Judgmental Labels
Parents often use labels such as “lazy,” “stupid,” or “bad” to describe their children. While perhaps unintentional, these words can have a lasting detrimental
impact on their self-perception. Children internalize these labels, which can lead to a fixed mindset, hindering their willingness to try new things and develop their abilities. Instead of labeling the child, focus on specific behaviors. For instance, instead of saying, “You're so lazy,” try, “I notice you haven't finished your homework; let's work on it together.” This provides constructive feedback, helping the child understand the problem and find solutions without damaging their self-esteem. Such an approach fosters a growth mindset, encouraging children to view challenges as opportunities for growth.
Dismissing Feelings
It is not uncommon for parents to dismiss their children's feelings by using phrases like “Don't cry,” “Stop being silly,” or “It's not a big deal.” When children's emotions are dismissed, it can lead to a sense of invalidation and confusion, making them feel like their feelings are wrong or unimportant. This can impede their emotional development and make it harder for them to manage their emotions effectively in the future. Parents should instead validate their child's feelings by acknowledging them. For example, instead of saying, “Don't be scared,” try, “I understand why you feel scared; it's okay to feel that way.” This lets the child know that their feelings are heard and that it is safe to express themselves without judgment, helping them to build emotional resilience and self-awareness.
Conditional Affection
Phrases like “I’ll be proud of you when…” or “If you don’t behave, I won't love you” create a sense of conditional love. Children who constantly experience this begin to believe they must meet certain standards to earn love and acceptance. It leads to low self-esteem and anxiety about not being “good enough.” This behavior can also drive children to become people-pleasers, always trying to meet others' expectations and neglecting their own needs. It also creates a fear of failure, as the child might avoid challenges, which limits their potential. Instead of conditional affection, demonstrate unconditional love. Show your child that your love is not based on their achievements or behavior, but simply on who they are. Praise their efforts, not just the outcome. For example, say, “I am proud of you for trying so hard,” rather than, “I’m proud you got an A”.
Comparison Trap
Comparing children to their siblings or other children, such as saying, “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” or “Look how well your friend did,” can damage a child’s self-esteem and create rivalry. It encourages children to compete rather than collaborate and devalues their unique qualities and efforts. Comparison can also lead to feelings of inadequacy, as children perceive that they are not good enough. It could affect their mental health and relationships with others. Instead of comparing children, celebrate their individual strengths and achievements. Recognize what makes each child special. Frame your feedback positively, like, “You are great at drawing!” instead of comparing them to another child. This allows each child to thrive in their unique way and encourages them to celebrate their individuality.
Threats and Ultimatums
Parents sometimes resort to threats or ultimatums, such as “If you don’t stop, I’ll take away your toys,” or “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you won’t get dessert.” This approach undermines trust and teaches children that relationships are based on power rather than mutual respect. Children learn to fear their parents and may start to resent them. It also does not help children develop self-control or understand the consequences of their actions in a healthy manner. Instead of threats, focus on providing natural consequences. For example, if a child refuses to put away their toys, they won't be available to play with them later. This teaches responsibility and promotes a sense of ownership over their behavior. Discuss expectations and consequences calmly, helping children understand the impact of their choices.
Overly Harsh Criticism
Constant criticism, even if intended to help, can damage a child's self-esteem and make them afraid of making mistakes. It also creates a sense of inadequacy and perfectionism. Children might feel like they are never good enough and might start avoiding challenges to prevent criticism. Harsh criticism can also damage the parent-child relationship. Children may become distant and unwilling to share their feelings. Instead of harsh criticism, provide constructive feedback and focus on the behavior, not the child. Instead of saying, “That was a terrible drawing,” try, “I see you're still practicing your drawing; let’s try it this way.” Encourage effort and progress. This allows the child to build resilience and develop a growth mindset, viewing mistakes as opportunities for learning.
Ignoring or Dismissing
Ignoring children or dismissing their requests and concerns, such as, “I’m busy, go away,” or “You’re being annoying,” can make them feel invisible and unimportant. This can lead to feelings of rejection and isolation. When children feel ignored, they might act out to get attention, even if it is negative. They may also withdraw and become less likely to communicate their needs and concerns. Instead of ignoring or dismissing, actively listen to your child. Make time for them, even if it is just for a few minutes. Try saying, “I understand you want my attention; I will be with you in a moment.” This shows your child that you value them and their needs. Validate their feelings and respond to their requests appropriately, which will build a strong parent-child relationship and foster a sense of belonging.
Unrealistic Expectations
Setting unrealistic expectations, such as expecting a child to be perfect or achieve beyond their developmental stage, creates stress and anxiety. It can lead to feelings of failure and inadequacy. Children who are constantly pressured to meet unrealistic goals might lose interest in activities and struggle with their mental well-being. They may develop a fear of failure and avoid challenging situations. Instead of unrealistic expectations, understand your child's developmental stage and individual abilities. Set reasonable goals that are achievable and provide support. For example, if a child struggles with a math problem, offer help or consider breaking the problem down. This encourages effort and celebrates progress, allowing your child to develop confidence and resilience.
Lying or Breaking Promises
Lying to children or breaking promises, even in small ways, can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship. When children realize that their parents are not truthful or reliable, it can lead to feelings of betrayal, affecting their ability to trust others. It can also encourage children to lie themselves. Instead of lying or breaking promises, be honest and reliable. If you can’t fulfill a promise, explain why and offer an alternative. For example, if you promise to take your child to the park but can’t, explain, “I’m sorry, but I can’t go to the park today. However, we can read a book together.” This teaches children the importance of honesty and accountability, making it easier for them to build strong and trusting relationships.
Over-Scheduling or Pressure
Over-scheduling children or pressuring them to participate in too many activities can lead to stress, fatigue, and burnout. It leaves children with little time to relax, play freely, or pursue their own interests. Children might feel overwhelmed and resentful, which can negatively impact their mental and physical health. It can also decrease their creativity and enjoyment of activities. Instead of over-scheduling, prioritize quality time and allow for unstructured play. Give your child time to rest and pursue interests that they enjoy. Encourage balance between structured activities and free time. Allow them to manage their schedules and choices. This allows your child to develop a sense of balance, build resilience, and discover their passions without the pressure of a hectic schedule.
