Help me pick my lunch. Or learn what’s wrong with Minnesota. Or something.
MNW’s Lightly-Plagiarized Trivia
- The white-clothed woman in John Gast’s 1872 painting American Progress, a personification of the United States clutching a school book and telegraph wire while leading settlers across the prairie, commonly went by what name?
- What surname is shared by English novelist D.H. and British army officer T.E.?
- Rollo was the first and Henry I was the last monarch of what dynasty?
- What is the stage name of the fictional drag queen who sings “Pocket Full of Hawthornes,” the gay club anthem to Hawthorne Moist Towlettes in Season 3 of Community?
- What do all these answers have in common?
Anyway.
I am having lunch with WSR and a band of associated Minnesota miscreants today. (The other three are all Iowa fans, actually.
We in Minnesota really need to end our acceptance of refugee resettlement. I’m tired of all the wisconsin, Iowa, and various Dakotas people. Don’t you have the freedom to flourish in Iowa or all the meth you need in South Dakota?)
How States Try to Undermine Minnesota
wisconsin: Check Out This Asshole!
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Upon his election to the state’s governorship in 2011, one of the most important things this penis with a combover could possibly do was put tacky “Open for Business” signs up on all wisconsin’s otherwise quite fetching border signs.
Y’know, open to businesses like FoxConn.
Shortly after he defeated ALEC’s haunted hand-puppet, Gov. Tony Evers removed the “Open for Business” signs.
North Dakota: Plagiarizing wisconsin since 2013!
Mostly, North Dakota likes to advertise itself as “Be Legendary” or whatever. But sometimes, up along the Red River Valley, they like to pretend people are going to move to Fargo for the quality of life:
St. Paul Pioneer Press" />
It was nice of them to shape the billboard like North Dakota, at least.
Iowa: Just Trying to Buy Minnesota
Because they had free time after defunding their public schools, Iowa Republicans decided to “Make Minnesota Iowa Again,” offering to purchase the nine southern-most counties in Minnesota.
It’s tough when our state is just surrounded by the most obnoxious, lazy trolls. (Manitoba excepted.)
Speaking of…
South Dakota: Meth. We’re On It. (Or “It’s just business.”)
South Dakota, if you want to see ICE Barbie’s face" />
Every few years, there’s a South Dakota billboard or truck wrap or two: “Hey look, South Dakota’s a great tax haven!” Comforting is that the dumbest among us, when they ran—unsuccessfully, of course—for governor of our own state, have decided to parrot the good ol’ lazy lie.
Because it turns out that while they want the race-to-the-bottom tax rates of South Dakota, no one actually wants to live in a state where the biggest city can, at best, offer you an Applebee’s on every corner.
I’m starting to think their judgment may not be the best.
Or, y’know, their spelling.
Sioux Falls Argus Leader" />
Friday Night
Don’t Watch This
Columbia Lions at Dartmouth Fightin’ Keggies [5pm, ESPNU]
North Texas Mean Green (-26.5, O/U 61.5) at Charlotte 49ers [6pm, ESPN2]
Boise State Broncos (-21.5, O/U 50.5) at Nevada Wolf Pack [9pm, CBSSN]
{MLB} Los Angeles Dodgers at Toronto Blue Jays [7pm, FOX]
{VB} #12 wisconsin at Washington [9pm, BTN]
{Liga MX} Juarez vs. Puebla [8pm, Universo]
{Liga MX} Mazatlan vs. America [10pm, TUDN]
{A-League} Auckland vs. Western Sydney Wanderers [11pm, ESPN+]
Watch That
California Golden Bears at Virginia Tech Hokies
6:30pm | ESPN | VT -4.5 | O/U 50
#4 Montana Grizzlies at Sacramento State Hornets
9:30pm | ESPN2 | MT -7.5 | O/U 62.5
{VB} #20 Minnesota at #23 Indiana [5pm, BTN]
{MSOC} #14 Indiana at #4 Maryland [7pm, BTN]
What a renaissance the Hoosiers are having this fall, huh? Football team is unstoppable, volleyball team is Top 25, men’s soccer once again Top 25…
Shame it’s almost basketball season, huh?
One of the most irritating things for me in FCS football—yes, we are going to talk about multiple FCS football games in this particular edition of DWT;WT—is the seemingly Teflon nature of Montana Grizzlies football. You’ll watch them in a game where they’re seemingly ripe for an upset—they trailed moribund Idaho State in Pocatello for most of the game a month ago—and then things turn around and they get the win.
