Fat Bear Week – a tradition unlike any other – has arrived, just in time to raise the spirits of Americans plague by high grocery prices and the exorbitant cost of beef.
I’m not sure why I mentioned beef there. It’s just that it’s really expensive right now, hitting $7.16 a pound in August. And we’ve apparently got these fat bears that aren’t doing much and …
You know what, never mind.
This year marks the 12th time that the Katmai National Park and Preserve in Alaska has hosted its chunky bear competition, a wildly popular online contest to pick which brown bear does the best job fattening itself up before hibernating.
Gee, those Fat Bear Week bears look delicious
Park Superintendent Mark Sturm said in a statement: “A new generation of fat bears is taking shape, and they’re off to a strong
start. We’re excited to watch them grow and learn as they prepare for winter in Katmai’s incredible ecosystem.”
Yes, I too am excited to watch them grow and learn. To watch them feast on salmon as they get larger and their bear meat becomes more marbled and succulent and …
Sorry. I am in no way suggesting Americans who can’t afford hamburgers should be thinking about eating fat bears, some of which can grow to a buffet-filling 1,400 pounds. (Although that is a lot of bear burgers.)
I definitely do not think we should combat high beef prices by eating bears
And it is with no specific goal in mind that I highlight this quote from a piece published in May on WebMD: “If you’re avoiding extra saturated fat in your diet, bear meat is a good choice. Compared to beef, which contains up to 20.7% fat in a package marked ‘lean,’ bear meat contains 20.1% protein and only 8.3% fat.”
To be clear, I didn’t write that, nor am I suggesting we turn one of America’s most-beloved annual animal-related events into some kind of "Hunger Games"-like competition in which the winning fat bear returns to its Alaskan ecosystem and the others wind up on grocery store shelves.
The threat of being eaten could make Fat Bear Week more exciting
Although, if we care about the true spirit of competition and entertainment, a loser-gets-eaten format might provide the other bears with motivation to up their games, thus making Fat Bear Week more enjoyable. The more we humans enjoy Fat Bear Week, the more we would care about bears, right?
I mean, yes, we would eat some of them, but our overall caring about the less tasty bears would surely be enhanced. It sounds, theoretically, like an overall win for the bears. Most of them anyway.
Not that I think it’s a good idea. I do not.
I have not been eyeballing Chunk, the reigning Fat Bear Week champion, and imagining the savoriness of his flank meat. No, that would be uncouth.
Trump imports mystery beef as MAGA promotes ... veggie burgers?
Although – and I’m just throwing thoughts out here for no particular reason – the Trump administration did recently announce a plan to import 300,000 metric tons of mystery beef from Brazil and Argentina, so who knows what the heck we’re eating these days.
And MAGA influencers and administration officials have been trying to tell us everything’s fine, either by claiming Americans are “good with” high beef prices or suggesting we eat veggie burgers.
MAGA commentator Bill Mitchell recently posted on X: “With regards to beef prices, have you ever tried a veggie burger? They're actually really good.”
Did a fat bear write that, Bill?
Look, if you broadcast big, tasty bears, what do you think will happen?
My point here is I absolutely reject the idea of making Fat Bear Week more of a national dining experience, but I accept the fact that someone has to ask the tough questions.
And that someone, I guess, is me.
Don’t worry, it’s probably just the hunger talking. That’s what I get for watching a fat bear live cam for five straight hours.
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk.
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Am I proposing we eat the Fat Bear Week bears? Not exactly. | Opinion
