John Hammond had a dream (and a potential viable business with Jurassic Park), but "Jurassic World Rebirth" proves it'll always turn into a nightmare. Sorry, but humans and dinosaurs aren't meant to coexist -- and don't go blaming the dino-buddies for this fact, because people don't know how to leave well enough alone. It's like an addiction for these folks to be locked up with man-eating creatures in an attempt to see if they can survive with all their limbs intact. At this point, why don't they just
rub BBQ basting all over themselves and parade in front of the dinosaurs?
While this franchise asks the audience to suspend a lot of disbelief, especially when it comes to the science and what dinosaurs really looked like, "Jurassic World Rebirth" possesses logic loopholes that can't be ignored. Some of them teeter between "this could have been fixed in another draft" to "OMG! This is the dumbest thing I have ever heard."
Look, it's necessary to applaud the creative team for pushing the film in a different direction and trying something new, but there are threads here that if pulled, threaten to bring down the entire storyline with it. If you're cool with just going with the flow, that's fine too -- no shade here. However, if you feel like laughing at how silly this film is when you interrogate it even a little bit, join us to discover the 10 things that don't make sense in "Jurassic World Rebirth."
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The Scientists Try To Extract DNA From Mutated Dinosaurs
The entire premise of "Jurassic World Rebirth" revolves around the pharmaceutical company Parker-Genix wanting to get DNA from three of the largest dinosaurs alive, because this will help them to create a miracle drug for heart disease treatments, so they send a team to gather the samples. Now, once you stop laughing at the absurdity of a pharmaceutical company wanting to do something good in this world, consider this for a second: where are these dinosaurs located? Oh, that's right, on Ile Saint-Hubert. You know, the place where InGen employees turned into the classic "X-Men" villain Mister Sinister and tampered with mutations.
So, here's a legitimate question: why are scientists wanting to extract DNA from what's most likely mutated dinosaurs? On this island, InGen played god, and it's unlikely that it kept up-to-date records where it stated, "Yeah, we gave a warthog's nose and raptor feet to a Tyrannosaurus rex." Resultantly, all the data acquired won't be conclusive -- plus, it'll be riddled with all kinds of permutations and risks.
It isn't implausible to think that learnings could be taken from dinosaur DNA in general, but any application might be futile in this circumstance. One, because the dinosaur is a mutation of god knows what, and two, the genomes between dinosaurs and humans differ drastically (never mind what happens when you throw mutations into the mix). Unless a real-life scientist can come forward and say, "Well, actually," we're chalking this down to too unbelievable.
Dolores Might Not Survive With Isabella
One of the dinosaurs that isn't scary nor dangerous in "Jurassic World Rebirth" is Dolores, the Aquilops. Dolores makes friends with the young Isabella Delgado (Audrina Miranda) and follows her around before eventually leaving the island with Isabella and the surviving humans. It's a cute moment, and a reminder that friendship, uh, finds a way.
Here's the sad part, though: Isabella may have doomed Dolores by taking her off the island. The beginning of "Jurassic World Rebirth" confirms that the Earth's climate has changed drastically since "Jurassic World Dominion," and the dinosaurs aren't doing well in it. The only place they can survive is around the equator. Ile Saint-Hubert is a few hundred miles east of French Guiana, which makes it incredibly close to the equator, so that's ideal for dinosaurs like Dolores.
There is an American flag on the Delgados' boat, which leads one to believe that's where the family is from. Naturally, the United States is further away from the equator than Ile Saint-Hubert. What's more surprising about this whole ordeal is how a paleontologist like Dr. Henry Loomis (Jonathan Bailey) doesn't tell Isabella that it's a bad idea to remove Dolores from her natural habitat and take her to a place where she may not survive. Considering how the film made such a big point about the world and climate change after the events of "Jurassic World Dominion," it appears like someone forgot the rules when a cute dinosaur was introduced into the picture.
Reuben Delgado Decides To Sail With His Family Around The Equator
Spare a thought for Reuben Delgado (Manuel Garcia-Rulfo). He wants to reconnect with his daughters, Teresa (Luna Blaise) and Isabella. Heck, he's even willing to tolerate Teresa's boyfriend, Xavier Dobbs (David Iacono), who's an acquired taste. Reuben has a grand plan: he'll take them sailing across the Atlantic Ocean on his boat, La Mariposa. They'll be able to bond away from civilization, modern distractions, and dry land.
