Beth Ayn Stansfield, of Virginia, was excited when her preteen told her she wanted to start running together.
"Initially, she came home from school one day, middle school, and announced that she just wanted to get healthy and that she was going to go on a diet," Stansfield said. "At that time, I didn't give it much thought because I was on the South Beach diet."
Stansfield enjoyed bonding with her daughter, Carly, through food and exercise, especially working out together as a way to have fun and relieve stress. But she soon realized that for Carly, "it started to become extreme." At first Carly eliminated sweets. Then she cut out all carbs. Stansfield then noticed her daughter sometimes skipped meals altogether.
means treating her body 'with more love'
For her own part, Stansfield said she was skipping social events to work out. She was criticizing her own body constantly, and tying her self-worth to her looks. But that didn't seem the same as seeing her daughter shrink when she was supposed to be growing.
Carly was diagnosed with an eating disorder at age 12, and Stansfield traveled with her to the Eating Recovery Center in Colorado for treatment that lasted more than three months. The center has a family education program, and while learning more about disordered eating, Stansfield started to think: "This sounds like my story."
"At that point I had lost a significant amount of weight, but I wasn't medically ill," Stansfield said, adding that she didn't think there was a reason to seek help for herself. "And actually, I was getting feedback from family and friends that reinforced what I was doing. I mean, people were actually saying, 'Wow, you look really great.'"
Stansfield, 65, isn't alone. Preconceived notions about eating disorders − including the false belief that patients need to be emaciated to be diagnosed − can sometimes prevent parents from recognizing their own struggles. And when it comes to eating disorder recovery in children, having parents and caregivers model healthy eating behaviors is important, said Lauren Salvatore, psychologist and senior director of behavioral health at Northwell's Cohen Children’s Medical Center.
She typically encourages parents to share similar high caloric diets and to not engage in excessive exercise while their children are in recovery. But she's also sensitive to parents who are struggling with eating disorders themselves.
"It's not your fault that your child developed an eating disorder," Salvatore said. "You're your child's biggest advocate. Your own struggles don't prevent you from helping your child get better."
'My focus was on her'
Few people with eating disorders are medically underweight, according to research published in the Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry. The main indicator of an eating disorder is how much thoughts about food, exercise and body image take up in a person's day-to-day life, said family therapist Ashley Moser, clinical education specialist at The Renfrew Center, an eating disorder treatment center. Many people live for years not recognizing they have an eating disorder.
"We're not only concerned about people who are visibly or medically compromised. We need to be concerned about people who are preoccupied, who are missing out on their lives because they're putting exercise and food rules above relationships," Moser said. "We're missing the people who are experiencing a lot of mood symptoms and isolation as a result of how they feel about themselves and their body and the anxiety around eating and being seen."
That was true for Kristi Humston, of Kansas. Humston said her daughter told her she was struggling with eating when she was in middle school. Right away, Humston said, she thought back to her high school days when friends would ask why she wasn't eating lunch.
"There was a lot of denial," Humston, 54, said. But in hindsight, she realized she'd probably struggled with an eating disorder most of her life. "I really didn't see it as a problem, until I started to realize through my daughter."
Inga Yanoski, 52, also realized she had a lifelong struggle with disordered eating after her child was hospitalized with anorexia at age 9. She said she felt judged by the doctors and nurses who chastised her for not realizing her kid's condition sooner. They were sent home from the hospital with instructions on refeeding without much outside support.
"That was definitely terrifying," Yanoski said.
The amount her child had to eat to put back on weight, she said, "began to really kind of trigger something in me." In learning more about the disorder, Yanoski realized she, too, skipped or delayed meals sometimes, and that her mind was often preoccupied with her weight and food rules.
"It actually helped me," she said. She found a therapist with an eating disorder background and joined her child in high caloric meals. Together, Yanoski said, they healed.
Caregiving can be all-consuming, and many caregivers put their own health aside while caring for a sick loved one. A new survey of more than 1,000 eating disorder caregivers from Equip, a virtual eating disorder treatment program, found 80% of respondents felt overwhelmed, and 1 in 3 said they suffer from anxiety, depression or disordered eating themselves.
Even when Stansfield recognized she likely had an eating disorder, she kept it to herself. "There were times I wanted to say (it) to someone," she said. "But I didn't want them to think I was making it about myself."
"My focus was on her," Stansfield said of her daughter. She channeled all of her energy into helping Carly get back to good health. Luckily, that meant participating in therapy sessions on occasion and following Carly's meal plan. "Her recovery, truly − without ever mentioning this to anyone − became the catalyst for my own healing."
While supporting her daughter, Stansfield said she quietly changed her own food and exercise habits and challenged her own ideas about her body. It felt urgent, she said, in order to be the best mom she could be.
"Kids, they watch you far more than they listen," Stansfield said. "They notice what we prioritize, what we praise, what we avoid, even, and how we criticize ourselves. So I started to be mindful."
A parent's struggle doesn't cause their child's disorder, experts say
Parents and caregivers don't have to suffer in silence, Humston said. Now a caregiver coach with Equip, Humston recommends parents and caregivers be open about their own struggles with eating disorders.
Parents who recognize they need help should seek therapy, Salvatore said.
Moser emphasized that while modeling neutral language about food and positive body talk is important, a parent's struggle with an eating disorder is never the cause of their child's eating disorder.
"There are so many factors at play," Moser said. "I think a lot of parents carry a lot of guilt and shame and fear that maybe they've done something wrong."
Especially in today's era of weight-loss drugs, public praise for thinness and the normalization of excessive exercise, it's imperative that parents have the resources they need to spot eating disorders early and help their children through treatment when necessary, Moser said.
Stansfield is in a much better place now, she said. She has a balanced and healthy relationship with food and exercise. But sometimes, when she sees messaging about GLP-1s and body image arise, she feels a prickle of alarm.
"That warrior in me starts to flare up," she said. "I get angry, because there are going to be − in my opinion − we're going to see so many more eating disorders surface because of it."
Readers seeking help can contact the National Alliance for Eating Disorders Helpline at 1-866-662-1235 (www.allianceforeatingdisorders.com). For individuals experiencing a mental health crisis, Crisis Text Line can be reached by texting "ALLIANCE" to 741741.
Madeline Mitchell's role covering women and the caregiving economy at USA TODAY is supported by a partnership with Pivotal and Journalism Funding Partners. Funders do not provide editorial input.
Reach Madeline at memitchell@usatoday.com and @maddiemitch_ on X.
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Her 12-year-old had an eating disorder. Caregiving meant healing herself, too