The Griz are elite under 15th-year HC Bobby Hauck, in his second go-round in Missoula. Mostly, if they’re going to lose, it’s going to be to North Dakota State or South Dakota State. Maybe Montana State. They’ve lost to one non-Top 10 team each season since Hauck returned in 2018, outside that first year back. QB Keali’i Ah Yat is already over 2,000 yards on the year, running back Eli Gillman has already won one Jerry Rice Award, and once they get you behind the sticks and behind on the scoreboard, you’re going to get manhandled by a defense seemingly half-comprised of long-haired dudes from the Northern Plains who likely spend their entire offseason wrangling bulls with their bare hands.
Sac State is coached by former UNLV OC wunderkind Brennan Marion, whose GoGo offense is racking up the rushing yards…but still struggles to throw the ball. Best of luck staying ahead of the sticks against the Griz, Hornets. But if you can, this could be fun.
Saturday Morning
Don’t Watch This
UCLA Bruins at #2 Indiana Hoosiers (-25.5, O/U 54.5) [11am, FOX]
Syracuse Orange at #7 Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets (-17.5, O/U 53.5) [11am, ESPN]
#8 Ole Miss Rebels at #13 Oklahoma Sooners (-5.5, O/U 54.5) [11am, ABC]
#16 Virginia Cavaliers (-10.5, O/U 51.5) at North Carolina Tar Heels [11am, ACCN]
Bowling Green Falcons (-7.5, O/U 48.5) at Kent State Golden Flashes [11am, ESPN+]
Kansas State Wildcats at Kansas Jayhawks (-3, O/U 56.5) [11am, TNT]
Appalachian State Mountaineers at Old Dominion Monarchs (-14.5, O/U 63) [11am, ESPNU]
Ohio Bobcats (-12.5, O/U 59.5) at Eastern Michigan Eagles [11am, CBSSN]
SMU Cocaineponies (-3.5, O/U 54.5) at Wake Forest Demon Deacons [11am, The CW]
#19 Presbyterian Blue Hose at Dayton Flyers [11am, YouTube]
Auburn Tigers at Arkansas Razorbacks (-1, O/U 57) [11:45am, SECN]
Akron Zips at Buffalo Bulls (-9.5, O/U 47.5) [12pm, ESPN+]
Watch That
#18 South Florida Brahman Bulls at Memphis Tigers
11am | ESPN2 | USF -5.5 | O/U 63.5
Rutgers Scarlet Knights at Purdue Boilermakers
11am | BTN | Rutgers -2.5 | O/U 58.5
Your B1G West Game of the Window 🤮
Northwestern Wildcats at Nebraska Cornhuskers
11am | FS1 | UNL -7 | O/U 43.5
There is just one profoundly uninteresting ranked-on-ranked game in this window, business-as-usual Ole Miss against boring-ass Oklahoma. Keep your powder dry for Mizzou-Vandy and just enjoy some good, old-fashioned Big Ten West—or RutPur—slop.
That, or take in a little South Florida-Memphis action. The shine’s off the Tigers after they lost last week to newly-Dilferless UAB, but while they’re now behind the 8-ball in the G5-to-CFP sweepstakes, they’re still well in the running for the AAC title at 2-1, behind 4-0 Navy and 3-0 USF and Tulane.
The Bulls, meanwhile, are the new front-runners
Saturday Afternoon
Don’t Watch This
#18 Illinois State Redbirds at #21 South Dakota Coyotes [1pm, ESPN+]
UConn Huskies (-10.5, O/U 48.5) at Rice Owls [2pm, ESPN+]
Utah State Aggies at New Mexico Lobos (-3, O/U 61.5) [2pm, MWN]
#11 BYU Cougars at Iowa State Cyclones (-2.5, O/U 48.5) [2:30pm, FOX]
#4 Alabama Crimson Tide (-12.5, O/U 47.5) at South Carolina Gamecocks [2:30pm, ABC]
#23 Illinois Fighting Illini at Washington Huskies (-4.5, O/U 54) [2:30pm, BTN]
Temple Owls (-6, O/U 53.5) at Tulsa Golden Hurricane [2:30pm, ESPN+]
NC State Wolfpack at Pittsburgh Panthers (-6.5, O/U 56.5) [2:30pm, ACCN]
Western Michigan Broncos at Miami Hydroxide RedHawks (-1.5, O/U 41.5) [2:30pm, ESPN+]
UL Monroe Warhawks at Southern Miss Golden Iggles (-11.5, O/U 50.5) [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Florida Atlantic Owls at Navy Midshipmen (-15.5, O/U 62.5) [2:30pm, CBSSN]
UMass Minutemen at Central Michigan Chippewas (-16.5, O/U 46.5) [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Oklahoma State Cowboys at #14 Texas Tech Red Raiders (-38.5, O/U 56.5) [3pm, ESPNU]
#22 Texas Longhorns (-7, O/U 45.5) at Mississippi State Bulldogs [3:15pm, SECN]
Watch That
#15 Missouri Tigers at #10 Vanderbilt Commodores
2:30pm | ESPN | Vanderbilt -2.5 | O/U 52.5
San Diego State Aztecs at Fresno State Bulldogs
2:30pm | FS1 | SDSU -3 | O/U 48.5
Toledo Rockets at Washington State Cougars
2:30pm | The CW | Wazzu -1.5 | O/U 46.5
Baylor Bears at #21 Cincinnati Bearcats
3pm | ESPN2 | Cincy -4.5 | O/U 67.5
Corn, Bronze Edition
Balls Tate Robotbirds at Northern Illinois Huskies
2:30pm | ESPN+ | NIU -5.5 | O/U 41.5 | Battle for the Bronze Stalk
Corn, -Fed Pig Edition
Your B1G West Game of the Window 🤮
Minnesota Golden Gophers at Iowa Hawkeyes
2:30pm | CBS | Iowa -8.5 | O/U 39
There’s lots of room for stupidity, is all I’m saying.
