Ray Marcano is a Columbus Dispatch contributing columnist.
I am furious. Furious, I tell you.
I’m furious because our esteemed lawmakers in Ohio and elsewhere are not going nearly far enough in trying to ban divisive concepts.
State education czar Jerry Cirino, R-Kirtland, led the charge with Senate Bill 1 to ban the ultimate divisive concept, DEI, at state-supported college campuses. He’s back with new legislation that would expand the so-called university civic centers that make as little sense as the first bill.
If Cirino and other lawmakers want to look out for us, then start banning other divisive concepts.
- Browns and Bengals: There are Browns fans. There are Bengals fans. They each love their team. And we must stop discussing them. Recent successes aside, Cleveland fans shouldn’t feel guilty about the systematic failures that deny opportunities to win on a more consistent basis. Besides, Browns reminds too many people of immigration.
- Light switches: Ban all light-switch teachings. No one should feel bad because turning off the switch results in the room becoming black. Why should we be blamed for a simple matter of electricity? Light-switch discussions are simply another left-wing socialist plot to indoctrinate and need to be banned at universities.
- Pancakes: Please stop the horror of horrors. No one should be held responsible for whipping the contents of a box that used to feature a Black woman. Pancakes are just another attempt to place blame for past whippings.
- Black shoes: We wear them. They get scuffed. But here’s where the indoctrination continues. A friend accidentally scuffed a shoe and didn’t mean to harm it. We can’t live in a world where scuffing up black shoes leads to Marxist discussions about the sins of scuffing shoes in the past.
- NASCAR: It’s a race containing multicolored vehicles. There’s symbolism for people of color, the LGBTQ+ community and more, but where are the all-white cars? Let’s not make people feel bad about looking at a sea of colors that resemble a pride flag but not their values. So, until NASCAR comes to its senses, let’s not discuss the sport.
- Coffee beans: Let’s have consideration for people who find black coffee bitter and unappealing. Should they be blamed for how I feel? But some progressive, Mamdani-esque teachers spending lunch reading Castro’s biography could denigrate them for not liking something black. No coffee discussion. Ban it. I demand extra cream!
- Black holes. Enough said.
These are just a few of the divisive concepts our lawmakers must consider to make us a better society, promote equality and protect our children.
Our children have nothing to do with the sins perpetrated by pancakes, coffee or scuffed shoes.
Any other teaching goes against the authentic founding principles of the United States, which are life, liberty and whatever else lawmakers decide fits their agenda.
We must protect our children from the sinister liberal evils of our world and the divisive concepts that follow.
And yes, this column is satire to show how mind-numbingly idiotic the divisive concept/DEI/civic centers debate is. I find the fact that I had to write that sentence pretty funny, but it isn’t.
Wake up, people.
Ray Marcano is a Columbus Dispatch contributing columnist. The longtime journalist is the former national president of the Society of Professional Journalists, a two-time Pulitzer juror, and a Fulbright fellow.
This article originally appeared on The Columbus Dispatch: To stop sinister liberal evils, Ohio must ban the Browns, Bengals and pancakes | Opinion
