Have you ever told a first date more about your toxic ex than they probably wanted to know?
You may be floodlighting. It's a dating trend when someone shares too much, too soon in a romantic setting, falsely creating the illusion of intimacy with a partner.
The term was coined by Brené Brown, author of "The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings of Authenticity, Connections and Courage," who explains it as when a switch is turned on and all the light blasts through at full intensity instead of slowly letting light in.
Amy Chan, a dating coach and author of "UNSINGLE: How to Date Smarter and Create Love That Lasts," notes that daters sometimes floodlight because they’re afraid they’ll get rejected if they share their trauma later in a relationship.
“In
anticipation of that potential future rejection, they want to lay it all out on the table, and see if someone is willing to stay,” Chan says.
Another reason can be wanting validation.
“Someone might share their hardships and how terrible the past few relationships were so they can get sympathy, and maybe even trauma bond,” Chan says.
What ‘floodlighting’ says about us
Philip Lewis, a Beverly Hills-based relationship therapist, says adults who didn’t feel heard or understood as children can develop a habit of oversharing in an unconscious effort to make sure they receive that as an adult.
“Some overshare in a misbelief that it shows a certain vulnerability that might attract someone. In reality, oversharing isn't relational, and is more likely to push your date away than draw them in,” Lewis says.
Lewis says he sometimes sees oversharing used as a “stress test,” where someone feeling insecure about themselves or their past shares about it early on, thinking, “If you can handle this, maybe we have a future.”
This is often due to a fear of rejection and can backfire.
“Most listeners will feel uncomfortable, not sympathetic, and that's a turn-off,” Lewis says. “Rather than building intimacy, oversharing signals a lack of healthy boundaries.”
What to do if you've been floodlighted
Chan and Lewis say that if your date or partner is floodlighting, you don’t need to play therapist or overshare to match their emotional intensity.
Instead, give them the benefit of the doubt and steer the conversation somewhere lighter.
“You could say something like, ‘I’m having a little trouble contributing to our conversations. I’d like to tell you more about myself. Would you be open to making room for that?’ or, ‘I’m sorry to hear what happened to you in the past. I’m curious how you’re coping with that today,’” Lewis says.
If you find yourself oversharing, take a breath and try to identify where the urge is coming from. Ultimately, if you like each other, there will be plenty of time to build deeper intimacy in the future.
“Notice the urge and ask yourself what you're hoping to get from sharing,” Lewis says. “If you've already overshared, name it and make room for your date to open up: ‘I think I shared a lot, fast. I’d like to hear more about you.’”
Charles Trepany contributed reporting.
Rachel Hale’s role covering Youth Mental Health at USA TODAY is supported by a partnership with Pivotal and Journalism Funding Partners. Funders do not provide editorial input. Reach her at rhale@usatoday.com and @rachelleighhale on X.
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Single and trying to find love? Be sure you're not 'floodlighting'
