western Michigan. But how cool would it be to have Scooby and Popeye on the same team?
Red Murdoch, Buffalo – Just a perfect football name. If not linebacker, he could be a character in a John Wayne movie.
Antavious Fish, Sam Houston – Masterpiece
Safety
Zakee Wheatley, Penn State – My first reaction was, “Who names their kid Zakee?” I looked it up. Turns out, it was Zakee Wheatley Sr.
Kapena Gushiken, Ole Miss – Sounds like a character in a street fighter video game. You don’t often see NFL players with Japanese surnames. Kapena is a Hawaiian with Japanese ancestry.
Genesis Smith, Arizona – another perfect fit for the All-Name Team’s Old Testament secondary
Tucker Large, Washington State – I’ll just leave this one for the comment section.
SPECIAL TEAMS
K Trey Smack, Florida – Strong leg, hits the ball with force
P – This one ended in a tie between two very deserving finalists. I’ll leave it to the comments to decide the winner:
- Jack Bouwmeester, Texas
- Caden Noonkester, NC State
LS Hank Pepper, USC – I was tempted to reunite Trey Smack with his college snapper, Rocco Underwood, but went with Hank because the zip he puts on his snaps is second to none. One LS to avoid: Carter Short, Ole Miss. You don’t want Short snapping.
KR Michael Jackson III, Purdue – He’s got moves.
PR Makai Lemon – He’s got the juice to break off a long return every time he touches the ball. Also a damn good WR, with the creepiest interview body language in the draft class.
ST Gunner Maldonado, Kansas State – Self explanatory
