Think about how long it took you and a significant other to get to really know each other. A month? Six months? A year?
Millions on TikTok have watched videos on the so-called three-month rule, which posits that three months is a solid test for whether a couple will ride off into the proverbial sunset or go their separate ways. But is that amount of time enough to determine that?
Experts aren't sold on three months as the be-all-end-all marker for relationship success but do support the idea of waiting before going all in with a new partner.
"I can see why people need something more concrete to guide them," Cecille Ahrens, a licensed clinical social worker, previously told USA TODAY. "But if you're self-aware enough, you're going to start to see confirmation
or red flags to go either direction – to continue with this person, or to break it up. Especially if there are overt signs of dysfunction and abuse. You don't need to wait 90 days to end that."
What does three months tell you?
Three months allows a solid amount of time to get to know someone's quirks. Whether they treat wait staff kindly. Whether they talk in their sleep. Whether they have a good relationship with their family and friends.
"It gives people time to figure out if this person is someone they want to have a longer-term or ongoing relationship with," Ahrens says. "It gives people time to assess a variety of factors."
A lot it comes down to how you process what you're seeing. Ahrens adds: "Are you healthy enough to even recognize what's happening, or to recognize that this could be a healthy dynamic? Are you self-aware enough to recognize those things, because if you're not, 90 days, the time alone is not going to be enough."
Beware of 'quick involvement'
Sometimes relationships move fast. But that's not always a good thing.
"It's so easy to succumb to feelings at the beginning and move too quickly, leading to hurt feelings or negative experiences," Laura Petiford, a licensed marriage and family therapist, previously told USA TODAY. "While beginnings can be exciting, they are not an adequate basis for a sustainable relationship."
Also, someone wanting to fast-track a connection is a potential sign of abuse – especially if that leads to love-bombing.
"A lot of times with abusive personalities, they don't want the time to be there because they're not going to be able to sustain the good behavior," Ahrens says. "So they need things to move faster than usual."
Physical, mental and emotional abuse are red flags, in addition to not respecting boundaries, inconsistency, not respecting themselves or others, or being flaky.
Be open to whatever relationship speed works for you
The three months you spend with someone new isn't just about them. It's about you, too.
"Sometimes you'll also learn things about yourself that you weren't aware of," Ahrens says. "You'll discover something about yourself that you probably thought you were very firm about, because that person gave you a new perspective or a positive experience of it." Maybe you used to hate scary movies, for example, but watching with this partner made it more enjoyable.
Take time to think about what "taking it slowly" means for you, too. "For some it means postponing sex or exclusivity. Maybe it means you don't introduce someone to friends or incorporate them into your life in meaningful ways," Petiford says. "That way, you give the relationship time to emerge naturally without input from others or emotional entanglements that might sway one's judgment when evaluating the suitability of a would-be partner."
When in doubt, wait before committing.
"It's important to know yourself and take the time you need to establish that the person you met on Day One is someone you want to spend time with the next day. And the next after that," Petiford says. "A caveat to this pragmatism is that love or the search for love is inherently delicate territory. And even those who have taken it slowly can sometimes find that at a place down the road beyond the 90 days, they aren't a good match."
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: The 'three-month rule' and the signs your relationship won't make it
