Blake Fontenay is USA TODAY's commentary editor.
I have a shocking announcement that may cause some loyal Buc-ee's customers to choke on their beaver nuggets:
They're just gas stations.
I realize what I'm saying is heresy to Buc-ee's backers, who'll be lining up to chew me out. I'm aware the Texas-based convenience store chain has 56 locations around the country, with more in the planning stages.
Ohio's first Buc-ee's opened in Huber Heights near Dayton in April. A second one is planned for Mansfield. A bid to stop the project failed earlier this month due to signature issues.
I'm aware that in my home state of Florida, the Buc-ee's location in Daytona Beach has been attracting more visitors than the famed Daytona International Speedway. I'm aware there
are lots of sites on social media where people can go to rave about Buc-ee's plentiful gas pumps, clean restrooms, tasty brisket sandwiches and consumer goods, many bearing the likeness of the chain's Bucky Beaver mascot.
I'm even aware that during the World Cup, many foreign visitors went a little bonkers for Buc-ee's.
Buc-ee's hype is as excessive as the jerky selection
I'll concede the brisket is pretty good. For a barbecue snob who's lived much of his life in Memphis and Nashville, that's quite an admission. And some of the highway billboards are really clever.
As for the rest of it, the hype far exceeds the reality.
Having dozens and dozens of gas pumps at each location has been touted as one of Buc-ee's strengths. Yet in all my visits to gas stations, I've never once needed more than a single pump to take care of my business. Buc-ee's has become so popular that there are long lines to get gas at some locations, which seems to defeat the purpose of having lots of pumps. More pumps should mean less waiting.
When I say I want to make a pit stop while traveling, I mean it in the purest NASCAR sense of the word: I want to get it over with and get back on the road as soon as possible. The sheer size and layout of Buc-ee's stores work against that goal.
One report found the average "dwell time" at a Buc-ee's store was more than 20 minutes, roughly twice the average of other popular convenience store chains. I can't imagine why people need that much time to figure out which type of fudge or jerky to buy.
Speaking of the jerky, this is another example of Buc-ee's overkill. In my experience, except in situations where strenuous outdoor activity is involved, jerky is usually consumed more out of boredom than actual hunger.
Ergo, Buc-ee's flavor offerings like Bohemian garlic and Korean barbecue seem like the answers to a question no one was really asking.
Shouldn't clean restrooms be a given?
So what about the clean restrooms? They're great, really. (Although I did find it amusing to visit one of the Buc-ee's lovers' Facebook pages recently, where a commenter stirred up a fuss for reporting a Buc-ee's restroom she'd visited was less than immaculate. Some of the responses were pretty defensive, including a couple suggesting it might have been an act of sabotage.)
My question is, shouldn't we be expecting clean restrooms in all the public places we frequent? Why treat with mystique what should be considered basic customer service? Speaking of which, the Better Business Bureau gave some Buc-ee's stores an F-rating several months ago for failing to adequately respond to customer complaints.
I know what I'm saying is hard for some people to hear. My now ex-wife is an ardent Buc-ee's fan ‒ so much so that if she was sleeping in the car as we drove past a billboard advertising an upcoming location, I would turn down the radio and be extra quiet so I wouldn't wake her until after we had passed the exit.
(And no, that wasn't what doomed our marriage, I'm fairly certain. That was hardly the worst of my marital shortcomings.)
Is a world without Buc-ee's even possible now?
On a certain level, I know resistance to Buc-ee's is futile. Buc-ee's is planning a location in Fort Pierce, Florida, not far from where I used to live. While the project has generated a lot of excitement, it's also raised environmental issues and attracted urban sprawl around the development site.
So I recently moved three and a half hours away to a new home near Ocala, which was once expected to get the chain's largest-ever store. It apparently won't be, but the one that's planned isn't going to be a miniature version, either.
Buc-ee's is becoming inescapable.
Many of my friends and neighbors are no doubt in the sway of beaver fever. So I'm not going to try to steal anyone's joy. With gas prices being what they are, filling the tank can feel about as pleasant as a trip to the dentist.
If going to Buc-ee's somehow makes that experience less painful, pay your homage to the buck-toothed rodent.
Just know that as you travel America's highways, there are more interesting and more authentic places where you could be spending your time and money.
If gas stations have become a primary form of entertainment, I'm not sure what that says about our cultural future.
Blake Fontenay is USA TODAY's commentary editor.
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Ohio is sadly obsessed with overrated Buc-ee's. It's kind of trash | Opinion
