Dear President Trump:
I have an idea you might want to pursue. It should be a win-win.
First, it’ll keep you busy, so you won’t have to continually chastise those pesky TV reporters who refuse to broadcast “good” stories about you.
Second, it’ll really boost the economy here in East Tennessee.
This has to do with your skills in renaming bodies of water after America or yourself.
You know, “Gulf of America” instead of “Gulf of Mexico,” “Lake America” in place of “Lake Ontario” and “Trump Strait” rather than “Straits of Hormuz.” I just spent a few minutes poring over my trusty, published-in-the-U-S-of-A atlas. It originally had additional sections for those Godforsaken wastelands of Canada and - as you call it, “Meh-he-co” - but as soon as I discovered
these ugly intrusions, I ripped out their pages and burned ’em.
Speaking of insolent countries to the south and north with their filthy claws in the sacred soil of our homeland, did you know there are eight towns named “Mexico” in the U.S.? We’re talkin’ Missouri, New York, Maine, Indiana, Pennsylvania, Kentucky, Maryland and Texas. Kansas and Kentucky each have a town called “Canada.” And in Texas, there’s a “Canadian.”
You might want to direct Commissioner of Hair Gel Hegseth to scrape up what gunpowder remains in the national ammo depot and give these infidels a serious what-for. But back to renaming.
You’ve barely scratched the strait surface, Mr. Trump. There are numerous waterways in the U.S. that beg for the stroke of your pen. Such as Straits of Florida near Key West, Straits of Mackinac in Michigan, Chatham Strait and Clarence Strait in Alaska, and Carquinez Strait in California. To avoid confusion, just call ’em Trump Strait One, Trump Strait Two, Trump Strait Three and on down the line.
It gets even better, sir. The Strait of Juan de Fuca forms a maritime border between Washington State and Vancouver Island in British Columbia, Canada. In addition to the touch of your name, you can also build a wall to keep those lousy Canucks out!
Oh, and the Bering Strait separates Alaska from Russia. What a chance to invite your BFF Putin to join the festivities!
How’s all this activity going to help the East Tennessee economy?
Newell Brands, the company that annually cranks out hundreds of millions of Sharpie pens, your favorite instrument for signatures (especially in “certain places,” wink-wink, on birthday cards) is located in the William Blount Business Park in Maryville, Tennessee. They’ll have to run three shifts a day, 365, to keep up with the demand!
Thank you, sir, for blessing us so richly.
Sam Venable’s column appears every Sunday. Contact him at sam.venable@outlook.com.
This article originally appeared on Knoxville News Sentinel: Hizzoner can get ‘strait’ to the point with new names | Venable
