Random thoughts before applying for a second bank loan to buy next weekend’s Halloween treats.
I got the first loan in September and used it to stock up on pre-Halloween goodies. But they disappeared. I’ve turned this house upside down but can only find empty wrappers. Don’t they put preservatives in chocolate anymore?
Born Too Soon Part 1: I was irked enough when several colleges began sanctioning bass fishing as a sport and awarding scholarships.
Why didn’t universities come up with this idea 60 years ago, when I was forced to concoct woeful stories about sudden illnesses, flat tires, and dying grandmothers anytime I wanted to wet a line? I could’ve been a four-year letterman!
But you know what’s now being promoted as a sport?
Barbecuing. And I
swear on a stack of natural lump charcoal I’m not making this up.
There are competitive chapters of the National High School BBQ Association in seven states: Louisiana, Texas, Florida, Oklahoma, Kansas, Nebraska and New Mexico. Their two mottos? “Where Dreams Ignite” and “Come Eat Our Homework.”
What’s more, at least two colleges, Alabama’s Jacksonville State and Utah State, offer partial food-production scholarships.
I cudda been a contenda!
Born Too Soon Part 2: A few days ago in a Knoxville hardware store, I approached a checkout clerk with questions about a nut-and-bolt component I’d been unable to find.
“Let me get someone from that department,” she said with a smile. Whereupon she spoke sweetly into her microphone: “Would someone from Fasteners please come to the front? There’s an elderly gentleman here with a question.”
I wanted to run out the door, sprint across the parking lot and hide in my car. But with bum knees, I can only hobble so fast.
Shakedown Department: You think canceling social media or cellphone service is difficult? Try magazines.
A few months ago, I decided not to renew a periodical I’d signed up for last year at an introductory rate. It wasn’t worth the full subscription price. For ensuing weeks, I got the usual “this is your final issue” mailers. Into our paper recycle bin they went.
Not so fast there, buster! Soon, a stern letter arrived. It harrumphed, “Since we have not received any payment, you leave us with no option but to cancel your subscription!” Recycle Bin 2.0.
A couple of days ago, I got a saccharine missive from the same outfit, offering a super-duper cheap rate. Recycle Bin 3.0.
If some goon shows up at the front door, casually cracking his knuckles, I’ll beat him with my cane.
Sam Venable’s column appears every Sunday. Contact him at sam.venable@outlook.com.
This article originally appeared on Knoxville News Sentinel: Something's fishy - not just disappearing Halloween candy | Venable
