The recent White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner went forward without a comedian, unless you count the tragicomic ramblings
of Donald Trump stumbling his way through some old campaign rants. My comedian credentials are slight ‒ a couple national awards for satirical columns, and some collegiate awards for original humor speeches. Nevertheless, let me offer the speech I would have delivered.Good evening, everyone. I know it is tradition for speakers here to make fun of those here, but I’d like to speak about those who are not here. Mr. President, don’t worry. Jeffrey Epstein is not here, but he’s left a lot of notes about all the crazy fun you guys had. Ghislaine Maxwell also is not here. She’s getting a mani-pedi as a reward for not talking
about all that crazy fun you guys had.
Good news for all of you who just finished your salad. Cyclospora is not here. Secretary of Health Robert F. Kennedy Jr. personally inspected the lettuce, and Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth doused it in a delightful testosterone dressing.
No one from the Supreme Court is here, and that may be a good thing. In the interest of judicial independence, we really shouldn’t be chatting with them about their rulings that the Constitution isn’t constitutional.
Elon Musk is not here. He’s hard at work on a new version of “Sesame Street.” He’s bleaching the Muppets to make them all white. By the way, Mr. President, if you’re looking for migrants to deport, couldn’t you start with Elon?
The Washington Post table is looking a little smaller than in past years. Owner Jeff Bezos not only has been firing staff, but also he now has condensed the paper’s slogan to “Democracy Died.” The CBS tables also are looking smaller. Your news overlord Bari Weiss is here but was running late. Her car’s GPS keeps turning to the right.
Our Acting Attorney General Todd Blanche surprisingly is here for this celebration of the First Amendment, and several of you may be seeing him later. He’s personally delivering subpoenas to reporters who offended his boss. That’s not completely fair. He’s going after anyone who may have offended his boss, though he’s having trouble figuring out how to arrest algae.
I see a good turnout from the folks at Fox News. Mr. President, don’t be disappointed if they don’t relay your bogus claims of election fraud. The last time they did that it came with a very high price tag. In money, of course, not credibility. That’s one news bubble that just won’t pop.
The CNN table is looking a bit skittish. Don’t worry. We have very good security. No gunman is getting in here. Oh, you’re worried about an Ellison? That makes more sense.
Very few people from local TV news here tonight. Well, if they all are owned by the same company then that whole First Amendment thing seems a bit superfluous and silly. In truth, I know that out there are journalists who courageously challenge corporate power and stand up to Trump administration abuses. I hope both of you had a good evening.
Some may say that it’s impossible to be funny in a time of foolish wars, skyrocketing prices, the targeting of our migrant neighbors, rampant corruption in the White House, and a 34-count felon sitting on this dais. Nah. There is reason for hope. Just asked the one guy in a trenchcoat who watched the Melania movie.
The Trump teleprompter guy is smiling. He just made a bucket of cash betting that I’d mention the Melania movie. Good night and good luck.
Mark Harmon is a professor of journalism and media at the University of Tennessee.
This article originally appeared on Knoxville News Sentinel: My speech to the White House Correspondents' dinner | Opinion
