You may have heard of "breadcrumbing," when someone gives a romantic prospect just enough attention to keep them interested.
But what if someone is doing the same thing while they’re already in a relationship?
That’s called "cushioning," a dating trend where someone in a monogamous relationship keeps backup options around.
It can happen when someone texts an ex-partner in secrecy. It might look like keeping a dating profile up or liking someone’s stories on Instagram and messaging them in flirtatious ways to keep a spark alive.
“Someone will cushion because they are afraid of being alone, or getting rejected, and so having someone to fall back on in case their current relationship doesn’t work out can help them brace for the fall,” says Amy Chan,
a dating coach and the author of "UNSINGLE: How to Date Smarter and Create Love That Lasts." “Hence the word ‘cushioning’ which gives them a soft landing in the event of heartache."
What ‘cushioning’ says about us
“Cushioning” may involve the same behaviors as "benching," keeping a backup lineup of options alive. The difference is that these behaviors go from inconsiderate to a real issue when done while in a committed relationship.
Chan says that cushioning can stem from “a shaky sense of safety and self worth.” Cushioning can also be a form of avoidance: Someone has doubts about the relationship they’re in, but figures out ways to secretly exit instead of dealing with those issues by having a conversation with their partner.
“To feel OK, they need the validation of someone else,” Chan says. “The idea of not having an external source of validation is too uncomfortable, so they feel the need to line up multiple sources of it in case one runs out.”
Cushioning can quickly turn into "monkey barring" or “branch swinging,” lining up the next relationship before ending a current one. A person who is cushioning, on the other hand, might not have any plans of leaving their current partner, but they’re making sure they have a landing spot if they do.
It might be as simple as someone passively keeping their dating app profile up and running, but can extend to sexual texting, ranting to a romantic prospect about issues in one’s relationship or providing emotional support that goes beyond that of a friend. And yes, cushioning can happen with someone’s ex.
Chan says behaviors like breadcrumbing, benching and cushioning are amplified because people are lacking the skills to deal with relationship conflict, so instead of having uncomfortable conversations, they avoid the problems.
And the proliferation of dating apps hasn’t helped.
“If someone participates in one of these toxic dating trends, there’s no social consequences. Whereas a few decades ago, where most people were meeting through work, friends and family, you couldn’t just get away with this sort of behavior,” Chan says.
Chan previously told USA TODAY we shouldn't be surprised that buzzy new dating terms keep cropping up. Modern dating has become so baffling in the digital age, she said, that people are struggling to make sense of their experiences − so they're inventing new words to process them.
"Modern dating has gotten so complicated that we need new words just to describe what's happening to us," she said. "It's like we've made dating struggles part of our public conversation in a way that just didn't happen before."
Is ‘cushioning’ cheating?
Even when it doesn’t extend to full-on cheating, the behavior of cushioning often backfires, according to Chan.
Cushioning could fall under the umbrella of “microcheating,” unfaithful acts that might not pass the test of obvious cheating but are still a breach of trust.
And over time, these small acts of disloyalty can snowball into a bigger problem.
“It’s about the root energy of these actions,” Chan says. “Bottom line is if you're in an exclusive, monogamous relationship but you're keeping flirtatious back channels open, you're breaking the spirit of the agreement even if you haven't technically broken a formal rule."
Chan says an easy way to determine whether you’re crossing a line is to apply the golden rule: If your partner saw the messages and interactions, would they be comfortable with it? Would you be comfortable with your behavior being out in the open?
What to do if you’ve been cushioned
For those who have been cushioned, Chan says it’s normal to feel the grief of separation and a sense of betrayal.
“It’s easy to say ‘don’t ruminate,’ but the reality is you’ll probably doubt yourself, wonder if there were signs that they had someone waiting on the sidelines and even doubt if what you shared was real,” Chan says.
All of these feelings are valid, but it also isn’t helpful to make assumptions or obsess over clues you might have missed. After a period of grieving the relationship, it’s OK to reflect on what lessons to take from the experience in order to grow.
“Were there issues in the relationship that were swept under the rug? Did you walk on egg shells and not speak your truth? You cannot control what happened in the past, you cannot control your ex, but you can choose to find the learning opportunity so you can grow from it,” Chan says.
And ultimately, remember that cushioning has everything to do with the perpetrator, not you.
“If you do choose to work through it, it’s important to define what your commitment looks like, what counts as betrayal and be on the same page on what type of relationship you’re in and what is appropriate,” Chan says.
Charles Trepany contributed reporting.
Rachel Hale’s role covering Youth Mental Health at USA TODAY is supported by a partnership with Pivotal and Journalism Funding Partners. Funders do not provide editorial input. Reach her at rhale@usatoday.com and @rachelleighhale on X.
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: There's a new toxic dating trend: ‘cushioning.’ Is it cheating?
