Looking for any feint or diversion to avoid discussing last week’s picks and disappointing results, let’s play a game.
How about a pop culture quiz, asks he who has dubbed himself the Culture Maven?
If you’re
of the generation that lived “Electrical banana/ Going to be the very next craze,” like me for instance, can you guess the current au courant social media trend?
Let’s make it really in interesting. Like what is it in Germany?
Yo, yo, yo, I know the answer.
“Pudding mit Gabel.”
True. I read about this morning actually, at an honest to Aunt Ruth respected news website.
Pudding with a fork. As in eating pudding with a fork. Recently over a thousand people gathered in a Deutschland park to do just that.
I shall not point a finger. My parents were of the generation that ate goldfish. Some friends and I tried to smoke a banana peel once. Obviously it wasn’t the first thing we smoked that evening.
Plus we tried to see how many of us could stuff a VW, which along with phone booth stuffing was a thing for a nanosecond back in the day.
Tell me about it, the kid’s rolling here.
How about this spicy between songs soundbite I heard on Little Steven’s Underground Garage the other day. Still has me smiling?
Saucy young female voice: “A girl with an ass like mine doesn’t hang with a guy and a face like yours.”
Hold your applause.
Gotta eventually get around to football, right?
Have you heard about the tune “Wood” on Taylor Swift’s new album?
With this not so cryptic line, “Redwood Tree/ It ain’t hard to see/ His love was the key/ That opened my thighs.”
Oooooooookay then.
Wonder whether a big part of the underwhelming 2-3 start for the Kansas City Chiefs can be traced to Travis Kelsey being drained of his precious bodily fluids?
Gen. Jack D. Ripper understands the danger.
Mic Drop.
OK, I’ll get to it. Cannot hold off the inevitable reckoning any longer. I can sense my arch antagonist Bookstore sharpening his blade like Bash Steed in a secret room at the Arconia.
It was not the worst — like going 1-4 two weeks ago — but far from up to my lofty standards.
U of L — whom I rarely pick against — put its mediocrity on display against UVa. Iowa State got Satterfielded in the Queen City. Clemson, Georgia and Miami prevailed as prognosticated. In my defense, I always pick UK’s games, and the Hurricanes were far from a gimme in Tallahassee.
3-2 for the weekend. 24-15 for the season. Meh.
Get back time.
This weekend’s winners:
Massachusetts @ Kent State. Only those wise enough to cherish Ryan McGee’s weekly Bottom Ten column at ESPN will understand why this one’s considered here. Because it is an officially designated PFOYWOYYOTCMB. Pillow Fight Of The Week Of The Year Of The Century Mega Bowl. B10 perennials The Golden Flashes in the Pan (a/k/a State of Kent a/k/a Kent State) are hosting UMess (a/k/a UMass) in what we are all sure shall be an epic struggle. The Golden Flashes (B10 #4) broke their 21 game losing streak with a win over lower division Merrimack in their opener. They’ve dropped the next four since against somewhat stiffer competition. The Minutemen (B10 #3) stand 0fer 5 this year after going 7-45 during the previous five campaigns. Like I’ve already opined, Epic is the word that immediately comes to mind. Based on the fact that State is playing at home, they’ve already defeated one school from The Bay State whose name begins with M, I’m going Golden Flash.
UCLA @ Michigan State. There are several reasons why I’m weighing in on this relatively inconsequential matchup. One, UCLA right. They’re the talk of college football. Plus I’m fascinated by that Neuheisel kid calling plays. So blonde. So Cali. Did he suffer from same malaise as that KC TE when matriculating in Westwood? Gotta think so. Then there are the Spartans from my birth state. A team I loved in my youth. Biggie Munn. Clarence Peaks. My cousin Joanie’s alma mater. The other day at the grocery, a woman gave me a shoutout while I was wearing a Lions shirt on game day. She was reared in Michigan, still has a strong accent. We mentioned the Tigers, and she invoked the Spartans. Just don’t see how the Bruins can settle after last weekend, especially on a trip time zones east and wakeup call kickoff. State.
Oklahoma vs. Texas. This one on the other hand matters. Red River Rivalry. 121st edition dating back to 1900. Were they even states then? Neutral site. At least as much as Dallas during the state fair can be neutral. Half the stands red, half burnt orange. Big stakes. Can seriously disappointing Texas get untracked, bounce back from last week’s meltdown in Gainesville? While the Sooner Schooner has been rolling along, 5-0. Has Brent Venables squad finally turned the corner, living up to the hopes in Norman? Were we really that wrong about Arch, or is it his OL, or does it really matter which? Can Sark right the ship midseason? Don’t talk much about spreads here, but surprised the Longhorns are double digit faves. If Okie QB John Mateer wasn’t doubtful, recovering from hand surgery, I’d go with OU. But he is. Longhorns.
Air Force @ UNLV. Take a look at who has an unblemished slate. Former B10 regulars UNLV. Dan Mullen seems to have kept things going in Sin City. Ws at Wyoming and over those aforementioned Bruins impress. Air Force. Is. Not. So. Good. So, why am I picking this game. Well, to be frank, a guy with my reputation as a pigskin seer with a record like I have so far this season is looking for a gimme. Truth. Let’s hope it don’t kick me in the arse. Runnin’ Rebs.
Indiana @ Oregon. No U of L game. No UK game. Gotta serve the locals. The Hoosiers have fashioned two truly impressive Ws in a row. 69-3 over the Illini in Bloomington. And that last minute comeback at Iowa. That’s gettin’ ‘er done. The Quack blotted out the White Out in State College. Their one significant W of the campaign. Both schools had last weekend off. Any of you all who read me regularly know, I love me some Cignetti. And oh my how I truly want to believe that IU can carry the day in Eugene. But, but, but, while Indiana is obviously upticking, Phil Knight U. is already there. The game is in Autzen, a tough atmosphere for any visitor. Ducks.
— c d kaplan
