Editor's note: This column is part of Changing Minds, a USA TODAY Opinion series. Ahead of the November midterm elections, we talked with people who changed their political beliefs after years of seeing things a certain way. We're publishing their stories before Nov. 3.
I didn’t attend my son’s wedding because I didn’t believe in his marriage.
But now, five years later, I can’t imagine a stronger, more loving relationship, and I’m grateful for the ways that his marriage to a man has provided a stable, secure foundation for my grandchildren.
For my entire life, I had been raised with the understanding that being gay is a sin. I grew up in the Apostolic Church in Ohio, and we were taught diligently about how to follow the word of God. We learned
of so many biblical truths, and one of them, without a doubt, was that God does not condone same-sex relationships.
My son, RaShaun, came out more than 20 years ago. When he did, I was incredibly angry. I jumped on him, called him all kinds of names. Underneath that anger, I felt embarrassed, hurt and ashamed. I worried about what people would think of me and my family – that my firstborn son was gay.
Counseling helped a bit, and I processed with some friends. And mostly, I prayed.
I prayed to understand, and to unlearn
I knew that I wanted to continue a relationship with my son, and I knew that I wanted to be connected to my grandchild, Jaden, whom RaShaun fathered with a previous relationship. I learned how to get along.
But in 2020, when RaShaun told me he was getting married to a man named Ken, I got angry all over again. I just got fightin’ furious. There was really a rupture in our entire family. RaShaun had moved to Georgia, and he wanted Jaden to come down to live with him and Ken, and I dug my heels into the ground, resisting that with everything I had. I did not want Jaden to go down to Atlanta and live with two men.
When Jaden did move down to Georgia, however, he really blossomed. He stayed on the honor roll and received a full scholarship to college. He loved living with his dad and Ken – and when RaShaun and Ken had my granddaughter, Brooklyn, Jaden became the best big brother.
I realized over the course of those years, when a lot was happening in RaShaun and Ken’s life, that I hadn’t really processed my concerns and worries about my son. I didn’t want to lose my relationship with my son, or with my grandchildren, or with the man that made my son so happy.
I needed to revisit counseling, and I returned to prayer.
I prayed to understand. And I realized that there is another truth that is central in the Bible: I cannot judge anyone for anything. My love for my son could override the years of anti-gay teachings that I had internalized, and sometimes you have to let go of what you’ve been taught and make room for love. I found that I could hold both at the same time – my relationship with God and my relationship with my son.
Since then, I have watched RaShaun walk into his purpose in a really powerful way. He has become a state senator in Georgia, and he serves his community with grace and empathy and kind leadership.
I’ve seen how RaShaun and Ken love and support each other. It’s so peaceful and comforting. People search all of their lives for a relationship as loving and committed as theirs.
RaShaun and Ken are amazing fathers. They provide such a beautiful structure and consistency for Brooklyn and Jaden. Any child would thrive in the environment that RaShaun and Ken have created.
They are raising Brooklyn and Jaden to be strong, intelligent, kind and curious people, and watching their dedicated parenting has been a key part of changing my mind and helping me understand. I’ve also spent time with RaShaun and Ken’s friends, some of whom are also gay and raising kids, and they are all doing well, too.
I feel like my eyes have been opened.
I know that God helped me change my mind about my son – and about gay people overall. He helped me change my mind about the freedom to marry for same-sex couples. I now believe that love is love – that everyone should be able to love who they love. I am so grateful that God has opened my heart and my mind.
Love teaches us lessons that nothing else can.
Kimberly Holliman is a grandmother who lives in Ohio.
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: I was angry when my son came out. Watching him as a dad changed that
