12 lists of 12 for the 2025 football season

In less than 36 hours, the sixth edition of a Lane Kiffin-led Ole Miss team will begin its quest to make sure everyone has more fun than misery.

The previous five versions achieved that objective, and two of them (2021 and 2023) produced historic win totals for the program. Even the three teams (2020, 2022, and 2024) that didn’t write their names in the ledgers of program history produced moments of joy and evidence the days of season-wrecking internal incompetence were a thing of the past.

Since Kiffin’s

arrival, he’s shown what can happen at Ole Miss when competent professionals have the keys instead of clownish hucksters, unqualified good Rebels, and lazy bums. It’s been a period of high-level sustained success most of us haven’t seen in our lifetimes.

Obviously, there have been disappointments, wailing, and gnashing of teeth since 2020, but Kiffin has raised the floor and ceiling for Ole Miss football. The floor is now at a level that eight wins, once a perfectly acceptable outcome, is going to enrage some people to the point they ask what Hugh Freeze’s Auburn buyout is.

The new ceiling, assuming personnel pieces fall into place, is to be one of the last four teams standing in college football. That also assumes a competent run game exists, and Ole Miss is not trying to win every game while scoring less than 28 points.

0 out of 5! Would not recommend!

Whatever happens this season, I know it won’t be a miserable experience because the coach forgot to recruit defensive players for three years, didn’t sign a quarterback anyone else wanted, or was a dinosaur cashing checks.

Games ranked based on lowest levels of stress

1. The Citadel
2. Georgia State
3. Arkansas
4. Washington State
5. Kentucky
6. Georgia
7. Tulane
8. Mississippi State
9. Oklahoma
10. South Carolina
11. Florida
12. LSU

A few things here:

• Washington State is two weeks after LSU and the week before Georgia
• Kentucky, though still producing PTSD among Ole Miss fans, will be butt dot com
• The Georgia game is playing with house money
• Tulane will have some spice, but more importantly, the game is the week prior to LSU, which reeks of a look-ahead spot
• The Egg Bowl, which should never be close under Kiffin, will be close because he gets outrageously conservative against bad conference teams
• The Oklahoma, South Carolina, Florida, and LSU games are all games in which Ole Miss will be favored (-7 or less) or small underdogs (+3 or less) and will determine whether the Rebels are a playoff team or of the 8-4 variety

The ideal 12-game schedule

1. Bye week
2. Bye week
3. Bye week
4. Bye week
5. Bye week
6. Bye week
7. Bye week
8. Bye week
9. Bye week
10. Bye week
11. Bye week
12. Bye week

Think of how refreshed and relaxed we would all be. ALAS.

Most Old Testament-like names on the roster

• Izaiah Hartrup
• Shawqi Itraish
• Macaleb Taylor
• Micah Stallworth
• Isreal Solomon
• Talib Graham
• Jude Foster
• Samari Reed
• Levi Blount
• Caleb James
• Caleb Cunningham
• Tahj Chambers

Most exotic hometowns of players on the roster

• Kapolei, Hawaii (De’Zhaun Stribling)
• Pukalani, Hawaii (Kapena Gushiken)
• Sydney, Australia (Oscar Bird)
• Montreal, Canada (Shekai Mills-Knight)
• Raleigh, Mississippi (Suntarine Perkins)
• Grand Rapids, Michigan (Trinidad Chambliss)
• Miami, Florida (Austin Simmons)
• Tunica, Mississippi (Jarcoby Hopson/Mac Owen)
• Sallis, Mississippi (Percy Lewis)
• Bixby, Oklahoma (Luke Hasz)
• Lake Cormorant, Mississippi (Kam Franklin)
• Ohatchee, Alabama (Domonique Thomas)

Kickoff times better than pre-noon or at noon

• 12:01 PM
• 12:02 PM
• 12:o3 PM
• 12:o4 PM
• 12:05 PM
• 12:06 PM
• 12:07 PM
• 12:08 PM
• 12:09 PM
• 12:10 PM
• 12:11 PM
• 12:12 PM

Ole Miss is scheduled for 3 such games, and the Arkansas and Tulane games are looking ripe for grotesque kickoff times.

Songs we need to hear in Vaught-Hemingway Stadium

I don’t care when they get played, just give the people what they want.

