"I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it," Roger Ebert famously wrote in his scathing review of Rob Reiner's eccentric children's movie "North." /Film writer Jeff Ames considers it one of the worst movies ever made by a great director. He declares "North"
an abomination: "Everything here feels contrived, manipulated, and cloying, a massive contrast from Reiner's best works, which got by on easy charm and clever humor." Not only was it a critical dumpster fire, but also a box office bomb earning just over $7 million in the United States despite its hefty $40 million budget. If you dare to watch "North," it's easy to see why it flopped and why critics regard it with such contempt.
"North" was released in 1994, a few years after director Rob Reiner experienced a deluge of success with "The Princess Bride," "When Harry Met Sally...," "Misery," and "A Few Good Men." Who wouldn't want to work with him? That's why "North" has a laundry list of stars, including Bruce Willis, Alan Arkin, Dan Aykroyd, Reba McEntire, Kathy Bates, John Ritter, and Jon Lovitz. The movie also features some of the biggest television stars at the time, Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Jason Alexander, who were playing the neurotic, fast-talking friends George and Elaine on "Seinfeld." Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Jason Alexander bring the same chaotic energy and snappy chemistry they had on "Seinfeld" to the roles of North's Dad and Mom — even though they only appear briefly.
Read more: 5 Reasons Why Megalopolis Flopped At The Box Office
The Seinfeld Stars Spend Most Of The Film Frozen
On paper, the plot of "North" sounds as if it could be a cutesy, if not overly quirky, family comedy: A young boy travels the world in search of new parents after being neglected by his real ones. North's emancipation becomes national news and inspires other children to leave their parents, too.
North is an all-star kid who gets good grades, plays baseball, and stars as Hamlet in what is probably the world's first elementary school production. But his parents are working all the time and are too wrapped up in their own myopia to notice (a selfishness that feels all too familiar from Jason Alexander and Julia Louis-Dreyfus' "Seinfeld" roles). We only get a sense of North's tense relationship with his parents in one rushed scene, where they angrily rant about their jobs at the same time. North's mom and dad are so loud and self-involved they aren't even listening to each other and don't notice North having a panic attack and falling out of his chair.
When one of the other parents hears about North's plans to find a new mom and dad, they say that North's parents are "not gonna take this lying down." Cut to them fainting. Get it? It's just one of many painfully embarrassing attempts at humor that this film has. Two of the greatest comedy talents of the late 20th century spend most of the film frozen in shock and strapped to a dolly. They only appear again at the end to hug North. This "joke," and the blatant waste of their comic chops, isn't even the most asinine thing about "North."
North Is Also Deeply Offensive
The biggest problem with "North" is that it doesn't quite know what tone to strike. It's meant to be a goofy fantasy, but its filled with cynical and downright strange beats from screenwriters Alan Zweibel and Andrew Scheinman, who come off like obnoxious edgelords. This is evident in the auditions North holds for new parents, which also rely on deeply offensive racial stereotypes.
The Texans make light about their dead son being (via IMDb) "the biggest boy this big state's ever seen. Why, he could eat more in one day than anyone else could eat in a whole month," Pa Tex says. Then Ma Tex retorts, "That's why Buck hated February," before they break into an insufferable song-and-dance number. An Indigenous Hawaiian family wants to adopt North so he can promote tourism. His potential dad, Governor Ho, tells him more people would settle there if he lived there, too. Huh? Native Hawaiians have been pushed and priced out because of settlers from the mainland, they're not looking for more. Kathy Bates wears face paint to play an Inuit character whose community is currently sending one of their elders out on an ice floe to die. Yes, it was a historical practice, but it occurred only during times of famine. When North travels to China, the people bow to him as if he is some sort of deity. The entire concept of people of color worshipping a little white boy is beyond uncomfortable.
Watching "North" truly feels like you've been slipped some sort of hallucinogenic; nothing makes any sense, it's racist, and it's cruel. Two years later, Danny DeVito's "Matilda" would nail the balance between a macabre sensibility and fairy tale whimsy that Reiner failed to capture. "North" is best left forgotten.
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