Previous Result
See our list of all previous winners.
Hank Sr. and “Jambalaya” held on to a slim but consistent lead, holding off a challenge from Ernie K-Doe’s “Mother in Law.” (If the letter “O” was for “One Hit Wonders,” I’m pretty sure “Mother in Law” would’ve been a strong contender there too. Should there be a “one hit wonder” contest? Opine below.)
In contrast, Missouri jumped out to an enormous lead, enough to hold off a late surge from (checks notes) Moldova. Mali also had two protest votes and finished a distant
third. Is Mali full of Libertarians? Did I vote for Mali? We’ll have answers to none of these questions.
Should we get going with the Show Me State? What do you think, Norm Stewart?
I agree, my good man! Let’s show ourselves some songs!
The Songs
1.) Scott Joplin – Pineapple Rag
Starting off in 1908? Yes indeed! Joplin lapsed into obscurity for decades, before The Sting’s soundtrack led to a revival in the 70s. He’s obviously better known these days for “The Entertainer” thanks to that film. “Maple Leaf Rag” was actually the big hit in his lifetime, and the song with actual Missouri ties: the Maple Leaf Club was located in Sedalia.
But we’re going with the Pineapple Rag here for a few reasons. It’s from later in Joplin’s career, and his composing abilities kept improving. More importantly, we get to hear Tom Brier absolutely lighting a 1920s honky-tonk piano on fire.
For those not familiar with Tom Brier and his admittedly impressive neckbeard, he’s the guy who got handed a copy of the Super Mario World ending theme without ever having heard the song, and then managed to knock this out while sight reading the sheet music:
2.) Chuck Berry – Johnny B. Goode
Honest to God, I don’t know what you want me to say here, so I’m just going to babble on. It’s friggin’ Chuck Berry and Johnny B. Goode. His cousin Marvin was working the Entrapment on the Moon dance, called him up, and altered the course of music history.
I’m being handed a note by Pinman saying it was the Enchantment Under the Sea dance instead. Boo.
I truly, genuinely don’t think we appreciate exactly how dangerous Chuck Berry’s music was to Middle America, and not just because of the whole racial aspect. As best I can tell, in 1954 the music industry was catering entirely to adults who still wanted aggressively polite, heavily sedated comfort food in the aftermath of World War II and Korea. There was no such thing as “youth culture” music on the mainstream charts.
Do you know what was the #1 song in 1954? Well neither did I, but here’s Kitty Kallen with “Little Things Mean a Lot”:
And here’s your #2 song from the same year. Please welcome Perry Como (nooooooo) with “Wanted”!
Imagine jamming out to this at the local sock hop or malt shop or wherever the hell teenagers went in 1954. I mean, you can’t. It’s ludicrous.
Chuck Berry wandered into the midst of THAT in 1955 and said “lol, what if we bludgeon everyone over the head with a guitar and sing about drag racing against a Cadillac in a thunderstorm?”
3.) Ozark Mountain Daredevils – Jackie Blue
Look, I know that “If You Want to Get to Heaven” is what most people would’ve picked. They are objectively wrong.
I’m not even sure what you’d call this, but let’s go with psychedelic blue-eyed soul. Is that a thing? Did the Righteous Brothers do anything psychedelic? Well they should have.
Larry Lee’s original lyrics were, no kidding, about the throes of drug addiction. Thankfully everyone’s common sense quickly prevailed and they changed the subject matter to a socially withdrawn lady instead. Good call, everyone. Although I suppose the psychedelic part might have fit with the former too. We’ll never know.
And then the Montreal Gazette criticized the song as “an outrageous knockoff of Fleetwood Mac’s sound, down to the female lead.” I don’t know if they were deaf, brain damaged, or perhaps merely bewildered by the concept of falsetto. I hope they never got their hands on a Frankie Valli album, lest they crap right in the middle of their poutine. They’re probably in the same group who goes “hurr durr, ELO sounds like the Beatles,” because apparently every band from the UK sounds like the Beatles.
4.) Nelly – Country Grammar
And now our work-friendly entry in the contest! No really, it’s the edited version that was actually played on radios, back when terrestrial radio was a thing. It’s his YouTube channel and it’s his choice, so I’m respecting it.
This is easily the most definitively Missouri song on the list. Or at least definitively St. Louis, but you know what I mean.
Credit to him for wearing jerseys of the Cardinals, Blues, and Rams (good times!) throughout the video. A shame he couldn’t find an old Spirits of St. Louis ABA jersey to throw in there and round it out. Not sure why the one guy is wearing a Jamal Anderson Falcons jersey at 1:45, but God love him for doing so. (Fun fact: I mow the yard in a worn out Jamal Anderson jersey. Absolutely no one reading this could possibly care.)
5.) Chappell Roan – Good Luck Babe!
Every single time we enter a 2020s song, it gets zero votes. And we’ve basically learned that, but to be fair a good portion of those songs really have been terrible. But not this!
This has 2.1 billion streams on Spotify, but let’s ignore that and look at that video. LOOK AT IT. This is her official lyric video, on her official YouTube channel, and it looks like a confused 1998 5th grader on GeoCities has decided graphic design is their passion. We’re just going to baffle everyone into thinking it’s from the 20th Century.
I think we’re finally going to do it, you guys! We’re finally going to get a 2020s song a vote this time! (And if we don’t, perhaps we’ll threaten to run “All Time All World Best Song Competition: 2020s Teen Girl Squad Edition.” But probably not.)
Honorable Mention
Sheryl Crow – All I Wanna Do
Someone had to get left out, and your primary chronological competitor went all out to say “look at St. Louis I am, and also here’s a Jamal Anderson jersey” while you’re singing about Los Angeles. Should’ve embraced your roots.
Vote in the Polls
Let’s run this through…let’s say Tuesday.
Up Next: The Letter N
Go ahead and vote, but I HAZ AN IDEA for a bonus article and it’s a stupid one. (No, not the 2020s Teen Girl Squad thing I threatened above.)
But in the meantime, maybe someone else will get excited about whatever wins here and run with it.
