Mom, go get a life.
As a parent, you’ve probably heard these words before, especially if your son or daughter is a teenager. These came from New York Giants outside linebacker Brian Burns, who is 28.
"I moved where Brian moves," says his mother, Angela. She laughs.
"So since he's been in the league, Mama's been right there, living with him, right there supporting him," Angela says. "He has a major support team. The entire family, we support him."
Brian has told her over the years she has a distinctive voice that he hears at games above those of everyone else. But at the same time he looks for her in the stands, even today. She is almost always there.
"Brian is a mama's boy," she says. "So with the pads on or with the pads off, he's a mama's boy.
So our relationship is very, very close."
It’s a balance we all face as our kids get older: When do we hold on, when do we let go? They need our reassuring presence and words, yet they need to be independent to forge their own journeys.
But we need to be at the ready when they want us.
"He's just my best buddy," Elisha Jarrett says of her son, Chicago Bears defensive lineman Grady Jarrett. "We talk every day. There’s not a day on this earth that we've not talked. I tried not to mess with them too much on his honeymoon, but we still talked every day. I think there was maybe one day that we just texted."
Jarrett and Burns, along with Katie DeJean, mother of Eagles Pro Bowl defensive back Cooper DeJean, are part of a "Protect the Moment" campaign for Always Discreet products. It’s a surprisingly candid look at women over 45 who are sports fans, and also moms.
"I've had multiple experiences myself with bladder leaks," Katie DeJean says. "For instance, when Cooper was in college at Iowa, he played at Rutgers, got his first interception, scored a touchdown. I think that was my first, ‘Oh no’ moment."
The campaign speaks to the ideal of never missing an important moment in our kids’ lives, even as we age. The three women spoke with USA TODAY Sports about the campaign and how they have had to recognize their our own limitations and vulnerabilities as their now famous sons have gotten older.
How can we grow and adjust with our kids and their careers – in and out of sports – as they get older?
'You can stop babysitting me': Find fulfillment in what you do as your athletes grow up
As parents, we need to learn to embrace change in our kids and in ourselves. It might be a changing body, hair loss or simply not being able to reach your son or daughter while long-tossing a baseball or softball.
Elisha Jarrett, Angela Burns and Katie DeJean have brought out an issue that can be a lot more uncomfortable.
Sixty percent of women who are 45 and older experience bladder leaks, according to the International Urogynecology Journal, and they can come at the most inopportune moments, such as sporting events.
"I wanted to join the campaign just to let other women feel confident and be supportive and know that it's OK to talk about that kind of thing," DeJean says.
"It was horror stories that we were sharing and we don't have to go through that anymore," says Burns, who also attends her grandchildren’s events. "All three of us felt very good about the campaign and spreading the word because a lot of women (are) getting up running and not being there for the moment. …
"When I'm at a game, I'm there sometimes from 10 o'clock that morning to 11 o'clock at night. So I have to feel completely protected. So I’d wear big clothes, oversized jackets, all that type of stuff. I don't have to do that anymore because I wear what I wanna wear, and that's that."
Part of being a sports parent is maintaining our own identities, a point Julie Lythcott-Haims strikes in her book, "How to Raise an Adult." As our children grow and mature and begin to carve out their own identities, Lythcott-Haims writes, we can seek fresh opportunities for ourselves. Perhaps we set new career goals or take on more projects that give us fulfillment outside of our kids’ achievements.
Eventually, your kids might tell you themselves to find something else to do away from them, no matter how old they are.
"This is going to be my first time not living with Brian this coming season," Angela Burns says. "He said, ‘I need you to go and get you a life. You can stop babysitting me.’ "
Her son is in his eighth NFL season. As he has risen to success, Angela has found productive work to do with the Burns family foundations, including a dog rescue, a big brothers program and an organization dedicated to autism awareness.
"It's cute," she says of her son’s statement, "but I'm OK. I'm still active. I still do a whole lot. My life is full. I'm full."
'Be present' in your kids' lives while helping them become more independent as they get older
A difficult part of parenting can be letting our kids be and trusting the work we have already put into their development.
"I don't know that our relationship has actually changed due to him becoming a professional athlete," Elisha Jarrett says of Grady, who is playing in his 12th NFL season. "It changed because he's a man. We're super close. We've always been super close. I call him the beat in my heart, and I've always called him that.
"I appreciate what he does on the field. But I am enamored with the man that he has become, the father that he is, the husband that he is, the leader that he is, the community leader that he is."
She sees him, at least in part, as a product of the discipline she established with Grady, 33, and his sisters Kamilya, 37, and Ashema, 26.
"I'll be very honest with you," Elisha Jarrett says. "I think children today have way too many areas of gray where they can go and do or not do. That wasn't an option in our house."
