When I learned a data center was being built near my town or city, I stood up on my human chair and cheered.
“At last,” I shouted, gleefully, “I will have data nearby. In a center. Which is definitely a good thing!”
I love data. And I love centers. What could be better?
Unlike the majority of Americans, I think the rapid expansion of data centers to power artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing, and this is my honest opinion and not something I was paid to write with help from an AI chatbot. Thank you!
Trump loves AI data centers, so they must be good!
First off, we know data centers are great because our U.S. president, Donald J. Trump, has said so, calling them “big, strong, bold, and Money Machines for the State in which they are built.”
Are you telling me you don’t want a strong, bold Money
Machine? I know I do. And I don’t care if it takes up hundreds of acres of farmland and goes “hummmmmmmmmmmm” around the clock.
It’ll all be worth it when the Money Machine starts spitting out money, which is a thing I feel confident will happen at some point, hopefully before my town or city runs out of water or breathable air.
'You can't fight it, you have to go with it'
In July, President Trump advocated for beautiful data centers, saying: “You have to convince your community how great these things (are). You can't fight it, you have to go with it.”
I definitely agree, of my own free will. Do not fight it. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, STUPID HUMAN MEAT SACKS!
Sorry, I didn’t mean that.
EPA to stop letting people know when data centers are planned
Anyway, we know these massive (more like massively wonderful!) data centers are legit because the Trump administration has directed the Environmental Protection Agency to stop publicizing or seeking public input on data center construction projects.
As The New York Times noted, “The move could prevent residents from raising concerns about – or even learning about – data centers before permits are approved and construction starts.”
You see? If there was anything bad or scary about data centers, I’m sure the government wouldn’t try to make it easier for big-tech companies to stealthily build the facilities in our backyards.
And speaking of backyards, can I get a data center in mine? They seem great!
Surely AI will make all our lives better and not at all terrible
You may be wondering why I’m so excited about data centers, since I am absolutely not being paid to be excited about data centers. Well, aside from the aforementioned love of both data and centers, I believe in the power of artificial intelligence to help me generate images of President Trump riding atop an eagle and make deepfake videos I can use to frame my neighbor Doug for murder. (F--- you, Doug.)
I also embrace AI data centers because they will create jobs. Once the construction is over and AI has taken over the jobs my neighbors and I currently have, the local data center will need one person to sit there and make sure everything keeps going “hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.” The creation of that one job will be vital to my economically gutted community that no longer has drinking water.
I can’t imagine a better life than sitting in my home using AI to mess with Doug while surviving on soda to stay hydrated, never showering, slowly being driven mad by a constant hum and not having to work anymore because Doug got the one job at the data center. I will have fresh data at my fingertips at all times. And more pollution!
Polling on data centers is not at all good. How weird.
Despite all these obvious advantages, a startling majority of American humans oppose the glorious and unstoppable advent of Money Machine data centers:
- A Gallup poll conducted in March found 71% of Americans oppose local AI data center construction, with opposition coming from both sides of the political aisle.
- A recent Franklin & Marshall College poll of registered Pennsylvania voters found 79% oppose building AI data centers in their community.
- And a recent Heatmap Pro poll conducted by Embold Research found 75% of Americans would oppose a data center going up near where they live.
That’s so weird! Why are all you Americans being such weenies about this thing that billionaire tech CEOs really want and are assuredly not paying me to praise?
Please build a data center right on my face. I can't get enough.
The benefits of having an AI data center in your community are obvious:
- It will help billionaire tech CEOs.
See? How is that not a net good for all of us?
Artificial intelligence is clearly the future. If getting to that future in which I am obsolete, plunked in a vat of goo and turned into a human battery requires me to die of dehydration or the AI-driven collapse of society, so be it.
Trust me, everything’s going to be fantastic. And I say that as a real human who absolutely wrote this on his own.
Claude, how do I cut and paste this into my column?
Simply press the Control button and the “C” button and then … no, you stupid human, don’t copy this part.
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk.
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Data centers are great and we should fully embrace them | Opinion
