Borrowing from the playbook of all master negotiators, President Donald Trump has gained the upper hand in his ongoing trade war with Canada by … wait for it … threatening to rename a lake.
On Aug. 25, President Deals McDealington threw down the gauntlet and showed those barbaric Canadians the fate they’ll face if they don’t bend to America’s will: “The United States is giving serious consideration to changing the name of Lake Ontario to Lake America in that we don’t expect to be doing much business with Ontario any longer. Thank you for your attention to this matter!”
BOOM! What say you now, callous Canucks? You didn’t expect our beloved MAGA president to go hyrdonymic on your a--, did you? The trade war Trump started for no particular reason
– the one likely to harm Americans economically – just got serious!
Changing Lake Ontario to 'Lake America' shows Trump knows dealmaking
As Trump was carefully crafting his strategic Lake America response, Canada announced it will retaliate against U.S. tariffs by doubling tariffs on American steel and aluminum to 50% while also boosting tariffs on more than 700 U.S. goods, including paper products, dairy and appliances.
At an Aug. 25 news conference, Canadian Finance Minister François-Philippe Champagne said: “When the United States of America asked too much and offered too little, we made a choice. We chose Canada.”
Oh yeah, Mr. Extremely French-Sounding Name? Well, when Trump was trying to navigate a delicate geopolitical trade negotiation with a longstanding ally, he chose to rename a lake. DOUBLE BOOM!
What if changing a lake name can't end the trade war with Canada?
My only concern with Trump’s Lake America threat – aside from yet another wholly unnecessary cost-of-living increase – is that the president didn’t go far enough.
There are entire cities and towns in America that have Canadian names. Ontario, California. Vancouver, Washington. Montreal, Wisconsin. Toronto, Kansas. And that’s just a handful of them. If Trump is serious about this trade war, all those cities and towns must be swiftly renamed “Americaville.”
There are also products sold in America that carry the dreaded word “Canadian.” We need an executive order mandating all Canadian bacon be relabeled “Patriot Pork.” Canadian whiskey will be “Freedom Juice.”
The word 'hockey' must be changed as well
Throughout the United States, hockey must be referred to only as American Stick & Ice Flat Ball.
Insulin was discovered at the University of Toronto in 1921. So that’s going to have to be banned.
Canadians invented garbage bags, so all Americans, from here on out, shall deposit their trash in Trump Sacks.
Celebrities like Celine Dion, Ryan Reynolds, Drake, Justin Bieber and Neil Young must be immediately deported back to their Canadian homeland. If they remain here, they will be rebranded as Celine America, Ryan Rockies, The Guy Who American Kendrick Lamar Handily Defeated (technically, that’s what most people call Drake already), Justice Freeber and Neil Trumpcoin.
Only a serious president knows the power of renaming things
It’s only through serious, mature steps like these that President Trump can guarantee victory over our neighbors to the north, who we used to like until Trump told us we don’t.
I ask all Americans to get on board Operation Lake America. Because this is definitely how serious countries get things done.
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk.
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Trump threatens to rename Lake Ontario. Checkmate, Canada. | Opinion
