Time to stop holding your keys in your mouth. What do you mean, you don't do that? It's the most convenient way to hold them when you're grasping a bag of groceries while trying to get out your cellphone or wallet! Okay, so just keep them in your pocket. Except, no, your pocket is pretty gross, too. Don't leave your keys in your car, either, or else the person who steals it may get grossed out by how dirty they are, and we wouldn't want that, would we?
So just how gross are they? MoneySuperMarket,
a U.K.-based insurance broker and price comparison website with some sort of stake in car key cleanliness, enlisted the help of Joe Latimer -- director of Microbe Consulting Ltd. and a biofilm physiology Ph.D -- by having him swab a bunch of items to determine just how yucky keys really are.
Now, I'm not a microbiologist, so I messaged Latimer about the study's bacteria numbers. He told me, "The number quoted was the total number of bacteria that we found on the equivalent area to a car key. So, for example, on average, we found 241 bacteria growing on the keys, whereas there were 68 bacteria found on the same area of a keyboard. The way that we measure bacterial numbers is by swabbing the area and then depositing any bacteria onto agar plates. Because individual bacteria are far too small to see with the naked eye, we incubate these plates, and each individual bacterium will grow, divide, and form a colony. We can then count the colonies and use this as a measure of the bacteria from the swab."
Hey, at least the toilet seat was the clear winner with 1,110 colonies, so your keys aren't the grossest thing you'll touch today.
Read more: These Are The Cars You'd Buy If They Were $20,000 Cheaper
How To Un-Filth Your Keys
Whether you still drive a car that uses a physical flat key or you have a fancy car with an electronic fob, cleaning them regularly is a great idea. Should you have, like, the weirdest car keys ever produced, clean them in a weird way if it floats your boat. If you drive the Munster Koach or a Drag-U-La replica with a skeleton key, clean it with a bubbling liquid from a bottle with a skull on it or something.
Let's start with electronic fobs. First, and crucially, remove the battery. Then apply rubbing alcohol to a cotton swab or microfiber cloth and wipe down every inch of the outside of that fob. A dab should do, as you don't want the fob swimming in alcohol or it could short the electronics and make it smell like Bourbon Street during Mardi Gras. Now, dry the key with a fresh microfiber cloth, including the battery compartment. Put the battery back in and make sure everything works.
On to physical keys. You can be more aggressive with them since they're flat hunks of metal. Mix up a bowl of water with a couple of drops of dishwashing liquid and let the keys soak for a few minutes. Swirl them around a bit, too, to get your soap solution into every nook and cranny. Then, take an old toothbrush and scrub every last crevice of those keys. Rinse them off, dry them, and put them back in your pocket. You can also use a disinfecting wipe or spray.
Here's How Many Of You Clean Your Keys
MoneySuperMarket surveyed 2,000 drivers for this study. A third of those surveyed admitted to never cleaning their keys, while 49% say they clean their keys monthly. BMW, despite being the car brand with the second-most DUI arrests per 1,000 drivers last year, has the cleanest keys. Say what you want about BMW drivers forgetting to use turn signals, 57% of them make sure to keep their keys clean, which beats every other automaker.
As for who cleans their keys least, draw your own conclusions from the fact that Nissan owners, at 51%, are the top result. It would have been nice to know the key cleaning habits of Pagani Huayra Roadster owners, given that their keys cost almost $5,000. Sadly, no Huayra owners were surveyed among the 2,000 respondents.
Maybe this study has convinced you that those Tesla key cards are a good idea. You can just keep one in your wallet next to your dollar bills! Wait, no, money is also filthy. Whatever Canadians are up to must be particularly gross because they have the dirtiest money according to another study shared by SaskToday that found 209 microbe colonies on a technicolor Canadian dollar used in a casino.
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