What a swell idea, right? Wrong. What the hell is wrong with this man?! Has he not been following the news for the past 10 years? The events of the previous "Jurassic World" should be fresh in his mind. You know, how the Mosasaurus exists in water and if it attacks, it's game over for anyone. Instead, this father decides to take his kids on a trip across the ocean, near the equator where the dinosaurs now gravitate toward, so they can spend quality time together. Look, if this was all part of a plan to leave Xavier there, you could understand it, but it's madness otherwise.
Even though it's revealed that people are tired of dinosaurs (a line from "Jurassic World Rebirth" that's harder to believe than dinosaurs living today), there's a difference between not being wowed by the creatures and blissful ignorance. Sure, these prehistoric beasts might be part and parcel of the film's universe now, but they're still dangerous. Reuben taking his family near the equator is like someone actively setting up camp in a lion's den then being surprised by an attack.
The Helicopter Circles For Only Two Minutes And At Night
Inevitably, disaster strikes when Duncan Kincaid's (Mahershala Ali) ship, the Essex, gets attacked by the dinosaurs in the water. This leaves Zora Bennett (Scarlett Johansson) and others shipwrecked on Ile Saint-Hubert. Zora, though, isn't a newbie to expedition missions, so she reveals a contingency plan that she put in place. In 24 hours, a rescue helicopter is meant to circle the island for two minutes and get them out. Why only two minutes? Well, because that adds dramatic effect and tension to David Koepp's screenplay, but for storyline purposes, it's because the pilots are wary of dinosaur attacks and don't want to be left exposed for too long.
So, why is the rescue helicopter only circling the island at night? Surely, this makes it tougher to see what's going on below. If these pilots are so terrified of dinosaurs, wouldn't it make more sense to conduct the search-and-rescue mission during daylight where their line of sight will be clearer? This isn't a military operation where enemy forces are prepared for your arrival, and you need to get in and out before they notice you, so it feels -- I don't know -- counterintuitive.
Some might argue that the cloak of darkness makes it less likely for the dinosaurs to spot the helicopter buzzing about. Well, that did absolutely no good here. In the end, the helicopter gets destroyed by the Distortus rex anyway. So, this rescue mission was for nothing.
Ile Saint-Hubert Existed And No One Ever Mentioned It Before
Let's take a look at the facts for a minute: a lot of people died on Isla Nublar and Isla Sorna. Who's to blame for it? InGen. The company wanted to recreate dinosaurs and turn them into theme park attractions. Afterward, Masrani Global Corporation acquired all of InGen's assets and tried to do something similar -- much to the same effect where people die and dinosaurs take over.
After all those deaths and catastrophes at Isla Nublar and Isla Sorna, the question needs to be asked: why did no one ever know about Ile Saint-Hubert until "Jurassic World Rebirth"? One could argue that InGen kept its presence hush-hush, but the incident with the Distortus rex happened a few years before the launch of Jurassic World. In other words, InGen was still continuing its shenanigans on the downlow after the events of Isla Nublar and Isla Sorna. How did InGen not go in front of congress for the numerous deaths and international incidents it caused? Are we really to believe that not one single ex-InGen employee squealed about the existence of Ile Saint-Hubert?
If Parker-Genix knew about it, surely there must have been others who were aware too. Of course, the easy answer here is that it's a plot device that allows for the discovery of a new island in the franchise, but it still doesn't make sense how it remained a secret until the events of "Jurassic World Rebirth."
The Plan To Extract The DNA Of The Quetzalcoatlus Is Just Dumb
The team needs to gather the DNA of the three largest dinosaurs. Out of all three, the Titanosaurus -- one of the new dinosaurs in "Jurassic World Rebirth" -- is the easiest mission. The Mosasaurus provides a few challenges, but it gets done regardless. The most dangerous extraction involves the Quetzalcoatlus, since it's an avian creature, and the team points out the obvious in "Jurassic World Rebirth": it'll be tough to hit a flying carnivore who is the size of an F-16 and might attack if threatened.
Resultantly, they come up with a plan to rappel down the rocks to the Quetzalcoatlus nest and extract the DNA from an egg. Anyone with a set of eyes can see how this is going to transpire, and it does as expected. The adult Quetzalcoatlus returns, angry that someone is messing with the egg, and ends up killing LeClerc (Bechir Sylvain).
Let's not discount the fact that trying to extract DNA from a flying dinosaur is tricky business. However, this is easily one of the dumbest plans in the franchise's history. They literally rappel into an isolated area and hope the adult doesn't come back. What about luring the creature into an enclosed structure or pondering a much safer plan before heading out to the island? Judging by how these folks behave, you have to question if they are even professionals to begin with.
