My Instagram bio says I am an advocate for suicide prevention.
I wear a blue rubber bracelet every day that says "Talk about it."
I sign up for suicide prevention walks, raise money for research and share stories about reaching out. One of my most-worn T-shirts says “Mental Health Matters.”
I truly believe in all of this.
My mom died by suicide in 2012. And I have suffered from depression and am proof that sometimes a random check-in from a friend or an unexpected note can pull you out of a dark moment.
And yet, Suicide Prevention Day (Sept. 10) and Month can feel like a gut punch some years. If suicide can be prevented, how come I couldn't save my mom?
Across my socials, I am reminded to check on loved ones. Reach out. Notice the signs. Be kind.
Suicide grief, no matter how hard you try to not let it consume you, often ends with “what if” questions that don’t let go. What if I noticed more? What if I did more?
For me, it was: What if I picked up the phone when my mom called from the Grand Canyon on that foggy April morning 14 years ago? What if I didn’t let it go to voicemail and text back: “I love you, Mom. Crazy busy workday. Hard to break away to talk. But know I love you.”
What did I miss?
Sometimes the advice of “check on people” can unintentionally leave survivors feeling guilty, as if they didn’t check on their people, didn’t love them enough.
I know from years of counseling and research that many people who die by suicide are deeply loved, supported and checked on. That they have people who would do anything for them. And sometimes they still die.
When I struggle to understand it, I message a friend, Dr. Christine Moutier, the medical director for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.
She reminds me that "recovering from grief is not linear."
"Give yourself the grace to feel what you feel. Integration can happen over time, so that your loved one and your loss become part of living your fullest life," she says. "There is no rule that grief cannot co-exist with joy."
Suicide is more complex than loving someone out of their hurt. Suicide is rarely caused by a single event. One intervention doesn’t always save someone. We need better systems, like affordable housing, reduced access to firearms and more accessible and affordable care.
Still, we should keep trying. Keep reaching out. Keep asking “How are you” and make time for a long answer. We should keep making it easier for someone to ask for help.
Your random phone call or even compliment to a stranger has lifted someone in a way you might never know. And I am here as evidence that sometimes someone reaching out helps you stay a moment longer, long enough to get medication, to talk to a therapist and to eventually help others.
So I will calm my doubts. I will keep listening, sharing stories and posting the 988 Suicide Crisis Number.
I haven’t lost hope that we can prevent suicides.
Keep talking. Keep reaching out to each other. Keep reminding people you are here for them.
And don’t forget those who were left behind.
If you or someone you know needs mental health resources and support, please call, text or chat with the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline or visit 988lifeline.org for 24/7 access to free and confidential services.
Laura Trujillo is a national columnist focusing on health and wellness. She is the author of "Stepping Back from the Ledge: A Daughter's Search for Truth and Renewal" and can be reached at ltrujillo@usatoday.com.
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: I lost my mom to suicide. Here's why I sometimes hate Suicide Prevention Month
