It’s officially election season, and you may feel tempted to shut out the news and avoid political conversations that could raise anyone’s blood pressure.
Jessica Tarlov, a regular on Fox News’ “The Five” and cohost of the podcast “Raging Moderates” suggests a different strategy.
“I hear constantly from people on the right and on the left that they wish that they were having conversations with people that they disagree with, that we're too siloed, we're too hyper-partisan,” she says. “They're sick of losing people in their lives.”
In her new book, “I Disagree: How to Win Arguments without Losing Friends,” she hopes to provide an antidote. Part memoir, part guide, the tactics she describes are what she uses as a lone liberal voice at a table of
conservatives on “The Five,” the most-watched cable news show. “It's four to one, so odds are stacked against me,” she says, “I still do well though, I think, or at least that's what my mom tells me.”
She describes a genuine friendship with her colleagues (she and "The Five" cohost Greg Gutfeld, for example, are neighbors and have daughters about the same age, and swap recommendations on everything from food to movies), and believes there is way to have tough conversations without alienating the people you care about most – or walking away entirely.
“Do your homework,” she says. “Hope that people are coming to these conversations not from a malicious place or just wanting to land that knockout punch, but to share their experience with you.”
Then try some of these tactics:
1. Play the long game
In today’s hyper-partisan environment, “there is too much emphasis put on quick wins,” she says. “People just want to see take downs and they want to see it now. There’s a whole TikTok vertical dedicated to it.”
Tarlov wants people to think beyond the next 90 seconds. “Do I want to change votes? Absolutely. I want to win elections. I think your quality of life will be better under a Democratic administration,” she says. But you're unlikely to sway someone with one debate over dinner.
On “The Five,” she thinks of it this way: “Every bit of this conversation chips away at people's perceptions of the Democratic party as maybe too aloof or elitist or out of touch,” she says. Each time you tussle with a loved one, think of it as an opportunity to show them there's another way to look at an issue. She suggests asking things like, “Did you consider this piece of data or information?” Or, “Did you think about how you’re making an impact on this group of people?”
This kind of discourse, grounded in civility, can leave the door open to follow-ups. “That doesn’t mean it doesn’t get hot,” she says. But it can mean you’ll get to try again and might eventually find common ground.
2. Understand how painful it is to change
“I Disagree” explains some of the social science behind our partisanship, particularly about how people process information that opposes their point of view. “It actually physically hurts to hear things that run counter to what we believe,” Tarlov says. “So you might be in a conversation with somebody where you're thinking, ‘How can they be this stubborn? How could they be this dug in?’ It’s because their pain receptors are going off as you are telling them about the reality of who is being held in ICE detention. Be cognizant of [the physical reaction] and be cautious with it.” It’s another reason that a quick attack will likely backfire.
3. Don’t assume you disagree
One of the biggest mistakes, Tarlov says, is that people believe it's impossible to see eye-to-eye with someone from across the aisle. “Our fundamentals are very, very similar actually. We all generally want the same things for ourselves and for our kids.”
She advises against opening with, “I know we’re not going to agree on this.”
"It’s just not true,” she says. “You see this playing out in even the most hot-button issues like immigration. People were out there supporting Trump with mass deportation signs, and now they’re saying, ‘Well, I didn't think that they were going to take the guy who works in my carwash or the home healthcare aide.’ It is a mistake, I think, to assume that we are too divided to at least talk about it and to get to an outcome that you can both live with. You may not be thrilled, but there’s no right to being thrilled in the [Constitution].”
Start with what you agree on, and build from there.
4. Separate style and substance
President Trump has attacked Tarlov repeatedly. Once it came at a time when she was receiving death threats and as a result of his comments, she says, she needed more security. (“It is a special category to have the most powerful person in the world spend his time critiquing you like that,” she jokes.)
As difficult as those moments can sometimes be, they have a takeaway: “A criticism on style is a win on substance. [Trump] didn't criticize anything that I was saying. It was about my presentation, which he called jittery.”
It’s something she’s self-conscious about, she admits. "So a win for Donald Trump, he zeroed in on it. He said my voice was unendurable. Some people feel differently about that, but I've got a millennial vocal fry thing going on for sure,” she says.
What she comes back to is that he didn't dispute her facts. If nothing else, she was able to penetrate his partisan bubble with her point of view.
5. Master the pause
“So much of what goes wrong in these conversations is actually a tone problem, not a substance problem. You're flustered or you're mad and [think] they're intentionally poking at you,” Tarlov says.
Both sides, she says, “will try to throw you off kilter.” Don’t let them. “I call it regulating before you respond, which is a novel way to say, take a moment,” she says.
She pauses if she needs to, even if she’s on air. “I'm on camera, four million people watching, and sometimes people are like, ‘Well, what took you so long?’” she says. “I'm taking a moment in a very public forum, and that is my right. And it is your right, too.”
6. Let go of the political talking points
The latest talk track from a political campaign circulating on social media likely won’t resonate with your adversary.
Got a policy position you care about? “Figure out a way to articulate it in such a manner that they can at least see the real pain and hurt that's been caused – not a political talking point, but the genuine brokenheartedness that a lot of people feel from this,” she says. “That's how I approach it, and how I want people to approach me.”
7. Allow people to evolve
“It’s very normal and natural that people grow up and change their opinions,” she says. For example, “it seems quite obvious and realistic to me that people in the midst of the aftermath of the murder of George Floyd would've taken a more extreme position than you would when you had your sensibilities about you.”
Sadly, there's often an expectation that people remain fixed in their political positions, regardless of new information or experiences.
“You've got to make room in your coalition for people who you might think made an egregious mistake,” she says. “There are going to be a lot of policy decisions made during Trump 2.0. As far as I'm concerned, it's been an abject disaster thus far. But I don't want to be yelling at people or talking down to them because they chose the guy who they thought was going to be better for them economically at a time when they were suffering.
“We as a society are lacking in grace,” she adds. “Give people the benefit of the doubt and make room for them to evolve or change their minds.” That includes you, too.
8. Build your own 'board of directors'
Prep is important – you can‘t have a productive conversation if you’re not informed about the issues. But Tarlov says building your own board or circle of consiglieres makes it easier. It’s a hack she learned from “The Five” cohost Dana Perino, who was President George Bush's press secretary.
“She said, ‘Find people who are smarter than you in something that you're interested in or that you think might come up, and then use them.’” That does two things, Tarlov says. “One, it takes the [prep] work off your plate, but it also makes them feel good. So much of these conversations is about making other people feel good.” It helps build a bridge with someone on the opposite side of an issue and gives you ammo to help you find a way to make your argument.
9. Stay at the table
What happens if an issue is exceptionally personal, perhaps it affects your marriage or your child?
"I am a believer in continuing the conversation, even if it means rehashing over and over again how serious the implications of these policy decisions have been for your family,” she says. “I have had this back and forth with my colleagues all the time where they say, ‘Oh, you just have TDS, Trump Derangement Syndrome. What do you care if I like [Trump]?’ I care because it has policy implications. I don't get mad if you bring a friend to a holiday party that I don't like – that is not a big deal to me. You guys have drinks, hang out, that's totally fine. [The president] is making decisions for all of us.”
Keep at it, Tarlov says. “There's always something more that you can say, even if it's just, 'This relationship matters a lot to me, and I don't want you to get the impression that I don't care about what you have to say.' People are looking for that care. They just want to hear that you see the humanity in them. Hopefully they see it in you, too.”
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Fox News' resident liberal has some tips for winning a political argument