• Pony – Ginuwine
• Always Be My Baby – Mariah Carey
• Return of the Mack – Mark Morrison
• No Diggity – Blackstreet
• Alone – Heart
• Hold On – Wilson Phillips
• I’d Do Anything for Love – Meat Loaf
• Wrecking Ball – Miley Cyrus
• Anything by Run the Jewels
• Jolene – Dolly Parton
• Goin’ Down South – North Mississippi Allstars
• Going Down – Freddie King

The people want to sing and dance, so let them sing and dance! 90s R&B, power ballads, pop, classics, and blues! The works!

Songs we do not need to hear in Vaught-Hemingway Stadium

• Whites – Morgan Wallen
• Let Me Say It – Morgan Wallen
• Them – Morgan Wallen
• ICE Power – Morgan Wallen
• White Label Whiskey – Morgan Wallen
• 1861 – Morgan Wallen
• Rights Are for States – Morgan Wallen
• Lost Cause – Morgan Wallen
• Don’t Take My Statues – Morgan Wallen
• My Pointy Hood – Morgan Wallen
• Our Own Schools – Morgan Wallen
• Civil Wrongs – Morgan Wallen

Mississippi towns that can hear Glen Waddle’s voice on Saturdays because Ole Miss won’t turn down his PA mic

Why they won’t turn down his mic volume level is forever a mystery, as well as why they don’t tell him to stop doing play by play after every play. Especially when said play-by-play details are wrong 75 percent of the time.

We love when he’s correcting himself that the ball is actually at the 24 and not the the 31 as Ole Miss is trying to snap the ball. STOP THE MADNESS, KEITH CARTER.

• Sardis
• Pontotoc
• Water Valley
• Abbeville
• Taylor
• New Albany
• Coffeeville
• Oakland
• Batesville
• Tillatoba
• Como
• Yocona

Weather at kickoff power ratings

Granted, we don’t know all the kickoff times yet, but we can lean into the dates and locations.

1. at Georgia, Oct. 18th
2. vs. South Carolina, Nov. 1st
3. vs. The Citadel, Nov. 8th
4. vs. Washington State, Oct. 11th
5. at Oklahoma, Oct. 25th
6. vs. LSU, Sept. 27th
7. vs. Florida, Nov. 15th
8. vs. Georgia State, Aug. 30th
9. at Kentucky, Sept. 6th
10. vs. Arkansas, Sept. 13th
11. vs. Tulane, Sept. 20th
12. at Mississippi State, Nov. 28th

The Egg Bowl is even being played at 11 AM this year, but it matters not. It will be one of the following:

• Cold
• Cold with an unmerciful windchill
• Cold and misty
• Cold and light rain
• Cold and pouring rain
• Literally freezing
• Literally freezing and an unmerciful windchill
• Literally freezing with snow, sleet, and other wintry mix trash

12 concerns on offense

• Center
• Left guard
• Right guard
• Right tackle
• Left tackle
• New run schemes
• Is Austin Simmons the guy from “the drive” against Georgia or was that a heater of heaters?
• Needing to hit on almost every transfer receiver
• The five players behind the starting offensive line
• Tight end depth
• Running back performance
• Repairing an offense that was broken at key points in 2024

A delicious twist from the Sports Gods in 2024 is that Ole Miss didn’t make the playoff because of offensive failures rather than defensive incompetence.

12 concerns on defense

• Boundary corner
• Field corner
• Nickel
• Safety
• Safety
• People backing up each of these spots
• Linebackers not named TJ Dottery
• Returning defensive linemen who are talented but have never been THE guys
• Transfer edge rushers with talent but have never produced volume
• Did I mention the secondary already?
• We could probably do all 12 concerns about the secondary
• I am concerned with how concerned I am about the secondary

Wins and losses

Let’s make some irresponsible choices after listing 24 concerns.

Wins

• Georgia State
• Kentucky
• Arkansas
• Tulane
• LSU
• Washington State
• South Carolina
• The Citadel
• Florida
• Mississippi State

Losses

• Georgia
• Oklahoma

In the name of transparency, I threw Oklahoma on the losses list because I knew how delusional 11-1 would look. I mean, 10-2 is barely tethered to reality, BUT outside of Georgia, none of these games are super scary!

It’s possible the offensive line is a repeat of last year and the secondary is worse, but the schedule in SEC play is much easier in terms of road games. If Simmons is in the neighborhood of 2023 Jaxson Dart, and Pete Golding is right in that there won’t be a major drop off in Ole Miss’ defensive front, those two things can cover up a lot of deficiencies.

I’ve said it in this space before, but the 2025 team could be inferior to the 2024 team and still have a better record. I invite everyone to remind me of this when an 8-4 season comes down to winning the Egg Bowl.