Her three children didn’t have a choice whether or not they were going to play a sport, only which sports they would play. Grady started football at four. Five was the first year of eligibility in the program but because he was so big, the coaches gave his mom no pushback.
Neither did her kids with playing sports because sports were just a part of their lives. The key, Elisha Jarrett says, was she gave them options.
"They pick whatever option they want to pick, but there's not a ‘No,’ option," says Jarrett, who has a podcast known as "Inside The Shield With Pro-Football Moms". "Talking to so many moms, there are some that (say) she just doesn't want to do anything, or he just didn't want to do anything. Well, it's up to the parent to say not doing anything is not an option. So go get into chess or pickleball or a honor’s society, but you're going to do something and you're going to be consistent and you're going to stick with it. We can revamp, but quitting just wasn't an option. And you didn't have to be the best person on the team, but you had to give it your best.
"I was very intentional in doing that because I came from a very different background. I didn't have anybody in the stands for me. And I was that kid getting a ride home or walking home. And I didn't know how I was gonna do it when I had my children, but I knew that I wanted something different. I've never missed a game, home or away. I served as booster club president for my daughter for four years, booster club president for Grady for four years in high school. And so I think the biggest thing is I showed up."
So have Angela Burns and Katie DeJean for their kids.
"You have to be present in their lives," Burns says. "You have to know what they're doing. And I don't care if they get upset with you, you have to know what these kids are doing so that you can guide them properly."
As parents, we transition from coach to advisor (and friend)
Burns’ older son, Stanley McClover, played defensive end in the NFL for three seasons. Stanley is 13 years older than Brian, and Angela says he nurtured his brother through his position but also to how to go against "big boys."
Angela pinpoints her "Are you serious?" moment with Brian about his NFL prospects to his junior year at Florida State. She heard talk of him getting drafted in the first round, and he was taken 16th overall by the Panthers, Stanley’s former team.
"I'm like, that kid?" Angela says. "They're talking about Brian Burns? So to me, even though he played on the field and he was good, I still saw Brian. The only time it really hits me that Brian plays NFL ball is at the game. Other than that, he's just Brian to me. He’s just B.J. to me."
He went to Florida State from American Heritage High in Plantation, Florida, and she remembers crying all the way home after dropping him off.
"It's my baby," she says, "but once I got back home, I wound up in the hospital for two days, and I was diagnosed with separation anxiety. This is something that's common, from what I'm told, if your last child is leaving the nest. So it's like it was easier for my other two. (Brian also has a sister, Britashia.)
"I would say to all the parents, start preparing yourself early when you know that they are going to college," Angela says.
You can begin, Elisha Jarrett says, by starting to let go when you see they are becoming more independent. She saw the self-motivation in Grady when he found a separate trainer.
He would drive there after high school practice and work out for another 1 ½ to 2 hours.
"He did that on his own, and he did that consistently throughout his high school career," she says.
When Grady went to play for Clemson, she drove the two-plus hours from her home in Georgia once a week to see him. Head coach Dabo Swinney allowed her to come to practice on Wednesdays, which she said was family day. They also spoke at 5:30 every morning via phone.
"Is it gonna be hard to let them spread their wings?" she says. "Absolutely, but give them space to spread their wings. I hear some (parents) say, ‘Well, I'm gonna give them some space and I'm not gonna call.’ You don't have to bombard, but don't change anything that you're doing. If you text every day, still send that text with the expectation that you might not get a text right back and don't let that hurt your feelings.
"Remain who you are, keep your traditions, and most of all, just be a support. I had to learn, too, to not have an opinion on everything that we were talking about, and sometimes just listen, because what I found is that when they want our opinion, they come back and they’ll say, ’Well, mom, what do you think I should do about this?’ And so as a parent with a kid going to college, you have to learn to decipher when they just want you to listen and when you need to offer an opinion.
"Instead of me being his coach, I become his advisor. And sometimes I'm just a listener. And then I'll have to say, 'Do you want me to respond to that or you just want me to listen?' ”
Comfort levels for parents differ. DeJean says she reaches out to Cooper knowing it might take him a few days to respond: "That's usually how he operates with his busy schedule."
But she tries to be there to watch him every Sunday. On Fridays, she watches her son, Jaxx, play high school football in Iowa. And, like Elisha Jarrett and Angela Burns, she is embracing what is in front of her in life as her children grow up and leave home.
"You can't be there on a daily basis, obviously, but for game days, when it matters most and you want to be there to support them and be in the moment, that's when we're able to be there," DeJean says.
Steve Borelli, aka Coach Steve, has been an editor and writer with USA TODAY since 1999. He played baseball in high school, rowed in college and spent 10 years coaching his two sons’ baseball and basketball teams. He and his wife, Colleen, are now sports parents to a college and high school baseball player. For his past columns, click here.
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: NFL moms have candid take on getting older, raising their athletes