RIP, though, to the Bronze Stalk Trophy—as Northern Illinois is moving to the Mountain West Conference for…reasons…in 2026, it appears the Balls Tate rivalry will go dormant.
It’s a damn shame: after the Huskies ripped off ten straight during the Jerry Kill, Dave Doeren, and Rod Carey eras, the Robotbirds fought back under, uh…Mike Neu?…and won five of the last six. Amusingly, though, they’ve never won by more than 7 points—and in the year the Thomas Hammock-led Huskies won, they only won by 1 and played a double overtime thriller, too.
San Diego State-Fresno State should be halfway decent, and it’s an elimination game for the 5-1 (2-0 MWC) Aztecs—while they’ve lost to Wazzu, they’ve beaten Cal and get Boise State at home.
I know, you’re watching PIG PIG PIG PIG PIG, but you deserve to know you have options.
Saturday Evening
Don’t Watch This
TCU Horned Frogs (-15.5, O/U 55.5) at West Virginia Mountaineers [5pm, ESPN+]
wisconsin badgers at #6 Oregon Ducks (-33.5, O/U 44.5) [6pm, FS1]
Stanford Cardinal at #9 Miami Fluoride Hurricanes (-30, O/U 45.5) [6pm, ESPN]
Louisiana Ragin’ Cajuns at Troy Trojans (-9.5, O/U 47.5) [6pm, ESPN+]
Georgia Southern Eagles at Arkansas State Red Wolves (-1.5, O/U 62.5) [6pm, ESPN+]
#3 Texas A&M Aggies (-2.5, O/U 47.5) at #20 LSU Tigers [6:30pm, ABC]
Boston College Eagles at #19 Lhvl Crdnls (-25.5, O/U 55.5) [6:30pm, ACCN]
#25 Michigan Wolverines (-14.5, O/U 48) at Michigan State Spartans [6:30pm, NBC]
#17 Tennessee Volunteers (-9.5, O/U 54.5) at Kentucky Wildcats [6:45pm, SECN]
Houston Cougars at #24 Arizona State Sun Devils (-7.5, O/U 46.5) [7pm, ESPN2]
{VB} Michigan State at #1 Nebraska [7:30pm, BTN]
BRONZE BOOT
Colorado State Rams at Wyoming Cowboys
6:30pm | CBSSN | Wyoming -5.5 | O/U 46.5
DAKOTA MARKER
#1 North Dakota State School for People Who Plan to Move to Minneapolis Because That’s Where The Jobs Are, But They’re Really Scared of It* at #2 South Dakota State “It’s Fine, I Like That Sioux Falls Has 5 Applebees”
*Formerly known as the “I hate socialisms, but we have a State-owned Bank, so really I just dislike other people having things”
7pm | ESPNU
We know that, right? For all the SoCiALiSmS of New York City candidates floating city-run grocery stores in food deserts, the state of North Dakota has a state-owned bank and a state-owned grain mill?
Anyway. Moving on.
It’s late and I’m drunk…
Don’t Watch This
{VB} Maryland Terrapins at #25 UCLA Bruins [9:30pm, BTN]
{A-League} Wellington Phoenix vs. Brisbane Roar [9pm, ESPN+]
{Liga MX} Cruz Azul vs. Monterrey [10:05pm, CBSSN/TUDN]
{Liga MX} Chivas vs. Atlas [10:07pm, Telemundo]
…I guess?
Colorado Buffaloes at Utah Utes
9:15pm | ESPN | Utah -13.5 | O/U 49.5
the World Series, if it’s still good
Los Angeles Dodgers at Toronto Blue Jays [7pm, FOX]
This is…it?
Well.
Answer the trivia questions at the top of the article and move on with your lives.
Oh, right. I forgot to share the menu with you. Here it is. Suggestions welcome.
Enjoy the games, everyone.