There Aren't Many Raptors On The Island
Look, whether it's "Jurassic Park" or "Jurassic World," the franchise is velociraptor-heavy. These deadly creatures feature predominantly, often presented as the MVPs of the films. In "Jurassic World Rebirth," though, they're largely absent. Sure, we spot two sneaky Steves lurking behind Xavier, who is answering the call of nature, but one of them gets pounced on by Mutadon, while the other runs for the hills. After that, there are no more raptors, which is odd, since they're portrayed as pack creatures in the movies, so there should be more of them bopping around.
There's a simple answer to this: director Gareth Evans likely wanted to shine the light on the Mutadon, which is a hybrid of a raptor and pterosaur, rather than rehash more raptor rampage. Unfortunately, this comes at the expense of the regular stars of the franchise, who take a backseat to these new mutants.
Simply put, it doesn't feel like "Jurassic World" without the presence of raptors. They feature in the franchise's biggest moments. Yes, even the talking raptor scene from "Jurassic Park 3." Much like everyone expects to see a Batmobile in a Batman movie, the same can be said about raptors and "Jurassic World." Without them, we are nothing.
The T-Rex Can't Bite Through A Raft
A bastion of the "Jurassic" franchise has been the Tyrannosaurus rex. While the little arms may struggle to clap along to songs, those powerful jaws are more than capable of immense destruction. The T-rex very possibly possessed the highest bite force of any animal who has roamed the Earth. That's why Rexy in 1993's "Jurassic Park" was able to bite through the thick and serpent-like skin of lawyer Donald Gennaro (Martin Ferrero) so easily.
In "Jurassic World Rebirth," something doesn't make sense in the T-rex's solitary scene. It's the part of the film when Teresa sneaks past a snoozing Tyrannosaurus to grab a raft so that she, her sister, father, and boyfriend are able to go down the river. Now, this is a proper raft, not a plastic flamingo that you blow up to chuck in a pool. While Teresa and Co. successfully get the raft onto the water and paddle away, the dangerous dinosaur goes after them. Teresa, Reuben, and Xavier get thrown off the raft by the T-rex, while Isabella hangs on under the structure. Rexy gnaws at the raft, but he fails to penetrate it, as Isabella lives to see another day.
It makes sense that this raft would be made of sturdy material to withstand rocks and other sharp objects, but how in the world does this T-rex, with jaws of steel, not manage to penetrate it? Did you see the size of this dinosaur's teeth?
The Distortus Rex Was Contained By A Single Door
The flagship mutant dinosaur of "Jurassic World Rebirth" is the Distortus rex, or D-rex for short. This mutated version of a Tyrannosaurus rex boasts six limbs and a big head that makes it a dead ringer for a Xenomorph. The dinosaur also has an insatiable appetite, always finding space in its stomach for another pound of human flesh.
Viewers meet the D-rex early on, as a Snickers wrapper causes havoc in an airlock and results in the security system being rebooted -- somebody must have been watching "Final Destination" when this Rube Goldberg machine-inspired scene was written. Amazingly, this is all it takes to release the D-rex after he snacks on an InGen employee, then breaks through the door and roams Ile Saint-Hubert like a Chihuahua that saw the gate being left open.
Now, everyone knows that InGen wasn't too hot on safety protocols and relied on a disgruntled IT technician to manage Jurassic Park, but was all that was holding back a D-rex from totally annihilating InGen employees a single door? This is ridiculous. InGen probably downloaded its safety program for free from Limewire too.
People Still Willingly Go To A Dinosaur Island
How many times have humans gone to a dinosaur island? The answer is too many. "Jurassic Park" taught everyone a valuable lesson: when things go wrong in a place like this, they go terribly bad. Still, no one listened, and the same happened in "The Lost World: Jurassic Park," "Jurassic Park 3," "Jurassic World," and now "Jurassic World Rebirth."
Yet, somehow, someway, someone manages to convince a group of cursed fools to venture onto a dinosaur island again and again. The hook in "Jurassic World Rebirth" is a lot of money for Zora and her pals, while Dr. Loomis and Martin Krebs (Rupert Friend) want to find a cure for heart disease, but these people are either gullible or possess more guts than brains. In Zora and her team's case, what's the use of all that money if they never make out alive? Same for Dr. Loomis and Krebs. History has proven that not everyone survives on a dinosaur island, and many people perish before the credits roll in this movie.
Of course, you're probably screaming at your screen and saying, "How else will they make more of these films then, you idiot?" That's my point. It's beyond being believable now. There's no good reason to go to a dinosaur island anymore. Someone can tell me there's a first edition of "Detective Comics" #27 and unlimited pairs of Jordans on Ile Saint-Hubert. I don't care. I'm not going.
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Read the original article on SlashFilm.
