Lil Jon's legacy is cemented. Now, Jonathan Smith is writing the next chapter of his career by helping and healing others through his own story.
The Grammy-winning producer, rapper and DJ's new memoir, "I Only Shout So You Can Hear Me" (out now, Atria/Black Privilege Publishing), details his life – from Atlanta's alternative music scenes in the 1980s to DJing and producing for Usher, Ciara and more to international acclaim. While his music career has been about giving audiences a good time, he says this next phase of his life will focus on helping others.
In February, Lil Jon experienced a parent's worst nightmare. He's now prepared to share "his story with grief and dealing with loss."
"I have been a private type of artist my whole life. But now,
as I'm older, I realized some things that I've been through. I can share to help some people … and show them that they can get through it," he tells USA TODAY in an interview. "To help and to heal and to uplift."
In his new memoir, the artist offers a glimpse into the man behind his wild persona, sharing the biggest takeaways.
Lil Jon makes shocking discovery about his parents
Early in "I Only Shout So You Can Hear Me," Jon reveals that the man who raised him wasn't his biological father.
Speaking of his mother, whom he says "kept many secrets," the producer said he made the discovery within recent years and was "still coming to grips with what it means."
"A big part of why I wanted to learn about my family history was to understand where I came from and more importantly, why I am the way I am," he writes in the book. "But sometimes, you have to be careful what you look for. The truth can be uncomfortable."
Jon said learning the truth felt like "something inside me had been torn apart," adding that "the weight of knowing what I learned about my mother and father hit me so hard; do I really want to know more? Because when I think about the situation, all I'm left with is more questions."
The rapper said he never had a "passing thought" that the man who raised and loved him wasn't his father.
"But I don't know who my biological father – my real father – is. I know his name. But not much else," he writes. "I'll never know what my real father was like. I'll never be able to ask my mother what really happened. I'll never be able to ask my dad – the dad I always thought was my dad – if he knew about this. Unfortunately, my parents are no longer here, and as they have passed on, so too have the secrets they kept."
Lil Jon shares final conversation with son Nathan
Jon wrote his memoir before his son, Nathan Smith, died. In the epilogue, he says he was preparing to release the book when he received the "devastating" call.
In February, Smith had run out of his Georgia home and couldn't be found after police and loved ones searched the area. Jon says everything seemed fine days earlier.
He says his son was dealing with debilitating pain that at times made it difficult for him to think or move and struggled to find relief despite undergoing many tests and therapy. Jon attributed Smith's pain to a physical symptom of his stress, trauma and anxiety.
"He'd called to say, 'I love you.' I told him I loved him, too. I was always encouraging him to take care of himself," Jon writes. "On the call, I leaned into him a bit. 'I'm on you because I love you,' I said. 'I care about you. I want you to get better.' 'I'm getting there,' he said. 'I've been going through a lot. I'm working through it. Give me some credit.'"
"I think he felt I was being too hard on him," Jon admits. "Ultimately, we ended the call in a good place. Still, it felt like something was left unsettled. He must have felt the same way, because at 12:48 a.m. Saturday morning, he sent me a message: 'Love you dad, got so much love for you. I'm gonna try communicating better and stop letting fear hold me back. … It's funny, I know that family bond is strong because our whole family really only argues cause we care.'"
Jon wrote back, "'I do care a lot. You are my only son, and I worry about you a lot. You are so talented and extremely smart. Nothing should be holding you back. I pray for the days you have no more discomfort and no more fear. Those days are coming. Love you.'"
The producer said that after speaking to his therapist, he called his son to apologize for not acknowledging his effort more.
"'I see that you're trying, and I want you to know that you are seen. All the effort you've been putting in – I see it. And I see you,'" Jon writes. "Little did I know that was the last time I would talk to him."
Lil Jon shares new details about the day his son died
Jon writes that the day Smith went missing, his "legs wobbled and my heart raced" as his worry increased.
"I felt at any moment I might collapse; like someone was stabbing me in the chest with a knife, twisting more and more as time went on," Jon writes. "I was going crazy."
He flew into town and arrived at Smith's house. Jon writes that he immediately felt a shift: "'He's not here anymore. I don't feel his presence.' Nathan's a part of me. If a part of me was missing, I could feel it. I knew then that he was gone."
Days after Smith's disappearance, police called Jon to a nearby lake. He saw men inside a tent looking over something, and he knew the media had already reported that something had been pulled from the lake. He says he "already felt like I knew what I was about to hear."
"Silence hung in the air for a moment. I took a breath and then asked the officer the question I was dreading: 'Did you find anything in the lake?' The officer looked at me with a serious expression painted across his face. 'I'm sorry to inform you, but we found your son,'" Jon writes. "My head dropped. My heart broke. I was shell-shocked, overwhelmed with pain. Just as nothing can prepare you for the moment your child enters the world, nothing can prepare you for the moment your child leaves the world."
"Sobs filled the air. Then, quickly, I picked my head up and spoke with the officer more," he adds. "People who were there told me later they felt like I held it together, all things considered. That while I was receiving the worst news of my life, I somehow kept my composure. It was unthinkable, still."
Jon reveals that Smith was dealing with significant anxiety and self-consciousness over his music and how it would be judged. But his son "never gave me that indication" that he would harm himself.
"The day he disappeared, he had plans. He was supposed to go to therapy. He even wrote to his therapist the night before: 'I'll see you tomorrow.' And I had spoken to him myself, when I apologized," Jon writes. "His best friend told me later that Nathan said he was happy we were in a good place. An investigation into the circumstances surrounding Nathan's death revealed that it was caused by accidental drowning. I can say now, with full confidence, Nathan did not intend to die."
If you or someone you know may be in a mental health crisis, you can call 988 any time day or night, or chat online. Crisis Text Line also provides free, 24/7, confidential support via text message to people in crisis when they dial 741741.
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Lil Jon reveals last conversation with late son, sad family secret in new book
