They're so generous. So self-sacrificing. Or are they?
Does someone in your life do a lot of really nice things for you? And yet, somehow, every "kind" gesture of theirs feels like it has strings attached?
Maybe you know that, one day, this act of kindness will somehow be used against you. Maybe as a bargaining chip. Or as emotional blackmail. Maybe the gesture is something you didn't even want or ask for. Maybe it even makes your life worse somehow. And yet, you know objecting in any way will cause all hell to break loose.
If that's the case, you may be dealing with a particular kind of narcissist − one who shrouds their grandiosity in performative sacrifice and self-serving magnanimity.
We're talking about the "the resentful martyr."
"Listen, sometimes
a sweet person may give us a bag of clothes we have no use for, or some unpalatable food, or make a reservation at a terrible place – but you don’t feel this sense that excessive thanks is needed, or that the person would be angered by you saying that you have no need for the clothes," says Ramani Durvasula, a psychologist and the author of "It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People." "It’s not about the nice act. It’s about the expectations and price that comes with it."
What is a 'resentful martyr' narcissist?
Resentful martyr narcissists do things for you whether you like it or not. That's because their actions, really, have nothing to do with you at all, and everything to do with getting them praise, attention and validation, also known as narcissistic supply.
"They do what they want to do – they make the food they like or that they like to make and bring it to you, filling your fridge with food you won’t eat," Durvasula says. "They may even organize a party for you on a day that is difficult for you to make or plan a vacation at a time you can’t go."
What makes matters worse is resentful martyrs are tougher to spot than other kinds of narcissists, says Chelsey Brooke Cole, a psychotherapist and the author of "If Only I’d Known! How to Outsmart Narcissists, Set Guilt-Free Boundaries, and Create Unshakeable Self-Worth."
"A resentful martyr is a narcissist in disguise," Cole says. "The resentful martyr isn't overtly loud, flashy or arrogant. They often appear nice, helpful and giving. But their 'help' is always on their terms, and directly against what you expressly want or need."
And don't think anything from a resentful narcissist ever comes free.
"They keep a log or a ledger of who owes them," says Stephanie Sarkis, a psychotherapist and the author of "Healing from Toxic Relationships: 10 Essential Steps to Recover from Gaslighting, Narcissism, and Emotional Abuse." "And then resenting people that refuse to participate in that dynamic."
And what does their resentment look like? Well, pretty ugly.
"They may get angry, tell you that you are ungrateful, demanding, unkind, mean," Durvasula says. "They may give you the silent treatment or one-word answers. They may mope and act like a victim. They may even cry and tell you that you do not appreciate them."
Dealing with a 'resentful martyr' narcissist? Here are some tips
If you have to deal with this kind of narcissist, here are a few tips from experts.
- Silently recognize what's really going on. "Unsolicited, conditional help is a debt, not a deposit," Cole says. "This is them trying to gain leverage, not show love."
- Don't call them out. This will only lead to unproductive conflict − and, honestly, that's what a lot of narcissists want anyway. So don't give it to them. "They get a payoff from you fighting back, from you criticizing them," Sarkis says.
- Accept they won't change. "Odds are you have told them multiple times you don’t want what they are offering – and had to face the sullen resentment," Durvasula says. "Being realistic about the relationship and recognizing it probably won’t change are also key to coping."
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: This type of narcissist will do nice things for you. Meet the ‘resentful martyr.’
