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Colin Jost returned as an especially rowdy Pete Hegseth in this week’s “Saturday Night Live” cold open, welcoming home sailors aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln after nearly a year at sea.
The Oct. 10 sketch opened with
an introduction to the ship’s returning crew, who were told that before reuniting with their families, they would first have to hear from “the guy who put you on the boat in the first place.”
Enter Jost’s Hegseth, sporting an ammunition belt stocked with miniature bottles of Fireball Cinnamon Whisky, “the only alcohol designed to taste better on the way back up.”
“How are you sailors doing tonight?” Hegseth asked the crew.
“We’re bad,” they responded.
“I heard awesome,” he shot back.
The sketch took aim at reports of deteriorating conditions aboard the aircraft carrier, including plumbing issues and mental-health struggles among the crew during their extended deployment.
“I couldn’t be more proud of you. Only eight of you attempted suicide. Two of you since I started talking,” Jost’s Hegseth remarked. “You executed over 3,000 combat missions and you did it with zero casualties, zero flight mishaps and zero working toilets.”
He then honored one particularly brave sailor who managed to hold his bladder for 300 days rather than complain about the broken bathrooms. When the sailor asked if he could finally relieve himself, Hegseth directed him to a Starbucks three blocks away.
Jost’s Hegseth also caught the sailors up on some of the Trump administration’s latest activities on land, including plans for a televised execution in December. “Public executions are back, kind of like ‘Scrubs,’” he announced, adding that if the prisoner survives the firing squad, he’ll have to fight Jake Paul.
He then proudly unveiled the Department of War’s new eagle logo, which has drawn comparisons to Nazi imagery.
“Sorry, is that a Nazi eagle?” one sailor asked.
“It’s an American eagle with a Nazi vibe, okay?” Hegseth replied.
The sketch then brought out James Austin Johnson as RFK Jr. to deliver an equally questionable update on the country’s health.
“I’m happy to report that America is healthier than ever,” Johnson’s Kennedy began, in the Secretary of Health’s signature croaked voice. “That’s why I would officially like to rename cold and flu season to cold and flu and listeria and measles and trench brain season.”
He also addressed recent meat recalls, assuring Americans that catfish, pony and cricket remain “valuable proteins” before revealing that the recalled products had been tested on the sailors themselves.
“The research you provided on Operation Hell Cruise will be vital for years to come,” he declared.
Hegseth wrapped up his welcome-home speech with a musical tribute to the sailors, quoting Linkin Park’s “In the End.”
“You tried so hard and got so far, but in the end it doesn’t even matter,” he sang, before thanking the crew for being willing to go down with the ship — even if it breaks his “personal rule of never going down on anyone.”
The cold open comes just two days after the real USS Abraham Lincoln returned to San Diego following a 322-day deployment supporting the U.S. war with Iran. The aircraft carrier spent more than 260 consecutive days at sea without a port call, with reports of supply shortages, broken plumbing and eight suicide attempts among its crew.
Jost also appeared as Hegseth in last week’s cold open, which saw the defense secretary chugging Tom Holland’s non-alcoholic Bero beerwhile joining a cast of Republican officials attempting to drum up excitement ahead of the November midterm elections.
This week’s episode is hosted by Shane Gillis, marking his third time hosting the NBC sketch comedy series since being fired as a cast member in 2019 over resurfaced racist and homophobic remarks. Rosalía will serve as musical guest.
